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Messages - ravi_sandhu
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61
« on: November 05, 2007, 04:24:38 PM »
A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that, if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons were probably involved. The boys` mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed, but asked to see them individually. So the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.
The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?"
They boy`s mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open, wide-eyed.
So the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?"
Again the boy made no attempt to answer. So the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy`s face and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD!?"
The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.
When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time, dude. God is missing--and they think WE did it!"
62
« on: November 05, 2007, 04:22:14 PM »
A young girl who was writing a paper for school came to her father and asked, "Dad, what is the difference between anger and exasperation?"
The father replied, "It is mostly a matter of degree. Let me show you what I mean."
With that the father went to the telephone and dialed a number at random. To the man who answered the phone, he said, "Hello, is Melvin there?"
The man answered, "There is no one living here named Melvin. Why don`t you learn to look up numbers before you dial?".
"See," said the father to his daughter. "That man was not a bit happy with our call. He was probably very busy with something and we annoyed him. Now watch...."
The father dialed the number again. "Hello, is Melvin there?"asked the father.
"Now look here!" came the heated reply. "You just called this number and I told you that there is no Melvin here! You`ve got lot of guts calling again!" The receiver slammed down hard.
The father turned to his daughter and said, "You see, that was anger. Now I`ll show you what exasperation means."
He dialed the same number, and when a violent voice roared, "Hello!"
The father calmly said, "Hello, this is Melvin. Have there been any calls for me?"
63
« on: November 05, 2007, 04:19:02 PM »
The teacher asked little Johnny if he knew his numbers.
"Yes," he said, "I do. My father taught me."
"Good. What comes after three?"
"Four," answers the boy.
"What comes after six?"
"Seven."
"Very good," says the teacher. "Your dad did a fine job. What comes after ten?"
"A jack."
64
« on: November 05, 2007, 04:16:35 PM »
A father noticed that his son was spending way too much time playing computer games. In an effort to motivate the boy into focusing more attention on his schoolwork, the father said to his son, "When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace."
The son replied, "When Lincoln was your age, he was The President of The United States."
65
« on: November 05, 2007, 04:13:34 PM »
There was a farmer who grew watermelons. He was doing pretty well, but he was disturbed by some local kids who would sneak into his watermelon patch at night and eat his watermelons. After some careful thought, he came upwith a clever idea that he thought would scare the kids away for sure. He made up a sign and posted it in the field.
The next day, the kids show up and they saw the sign which read: "Warning! One of the watermelons in this field has been injected with cyanide."
The kids run off, made up their ownsign and posted it next to the farmer`s sign. When the farmer returned, he surveyed the field. He noticed that no watermelons are missing, but the sign next to his read:
"Now there are two!!!"
66
« on: November 05, 2007, 04:11:04 PM »
A Sunday school teacher of preschoolers was concerned that her students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. She wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that he grew up, etc.
So she asked her class, "Where is Jesus today?"
Steven raised his hand and said, "He`s in heaven."
Mary was called on and answered, "He`s in my heart."
Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He`s in our bathroom!!!"
The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. Finally, she gathered her wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.
Little Johnny said, "Well...every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells, "Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!?"
67
« on: November 05, 2007, 04:08:44 PM »
Nursery school teacher says to her class, "Who can use the word Definitely in a sentence?"
First a little girl says "The sky is definitely blue"
Teacher says, "Sorry, Amy, but the sky can be gray, or orange..."
Second little boy..."Trees are definitely green"
"Sorry, but in the autumn, the trees are brown."
Little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and asks:
"Does a fart have lumps?"
The teacher looks horrified and says... "Johnny! Of course not!!!"
?OK...then I DEFINITELY shit my pants..."
68
« on: November 05, 2007, 04:06:27 PM »
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you`re stupid, stand up!"
After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you`re stupid, Little Johnny?"
"No, ma`am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"
69
« on: November 05, 2007, 04:03:45 PM »
A school inspector asked the class, "If length of the platform is 200 metres and speed of the train is 100 kilometres what should be my age?"
Noting the absurdity of the question, a clever student answered, "Fifty years, sir." The answer was absolutely correct.
The inspector was astounded. He asked the boy his method of calculation. "Simple, sir," the boy replied, "I have an elder brother aged 25 years and everybody calls him half mad!"
70
« on: November 05, 2007, 04:00:52 PM »
Believe it or not!
A boy is watching television and hears the name Jesus Christ and about the good deeds of Jesus Christ and his greatness. Wondering who Jesus Christ is, he asks his mother. She tells him that she is busy and directs him to his father. His father is also busy and so he goes to his elder brother. His brother kicks him out of the room, because he does not have time to answer his stupid questions. Very curious, he goes downtown and sees a bum in an alley.
He asks the bum, "Who is Jesus Christ?" and the bum replies, "Well, I am."
The boy, not believing the bum, asks for proof. So the bum takes the boy into the bar down the street and takes him inside. They walk up to the bar and the bartender exclaims, "Jesus Christ, are you in here again?"
71
« on: November 05, 2007, 03:58:04 PM »
No second question please...
The School Inspector asked the class whether he should ask one difficult question, or two simple questions. A clever student told him to ask only one difficult question. The Inspector asked him the place where the first woman was born.
The boy answered that it was at the Lady Hardinge Hospital, New Delhi.
"How do you know?" the Inspector asked.
"No second question, please," the boy triumphantly replied.
72
« on: November 05, 2007, 03:55:58 PM »
A boy was caught stealing a watch from a shop. He was taken to a police station and put in a lock-up.
