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Topics - ravi_sandhu
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101
« on: November 04, 2007, 08:20:08 AM »
Three guys are golfing with the club pro. The first guy tees off and hits a dribbler about 60 yards. He turns to the pro and asks, "What did I do wrong?"
The pro says, "Loft."
The next guy tees off and hits a duck hook into the woods.
He asks the pro, "What did I do wrong?"
The pro says, "Loft."
The third guy tees off and hits a slice into the pond.
He asks the pro, "What did I do wrong?"
The pro again said, "Loft."
As they are walking to their balls, the first guy finally speaks up and asks the pro, "The three of us hit completely different tee shots and when we asked you what we did wrong you gave the same answer each time.
"What is loft?"
The pro said, "Lack of fu**ing talent."
102
« on: November 04, 2007, 08:14:19 AM »
Senile Golfer
Phil loved golf, but his eye sight had gotten so bad, that he couldn't find his ball once he'd hit it.
He consulted with his wife, and she recommended that Phil bring along her uncle John.
Phil said, "But John is 80 years old and half senile!"
His wife replied, "Yes, but his eyesight is incredible."
Phil finally agreed and took John along. He teed off and could feel that he had hit it solidly.
He asked Ted, "Do you see it?"
John nodded his head and said, "Boy, that was a beautiful shot!"
Phil excitedly asked, "Well, where did it land?!"
John said, "Hmmm. I forgot."
103
« on: November 04, 2007, 08:11:54 AM »
Joey decided to take a week off from the pressures of the office and went skiing. Alas, no sooner did he reach the slopes than he heard an ominous rumbling: moments later a sheet of snow came crashing toward him.
Fortunately, Joey was able to jump into a cave just before the avalanche hit. Just as fortunately, he had matches with him and was able to light a fire.
Hours later, when everyone but Joey had returned, a rescue team was sent to search for him. After several hours they saw smoke curling from the cave and went to investigate.
Poking his head into the entrance, one of the rescuers yelled, "Mr. Joey, are you there? It's the Red Cross."
Bristling, the harried Joey called back, "Get lost. I gave at the office!"
104
« on: November 04, 2007, 08:08:48 AM »
How was your golf game, dear?" asked Jack`s wife Tracy.
"Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight`s gotten so bad I couldn`t see where the ball went."
"But you`re seventy-five years old, Jack!" admonished his wife, "Why don`t you take my brother Scott along?"
"But he`s eighty-five and doesn`t even play golf anymore," protested Jack.
"But he`s got perfect eyesight. He could watch your ball," Tracy pointed out.
The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on.
Jack swung, and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway. "Do you see it?" asked Jack.
"Yup," Scott answered.
"Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the distance.
"I forgot."
105
« on: November 04, 2007, 08:05:57 AM »
A man staggers into casualty with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped around his throat.
Naturally the doctor asks him what happened. "Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows.
"We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.
"I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball -- stuck right in the middle of the ... well that's when I made my mistake."
"What did you do?" asks the doctor.
"Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!'"
106
« on: November 04, 2007, 08:03:36 AM »
A Kindergarten teacher tells her class she's a BIG Lakers fan.
She's really excited about it and asks the kids if they're Lakers fans too.
Everyone wants to impress the teacher and says they're Lakers fans too, except ONE kid, ...named Josh.
The teacher looks at Josh and says, "Josh, you're not a Lakers fan?"
He says, "Nope, Im a Sacrmento Kings fan!" She says, "Well why are you a Sacrmento Kings fan and not a Lakers fan?"
Josh says, "Well, my mom is a Sacrmento Kings fan, and my dad is a Sacrmento Kings fan, so I'm a Sacrmento Kings fan."
The teacher's not real happy. She's a little hot under the collar. She says, "Well, if your moms an idiot, and your dads a moron, then what would you be?!"
Josh says, "Then I'd be a Laker fan!"
