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Messages - ravi_sandhu
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241
« on: November 03, 2007, 08:19:57 AM »
One day a man was digging a hole to plant a tree in his back yard. After digging about 2 feet he hit a lamp, so he picked it up and brushed it off. Suddenly out popped a Genie who said he would grant him three wishes.
"Great!" the man explained.
"However," said the genie, "I must know who you hate the most."
"I hate that lawyer down the street the most." the man said.
"Well," said the genie, "whatever you wish for, the lawyer gets double that."
Eager to get his wishing started, the man exclaimed, "I wish I had a billion dollars!"
Poof! there was a million dollars next to him.
"Now remember the lawyer has 2 million dollars," said the genie.
Once again the man blurted out a wish impatiently. "I wish I had a Lemo and a driver!"
Poof! Suddenly there was a Lemo and a driver in his driveway.
"Remember, the lawyer has 2 Lemo's and 2 drivers." the genie said. "This is your final wish, make it a good one."
After a long period of thought, the man grabbed his shovel and handed it to the genie. Then he exclaimed, "I wish you would beat me HALF to DEATH.
242
« on: November 03, 2007, 08:14:58 AM »
A guy wanders into the local post office and sees a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with lots of little hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying the scent all over them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he approaches the balding man and asks him what he's doing. The man says, "Oh, I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why?" asks the man.
"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.
243
« on: November 03, 2007, 08:12:39 AM »
A small, uncertain, and nervous witness was being cross-examined.
The lawyer thundered, "Have you ever been married?"
"Yes, sir," said the witness in a low voice. "Once."
"Whom did you marry?" the lawyer demanded.
"Well, a woman," the witness answered timidly.
The lawyer said angrily, "Of course you married a woman. Did you ever hear of anyone marrying a man?"
And the witness said meekly, "My sister did."
244
« on: November 03, 2007, 08:10:04 AM »
One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the roadside. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
"Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man.
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.
"Oh, well please come along with me then."
"But sir, I have a wife with two children!"
"Bring them along! And you, come with us too!", he said to the other man.
"But sir, I have a wife with six children!" the second man answered.
"Bring them as well! The more the merrier!"
They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, "Sir, you are every so kind. Thank you so much for taking us all with you."
The lawyer smiles and replies: "No problem, the grass at my home is about two feet tall..."
245
« on: November 03, 2007, 08:07:43 AM »
A judge was instructing the jury that because a witness changed his statement after giving it to the police, he should not necessarily be regarded as untruthful.
"For example," the Judge said, "when I entered my chambers today, I was certain that I had my gold watch in my pocket. Then I remembered that I had left it on my nightstand in my bedroom."
When the Judge arrived home that evening, his wife asked, "Why so much urgency for your watch? Don't you think sending three men to pick it up for you was a bit extreme?"
"What?" exclaimed the Judge. "I didn't send anyone for my watch, let alone three people. What did you do?"
"I gave it to the first one," replied his wife, "he knew exactly where
246
« on: November 03, 2007, 01:46:02 AM »
NAI YR MAIN HON SAREEF HO GAYA
247
« on: November 03, 2007, 01:43:30 AM »
There once was a man who had a phone implanted in his hand
and he walked into a biker bar. Shortly, his hand started to
ring and he picked his hand up and answered it. This procedure
happened one or two more times, and finally the bartender asked
what the heck he was doing, so he told him he had a cell phone
implanted in his hand, and the bartender told him he better be
careful because the boys at the bar did not like freaks like
him. He took the advice. A few minutes later he headed for the
bathroom and did not come back for ten minutes, then fifteen and
fifteen turned into twenty. The bartender went in to check up on
him to see if he had been hurt by a biker and sure enough, he
had his pants down to his ankles and toilet paper stuffed up his
butt. The bartender asked, "I warned you about this!"
And the man replied, "No, you have the wronge idea, I am just
getting a fax!"
248
« on: November 03, 2007, 01:40:43 AM »
One day there were three hunters. Their names were Bob, Zach,
and Jason. One day Jason went out and came back with a huge
deer. Zach and Bob were amazed and said," How did you do that?"
Jason answered, "I followed the tracks, caught the deer with a
rope, killed the deer with a knife, and brought it back."
The next day Zach went out and got an even bigger deer than
Jason's! Jason and Bob were amazed and said,"How did you do
that?" Zach answered,"I followed the tracks, caught the deer
with a rope, killed the deer with a knife, and brought it back."