A hardened criminal lodged there showed some sympathy and said, "You are wasting time on small items. Why don`t you rob a bank?"
The boy replied, "By the time I leave school, all banks are closed."
73
« on: November 05, 2007, 03:53:31 PM »
Grandpa and granddaughter were sitting talking when she asked, "Did God make you, Grandpa?"
"Yes, God made me," the grandfather answered.
A few minutes later, the little girl asked him, "Did God make me too?"
"Yes, He did," the older man answered.
For a few minutes, the little girl seemed to be studying her grandpa, as well as her own reflection in the mirror, while her grandfather wondered what was running through her mind.
At last she spoke up. "You know, Grandpa," she said, "God is doing a lot better job lately."
74
« on: November 05, 2007, 03:50:46 PM »
Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents. At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs.
"I pray for a new bicycle... I pray for a new Nintendo... I pray for a new VCR..."
His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn?t deaf."
To which the little brother replied, "No, but the grandma is!"
75
« on: November 05, 2007, 03:47:54 PM »
For the second time in a row, I was forced to impose on the woman with whom I carpooled to our children's soccer practice. I phoned and explained that my husband had the car again, so I wouldn't be able to take my turn.
A few minutes before she was due to pick up my son, my husband showed up.
Since it was too late for me to call and say I could drive after all, I asked my husband to hide the car in the garage and to stay inside. I also explained to my son that he shouldn't mention anything about his father's whereabouts.
Unfortunately, my husband forgot and was in front of our house chatting with a friend when my carpool partner arrived.
When my son returned from practice, I asked him if she had noticed.
"Yes," he replied, "she asked me which of the two men in front of the house was my father. But don't worry. I told her I didn't know."
76
« on: November 05, 2007, 03:45:03 PM »
The teacher asked the students to bring one electrical appliance for "Show & Tell," and the next day every kid had something.
The teacher asks Anna: What did you bring?
"I brought a Walkman."
"And what is it for?"
"You can listen to music with it!"
"That's nice. What did you bring Maria?"
"I brought a can opener, it opens cans!"
"Well done. Umm, Johnny, I see you didn't bring anything!"
"Yes, I did. It's in the hall."
So the entire class goes into the hallway.
"Umm, Johnny, what is that?"
"It's a heart / lung machine hospitals use to keep your heart going."
"Whoa. What did your father say about you bringing this?"
"He said, 'AAAARRRGGGH!!!'"
77
« on: November 05, 2007, 03:42:51 PM »
The little girl was so proud of her birthday presents, her first watch and her first perfume. She really made a pest of herself throughout the morning, going up to all the relatives and sticking that watch in their ear and insisting that they smell her perfume.
The preacher was coming for lunch, but before his arrival, the girl's mother had said, "If you mention that watch or that perfume just once more, I'm going to send you to your room for the rest of the day."
The meal went rather well, and the little girl held her tongue until just when the desert was being served. She wanted to make sure that the preacher, too, knew about her new watch and her perfume:
"If you hear anything or smell anything ... it's me!"
78
« on: November 05, 2007, 03:40:08 PM »
A little guy gets on a plane and sits next to the window. A few minutes later, a big, heavy, strong, mean-looking, hulking guy plops down in the seat next to him. The huge man glares threateningly at his neighbor, crowds the little guy so much that he's flattened against the window, and immediately falls asleep.
After the plane takes off, the little guy starts to feel a little air sick, but he's afraid to wake the big guy up to ask if he can go to the bathroom. After a few attempts, he realizes that he can't climb over him, and so the little guy is sitting there, looking at the big guy, trying to decide what to do.
Suddenly, the plane hits an air pocket and an uncontrollable wave of nausea passes over the little fellow. He just can't hold it in any longer and finally pukes all over the big guy's chest.
About five minutes later the big guy wakes up, looks down, and sees the vomit all over him.
"So," the little guy says brightly, "are you feeling better now?"
79
« on: November 05, 2007, 03:37:42 PM »
The first day of school was going good for the new teacher and in an attempt to "break the ice" with the little second graders, she began to ask each student what their fathers did for a living.
"Mary, what does your father do?" asked the teacher.
Mary replied, "My dad is a mailman".
"That's great Mary. Every town needs a mailman to deliver the mail," said the teacher.
"Nancy, what does your father do? asked the teacher again.
"Oh, he is a mechanic", replied Nancy.
"That is really great Nancy we need mechanics like your father to keep our cars running," said the teacher.
Looking in the back of the room she spotted a rather sad looking Johnny. "And, Johnny, what does your daddy do?" asked the teacher.
"W-well, my daddy died last summer", said Johnny in a broken voice.
The teacher really felt bad and wondered how she could get herself out of this one. "Well, I'm ah, really, um, am sorry to hear about your daddy Johnny," stammered the teacher. "What did your daddy do before he died?" she asked.
Johnny calmly replied, "Well, he turned blue, then he shit in his pants."
80
« on: November 05, 2007, 03:34:58 PM »
A lady lost her purse in a bustling department store. She searched everywhere she had visited, but just couldn't find it.
Finally, a little boy approached her and asked, "Ma'am, is this your purse?"
Jubilantly, she grabbed the purse and cried, "Yes! Yes, it is! Thank you so much!"
Then she looked inside and was suddenly confused. "But how strange... when I lost it, I had only a hundred dollar bill, but now I have five twenties!"
The boy replied, "That's because the last time I returned a lady's purse, she didn't have any change for a reward!"
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