107
« on: November 04, 2007, 08:00:53 AM »
Three women were sitting around and bragging about their children.
The first one says, "You know, my son, he graduated first in his class from Stanford. He's now a doctor, making $250,000 a year in Chicago."
The second woman says, "You know my son, he graduated first in his class from Harvard. he's now a lawyer, making half a million dollars a year and he lives in Los Angeles."
The last woman says, "You know my son, he never did too well in school. He never went to any university but he now makes one million dollars a year in New York working as a sports repairman."
The other two women ask, "What is a sports repairman?"
The woman then replies, "He fixes games... you know, hockey games, football games, baseball games, cricket games...."
108
« on: November 04, 2007, 01:49:00 AM »
Apna pyar ko chupa na sake
Deewana dil pe kaboo pa na sake
Aaj itne karib sa guzar gaye wo
Phir b unke hath hum tham na sake!
109
« on: November 03, 2007, 05:02:03 PM »
Morris the loudmouth mechanic was removing the cylinder heads from the motor of a car when he spotted the famous heart surgeon, Dr. Michael DeBakey, who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his Mercedes.
Morris shouted across the garage, "Hey DeBakey! Is that you? Come on over here a minute."
The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where Morris the mechanic was working on the car.
Morris straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked argumentatively, "So Mr. Fancy Doctor, look at this here work. I also open hearts, take valves out, grind em, put in new parts, and when I finish this baby will purr like a kitten. So how come you get the big bucks, when you and me is doing basically the same work?"
Dr. DeBakey leaned over and whispered to Morris the loudmouth mechanic, "Try doing it with the engine running."
110
« on: November 03, 2007, 04:59:48 PM »
Hard of hearing...
A man goes to the doctor and complains that his wife can`t hear him.
"How bad is it?" the doctor asks.
"I have no idea", says the husband.
"Well, please test her. Stand 20 feet away from her and say something. If she doesn`t hear you, get closer and say the same thing. Keep moving closer repeating the comment until she does hear you. That way we`ll have an idea of her range of hearing loss."
So the man goes home and sees his wife in the kitchen chopping up vegetables for dinner.
From 20 feet: "What are we having for dinner?"
No answer. From 10 feet, same thing. From 5 feet, same thing. Finally he`s standing right behind her ...
"What`s for dinner?"
She turns around, looks at him and says "For the FOURTH time ... BEEF STEW!"
111
« on: November 03, 2007, 04:57:21 PM »
At the hospital, there was a man laying in the emergency room, the doctor opened the door and walked toward the man.
Man said, `Will I be ok, Doctor?"
The doctor turned to him and said, "Well there is good and bad news."
"Tell me the bad news", said the man.
"Well," said the doctor, "the bad news is that we are going to cut both your legs off."
"Oh my god," said the man, "What the hell is the good news?"
"The good news is," said the doctor, "see that man over there, he wants to buy your shoes."
112
« on: November 03, 2007, 04:55:36 PM »
A girl was too vain to wear glasses, but she always managed to conceal completely the fact that she was very, very shortsighted. In due course she got married and went off with her husband on their honeymoon. When she got back her mother shrieked and ran to the telephone. She called on oculist.
"Doctor, come over here right away! It`s an emergency. My daughter has always refused to wear glasses and now she`s back from her honeymoon and -"
The doctor interrupted her, "Madam, please calm yourself! Ask your daughter to come to see me. No matter how bad her eyes are, it can`t be that much of an emergency."
"Oh no?" screamed the mother. "Well this fellow she`s got with her isn`t the one she went on honeymoon with."
113
« on: November 03, 2007, 04:53:02 PM »
A patient suffering from a nasty cold visited Dr. D Costa and said groaning, "Doctor, can you cure my terrible cold? It has made things hell for me for the last four or five days."
Having never read about any confirmed cure for common cold, the young, over-zealous doctor advised after much initial hesitation, "You may do one thing. Take a hot bath and stand beneath a fan."