The next day Bob tried to catch an even better deer than Zach's.
Later that day, a guy named Ed came and said,"Bob died." Zach
and Jason asked,"How?" "Well according to the witnesses it's a
very strange story. Bob was following the train tracks. When he
saw some people and shouted,'has anyone seen a deer!' Then a
train came and he threw a rope on it. The rope tied to a wheel.
Next Bob tried to cut the train open with a knife and BOOM! He's
dead.
249
« on: November 03, 2007, 01:37:54 AM »
SALISBURY, Md. - A 10-year-old boy has been charged with assault
for allegedly snapping girls' bras. The Pittsville Elementary
pupil, was accused of assaulting five girls, ages 8 to 11,
earlier this month. He was suspended from school for three days.
The boy was charged with four counts of assault for allegedly
snapping girls' bras and one count of sex offense for allegedly
touching a girl's buttocks.
[When asked why he did these things, he replied "I want to be
President one day."]
250
« on: November 03, 2007, 01:34:46 AM »
At the emergency meeting of the UN regarding another conflict in the Middle East, the floor has been given to the Israeli Consul.
The Israeli Consul began, "Ladies and gentlemen before I commence with my speech, I wanted to relay an old story to all of you...
When Moses was leading the Jews out of Egypt he had to go through deserts, and prairies, and even more deserts... The people became thirsty and needed water.
So Moses struck the side of a mountain with his cane and at the sight of that mountain a pond appeared with crystal clean, cool water. And the people rejoiced and drank to their hearts' content. Moses wished to cleanse his whole body, so he went over to the other side of the pond, took all of his clothes off and dove into the cool waters. Only when Moses came out of the water he discovered that all his clothes had been stolen... And I have reasons to believe that the Palestinians stole his clothes."
Yassir Arafat, hearing this accusation, jumps out of his seat and screams, "This is a travesty...It's a lie ! It is widely known that there were no Palestinians there at the time!!!"
"And in agreement with Chairman Arafat," said the Israeli Consul, "let me begin my speech..."
251
« on: November 03, 2007, 01:32:14 AM »
Three dead bodies of Indian politicians turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The medical examiner calls the police to show them what has happened. A Detective Inspector is sent and is taken to the first body.
"He was a BJP leader, 65 years of age, died of heart failure whilst making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector," says the medical examiner.
The Detective Inspector is taken to the second dead man.
"He was a minister from ruling Congress party, was 70, made a pile from government funds, and spent it all on whiskey. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."
"Nothing unusual here", thinks the Inspector, and asks to be shown the last body.
"Ah," says the medical examiner. "This is the most unusual one. MP from Bihar, 60, struck by lightning."
"Why is he smiling then?` inquires the Inspector.
To which the medical officer replies, "He thought he was having his picture taken."
252
« on: November 03, 2007, 01:30:01 AM »
The Israeli Ambassador is sitting down with Yassir Arafat to try to work out a peace agreement. The Ambassador asks if he might first tell a story. Arafat tells him to go ahead.
The Ambassador begins.
"When Moses was in the desert for 40 years, the Jews got very thirsty and Moses asked God for water and there appeared a beautiful lake. The Jews first drank and then bathed themselves. Moses did the same when it was his turn, but when he came out of the water, all his clothes were gone. "Moses shouted, `Where are my clothes? Who took them?"` "The Jews answered, `The Palestinians took them.`"
Arafat quickly objected by saying that there were no Palestinians at that time.
he Ambassador looks at Arafat and says, "RIGHT!!! NOW we can begin to negotiate
253
« on: November 03, 2007, 01:27:39 AM »
After setting sail on a solo voyage around the world, Peter Goss, 35, said an inflamed tendon in his arm began causing problems. Three months into the voyage, he operated on himself to repair the tendon, using a flashlight strapped to his head for illumination and following faxed instructions from a French doctor. "It`s a strange sensation slicing away at yourself with a scalp
254
« on: November 03, 2007, 01:24:53 AM »
The Israeli Ambassador is sitting down with Yassir Arafat to try to work out a peace agreement. The Ambassador asks if he might first tell a story. Arafat tells him to go ahead.
The Ambassador begins.
