A defending attorney was cross examining a coroner.

The attorney asked, "Before you signed the death certificate had you taken
the man's pulse?"

The coroner said, "No."

The attorney then asked, "Did you listen for a heart beat?"

"No."

"Did you check for breathing?"

"No."

"So when you signed the death certificate you had not taken any steps to
make sure the man was dead, had you?"

The coroner, now tired of the brow beating said, "Well, let me put it this
way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk, but for all I know
he could be out there practicing law somewhere."

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle; I`m still a virgin.
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you`ve been married ten times?
"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he`d look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn`t get the system up.
Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn`t know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an Engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from Finance and Administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn`t sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychiatrist; all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynaecologist; all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was ... God, I miss him! But now that I`ve married you, I`m really excited!" "Good," said the husband, "but, why?"
"Duh; you`re a LAWYER. This time I KNOW I`m gonna get screwed!"

Two guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court before the judge.
The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I`d like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and pursued them to give up drugs forever. I`ll see you back in court Monday."
Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the first one,"How did you do over the weekend?"
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."
"17 people? That`s wonderful. What did you tell them?"
"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: O o and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this(small circle) is your brain after drugs."
"That`s admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do?" (to the 2nd guy)
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."
"156 people! That`s amazing! How did you manage to do that!"
"Well, I used the same two circles. I pointed to the small circle and told them, `This is your asshole before prison......` "

A police officer pulls over an elderly female for speeding while driving her husband to a doctors appointment. The officer approaches the vehicle and attempts to explain that he stopped her for speeding.
She looks at her husband and asks, "What did he say?"
The husband replies, "He said he stopped you for speeding."
The officer asked the elderly female for her driver`s license and she turned and asked her husband "What did he say?.
The husband replies "he wants to see your driver`s license."
The women hands the officer her license and he sees that she is from his old home town. The officer tells the couple that he remembered the town because he had the worst sexual experience of his life there.
The women looks at her husband and asked "What did he say?"
The husband replies, "He says he knows you."

Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court on Friday before the judge. The judge said,
"You seem like nice young men, and I`d like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I`ll see you back in court Monday."
Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the 1st one, "How did you do over the weekend?"
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."
"17 people? That`s wonderful. What did you tell them?"
"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this......O...o...and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs."
"That`s admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do?", he asked the second boy,
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."
"156 people! That`s amazing! How did you manage to do that?!?",
"Well, I used a similar approach. (draws two circles) ...o...O
I said (pointing to the small circle) " o - this is your a@#$hole before prison, ..."

A First Class Magistrate (FCM) is going thru' a forest one evening when his car breaks down. He looks around and finds a lone house. He knocks the door which is opened by a stunning woman.

FCM: Can I spend the night at your place?

Woman: Well. I live alone.

FCM: I'm an honourable man, a FCM.

Woman: I got only one bed.

FCM: No problem. I'm an honourable man, a FCM.

Woman: I go to bed naked.

FCM: No problem. I'm an honourable man, a FCM.

Woman: Be my guest, FCM.

Next morning while leaving, FCM finds the woman busy with her poultry.

FCM: Good birds you got there.

Woman: Yeah.

FCM: How many cocks and how many hens?

Woman: Two hundred hens, one cock.

FCM: But I can see over a dozen cocks around.

Woman: Only one cock over there. The others are first class magistrates.

For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn. The last time he`d finally managed an affair with the innkeeper`s daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short.
There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!
"Helen, why didn`t you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried.
"I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!"
"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin` and talkin` and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."

One evening after attending a theater, two gentlemen were walking down the avenue when they observed a rather well dressed lady walking just ahead of them. One of the men turned to the other and said, "I`d give fifty bucks to spend the night with that woman."
To their surprise, the young lady overheard their remarks, and turning around she said, "I`ll just take you up on that."
She had a neat appearance and a pleasant voice. So after bidding his companion good night, the man accompanied the lady to her apartment, where they immediately went to bed. The following morning, the man presented her with twenty five dollars and prepared to leave.
She demanded the rest of the money stating, "I`ll sue you if you do not give me the full amount of fifty dollars."
The next day he was surprised when he received a summons ordering his presence in court as a defendant in a lawsuit. He hurried to his lawyer and explained the details of the case.
His lawyer said, "She can possibly get a judgment against you on such grounds, but it will be interesting to see how the case is presented."
After the usual preliminaries, the lady`s lawyer addressed the court as follows: "Your honor, my client this lady, is the owner of a piece of property. A garden spot surrounded by profuse shrubbery, which property she agreed to rent to the defendant for a specified length of time for the sum of fifty dollars. The defendant took possession of the property, used it intensively for the purpose for which it was rented. But, upon evacuating the premises, he paid only twenty)five dollars, or half of the amount agreed upon. The rent was not excessive since it is restricted property, and we ask judgment be granted against the defendant to assure payment of the balance."
The defendant`s lawyer was impressed, and amused by the way his opponent had presented the case. His defense therefore, was somewhat altered. "Your honor, my client agrees that the young lady has a fine piece of property. That she did rent the property for a time, and that a degree of pleasure was derived from the transaction. However, my client found a well on the property. Around which he placed his own stones, sunk a shaft, and erected a pump, all labor being done by him personally. We claim that these improvements to the property were sufficient to offset the unpaid amount, and therefore, ask that the judgment not be granted."
The young lady`s lawyer came back as follows: "Your honor, my client agrees that the defendant did find a well on her property, and that he did know that the well existed, or he would not have rented the property. Also upon evacuating the premises, the defendant removed the stones, pulled out the shaft, and took the pump with him. In doing so, he not only dragged his equipment through the shrubbery, but left the hole larger than it was prior to his occupancy, making it easily accessible to little children. We therefore, ask that the judgment be granted."
AND SHE GOT IT ! ! !

Two tigers are walking single file along a narrow jungle path when the tiger in back takes off and disappears for a few minutes.
Shortly after the other tiger returns to his place behind the lead tiger, the lead tiger feels what appears to be the trailing tiger's tongue applied just below his tail. Although he disapproves of this, he doesn't say anything because he doesn't want to start any trouble.
Shortly, the lead tiger feels the same sensation and, being thoroughly disgusted, decides to confront this butt-licker.
He turns around and says to the other tiger, "Hey! Did you just lick me twice in the butt?"
The rear tiger replies, "Yeah, and I'm very sorry about it. The trouble is, I just ate a lawyer and I was just trying to get the taste out of my mouth."

While walking through a courthouse, a kid enters an empty courtroom.

He sees a fine leather briefcase (the kind the lawyers carry) sitting on the table, picks it up and exits through the back door of the courtroom into the judge's chambers.

And who should be sitting there; the judge.

Judge: Hey kid, are you familiar with the liquor store across the street from the courthouse?

Kid: (nods).

Judge: Good, I want you to go across the street and steal me a bottle of booze.

The kid runs across the street, enters the liquor store, and when the proprietor is not looking, slips a fifth into the briefcase and brings it back to the judge.

The judge immediately opens the bottle and swigs half of it.

Judge: Hey kid, I need you to run another errand. There's a contractor, Slapdash Construction, next to the liquor store. Go to them and tell them that the judge sent you. They'll give you a brown paper bag. Bring it back to me.

The kid runs to Slapdash Construction, tells them that the judge sent him, receives a brown paper bag filled with fifties and hundreds, puts it into the briefcase and takes it to the judge.

Judge: Kid, you did great. Now unzip my fly.

The kid unzips the judge's fly.

Judge: Now suck my dick!

Kid: Hey wait a minute mister. I'm not a real attorney; I just found this briefcase in the courtroom!