"Stand beneath a fan!" perplexed by the strange instruction, the patient asked, "Will your method cure me, doctor?"
"I can?t say so for sure," replied Dr. D Costa, with his spectacles resting on his nose, "but if you do as directed, you are certain to get pneumonia which I can cure for sure!"
114
« on: November 03, 2007, 04:50:14 PM »
Once a doctor got a telephone call in the middle of night. The caller sounded very excited.
"Doctor, please come at once. My wife is in great pain and I am sure it is appendicitis?, he said.
The doctor assured him that there was no need to panic. "I will come in the morning."
The man protested, "But doctor, my wife is really serious."
The doctor replied, "I took out your wife s appendix two years ago. She can not have another."
The caller protested, "That is alright doctor, but now I have got another wife!"
115
« on: November 03, 2007, 04:47:57 PM »
Big Bob, a strapping lad standing 6ft 5 went to his local Doctor and said, "Doctor, I've got a problem, but if you're going to treat it, first you've got to promise me, and I mean it - not to laugh."
"Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient. And you're a mighty big fella for anyone to be laughing at!"
"Okay then," Bob said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest peni$ the doctor had seen in all his years. Unable to control himself, the doctor fell laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure.
"I'm so sorry," he said. "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a doctor and a
gentleman, I promise it absolutely will not happen again. Ever. Now what seems to be the problem?"
"It's swollen!"
116
« on: November 03, 2007, 04:45:26 PM »
In a retirement home, an old man of 90 and a lady of 80 where both wheelchair-bound. They'd always meet up at 9pm in the TV room, where the woman would place her hand on the man's crotch. It wasn't much, but it was all they had and both enjoyed it very much.
One evening though, the man never turned up and the woman was very disappointed. Three nights went by and the man still didn't turn up. Naturally, the woman assumed that he'd passed away. But, as she wheeled herself back to her room, she spotted the man wheeling happily around the back garden of the home.
She wheeled up to him and said 'Hey, where the hell have you been these last few days? I've been waiting in the TV room, I've missed you and I've missed touching you!'
The man said he was sorry but he'd met another lady. The woman, tearfully said 'Well what's she got that I haven't?'.
The man sighed contentedly and replied: 'She's got Parkinson's Disease!'
117
« on: November 03, 2007, 04:42:48 PM »
I've got a friend who works as a Doctor. One day, he tells me, he was driving his 3 year old daughter to nursery school.
He had left his stethoscope in the back seat of his car and on the way there his little girl picked it up and began playing with it.
"Be still my heart," thought my friend, "my daughter wants to follow in my footsteps..."
Then the kid spoke into the stethoscope...
"Welcome to McDonalds, may I take your order?"
118
« on: November 03, 2007, 04:39:56 PM »
Doctor: "I see you're over a month late for your appointment. Don't you know that nervous disorders require prompt and regular attention? What's your excuse?"
Patient: "I was just following your orders, Doc."
Doctor: "Following my orders? What are you talking about? I gave you no such order."
Patient: "You told me to avoid people who irritate me."
119
« on: November 03, 2007, 04:35:44 PM »
A nurse was on duty in the ER, when a young lady sporting a crazy Purple Mohawk and various tattoos entered.
It was determined quickly, that the patient was suffering from appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery.
On disrobing the patient on the operating table the staff noticed that she also had her pubic hair dyed green with a tattoo just above it which said 'Keep off the grass'.
Once the surgery was completed, the Surgeon wrote a short message on the patient's dressing, which read,
"Sorry, had to mow the lawn..."
120
« on: November 03, 2007, 04:32:53 PM »
A doctor says to his patient, 'I have some bad news and worse news'.
'Oh dear, what's the bad news?' asks the patient.
The doctor replies, 'You only have 24 hours to live'.
'That's terrible', said the patient. 'How can the news possibly be worse?'
The doctor replies, 'I've been trying to contact you since yesterday'.
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