"When Moses was in the desert for 40 years, the Jews got very thirsty and Moses asked God for water and there appeared a beautiful lake. The Jews first drank and then bathed themselves. Moses did the same when it was his turn, but when he came out of the water, all his clothes were gone. "Moses shouted, `Where are my clothes? Who took them?"` "The Jews answered, `The Palestinians took them.`"
Arafat quickly objected by saying that there were no Palestinians at that time.
he Ambassador looks at Arafat and says, "RIGHT!!! NOW we can begin to negotiate
255
« on: November 03, 2007, 01:22:35 AM »
George W. Bush and Colin Powell are sitting in a bar. A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn`t that Bush and Powell sitting over there?"
The barman says, "Yep, that`s them."
So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honor. What are you guys doing in here?"
Bush says, "We`re planning World War III".
And the guy says, "Really? What`s going to happen?"
Bush says, "Well, we`re going to kill 140 million Iraqis and one intelligent blonde.
The guy exclaimed, "Intelligent blonde!! Why kill a blonde?"
Bush turns to Powell, punches him on the shoulder and says, "See, smart ass?! I told you no one would worry about the 140 million Iraqis!"
256
« on: November 03, 2007, 01:20:05 AM »
Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients on the operating table.
The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."
The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon chimes in, "You know, I like construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."
But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed, "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head and butt are interchangeable."
257
« on: November 03, 2007, 01:17:49 AM »
A Senator, a clergyman, and a Boy Scout were passengers in a small plane that developed engine trouble.
The pilot announced, "We're gonna have to bail out. Unfortunately, there are only three parachutes. I have a wife and eight small children. My family needs me. I'm taking one of the parachutes and jumping out!"
And sure enough, he jumped.
Then the Senator declared, "Since I'm the smartest politician in the world, my country needs me, so I'm sorry, but I'm taking one of the parachutes."
And sure enough, the Senator bailed out.
The clergyman said to the Boy Scout, "Son, I've had a great life, and yours is still ahead of you. You can take the last parachute."
The youngster shrugged and replied, "I don't need to, there are two parachutes left...the smartest politician in the world jumped with my knapsack!"
258
« on: November 03, 2007, 01:14:45 AM »
GARY, Indiana - Last Monday FBI agents busted a $1,000-a-day cocaine ring being run out of City Hall, allegedly by the city`s chief computer programer and its payroll clerk.
Programer Arthur Harris, 46, and clerk Karen Laverne Shivers, 41, were arrested at their apartment Monday.
Agents seized 5 ounces of cocaine, 6 ounces of crack and $6,000. Federal agents said they taped three telephone conversations in which Harris, speaking on a City Hall phone, arranged to sell crack.
259
« on: November 03, 2007, 01:12:28 AM »
Three dead bodies of Indian politicians turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The medical examiner calls the police to show them what has happened. A Detective Inspector is sent and is taken to the first body.
"He was a BJP leader, 65 years of age, died of heart failure whilst making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector," says the medical examiner.
The Detective Inspector is taken to the second dead man.
"He was a minister from ruling Congress party, was 70, made a pile from government funds, and spent it all on whiskey. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."
"Nothing unusual here", thinks the Inspector, and asks to be shown the last body.
"Ah," says the medical examiner. "This is the most unusual one. MP from Bihar, 60, struck by lightning."
"Why is he smiling then?` inquires the Inspector.
To which the medical officer replies, "He thought he was having his picture taken."
260
« on: November 03, 2007, 01:09:39 AM »
An Indian politician went to the US to visit his counterpart. When the senator invited him home for dinner, the minister was very impressed by the lavish mansion, grounds and the costly furnishings.
He asked, "How can you afford all this on a meagre senator's salary?"
The sentaor smiled knowingly and took him to the window.
"Can you see the river?"
"Yes"
"Can you see the bridge over it?"
"Of course", said the minister.
"10 percent", said the senator smugly.
Some time later, he had occasion to pay a return visit. The Indian minister lavished all hospitality on him. When they came to his house,the American was stunned by the huge palace the minister had built, glittering with precious art, hundreds of servants etc etc.
"How can you possibly afford this, on a salary in Indian Rupees," he asked.
The minister called him to the window.
"See the river over there?"
"Sure", cried the senator.
"Can you see the bridge over it?"
The senator looked, was confused, peered closely and said, "No, I don't see any bridge."
"100 percent", said the minister !!
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