I've got a friend who works as a Doctor. One day, he tells me, he was driving his 3 year old daughter to nursery school.

He had left his stethoscope in the back seat of his car and on the way there his little girl picked it up and began playing with it.

"Be still my heart," thought my friend, "my daughter wants to follow in my footsteps..."

Then the kid spoke into the stethoscope...

"Welcome to McDonalds, may I take your order?"

A nurse was on duty in the ER, when a young lady sporting a crazy Purple Mohawk and various tattoos entered.

It was determined quickly, that the patient was suffering from appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery.

On disrobing the patient on the operating table the staff noticed that she also had her pubic hair dyed green with a tattoo just above it which said 'Keep off the grass'.

Once the surgery was completed, the Surgeon wrote a short message on the patient's dressing, which read,

"Sorry, had to mow the lawn..."

Four expectant fathers were in a Minneapolis hospital waiting room, while their wives were in labour.

The nurse tells the first man, "Congratulations! You're the father of twins!"

"What a coincidence! I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team!"

The nurse returns and tells the second man, "You are the father of triplets!"

"Wow, what a coincidence! I work for 3M Corporation!"

When the nurse tells the third man that his wife has given birth to quadruplets.

"Another coincidence! I work for Four Seasons Hotel!"

At this point, the fourth guy faints. When he comes to, the others ask what's wrong.

"What's wrong?! I work for Seven-Up!"

3 elderly men are at the doctor's office for a memory test.

The doctor asks the first man, "What is three times three?"

"274," came the reply.

The doctor rolls his eyes and looks up at the ceiling, and says to the second man, "It's your turn. What is three times three?"

"Tuesday," replies the second man. The doctor shakes his head sadly, then asks the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's three times three?"

"Nine," says the third man.

"That's great!" says the doctor.

"How did you get that?"

"Simple," he says, "just subtract 274 from Tuesday."

One morning, Kevin wakes up to find his dog dead, lying next to his bed.

He can't quite believe it, so decides to take him to the vet.

The Vet takes one look at the dog and says: "Kevin, I'm truly sorry, but your dog is dead..."

"Nooo. He can't be dead. I demand a second opinion!" replies Kevin.

The doctor nods and agrees. He goes into the back room and brings out a cat. The cat jumps all over the dog, bites it, looks at the vet and says: "Meoowwww"

The vet again says, "I'm sorry but your dog is truly dead."

Kevin says, "No!, I don't believe it, I want another opinion."

The vet nods and brings out a Labrador Retriever, which then begins to jump all over the dead dog, tugging at it before barking: "Woof roof woof"

The vet says, "Sir, your dog is dead. That will be 400 dollars."

"$400 to tell me my dog is dead?" asks Kevin.

"Well," the vet replies, "I charge 50 dollars, the cat scan is 200 and the lab test is 150 dollars..."

A new miracle doctor was in town. He could cure anything and anybody, and everyone was amazed with what he can do except for Bhola, the town's grouch.

So Bhola went to this 'Miracle Doctor' to prove that he wasn't so miraculous.

He goes and tells the doctor, "Hey, doc, I have lost my sense of taste. I can't taste nothing, so what are you going to do?"

The doctor scratches his head and mumbles to himself a little, then tell Bhola, "What you need is jar number 43."

"Jar number 43?", Bhola wonders.

So the doctor leaves and after five minutes brings a jar and tells Bhola to taste it.

He tastes it and immediately spits it out, "This is Shit!" he yells.

"I just restored your sense of taste Bhola," says the doctor.

So Bhola goes home very mad.

One month later, Bhola goes back to the doctor along with a new problem, "Doc," he starts, "I can't remember!"

Thinking he got the doctor, the doctor scratches his head and mumbles to himself a little. Then tells Bhola, "What you need is jar number 43..."

Before the doctor finished his sentence, Bhola fled the office.

An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?"

"There's something wrong with my dick," he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that."

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you, he said."

The receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private."

The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered. The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"

"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.

The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.

"And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"

"I can't piss out of it, the man replied."

The doctor's office erupted in laughter

A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix.

The doctors operated and advised him that all was well. However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs on his chest.

Worried that it might be a second surgery the doctors hadn't told him about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown down enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.

Taped very firmly across his hairy chest were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily. Written in large black letters was the sentence.

"Get well quick..... from the nurse you gave a ticket to last week."

Bleeding Man



Perhaps you've heard of the man who thought he was dead, when in reality he was very much alive. His delusion became such a problem that his family finally paid for him to see a psychiatrist.

The psychiatrist spent many laborious sessions trying to convince the man he was still alive. Nothing seemed to work. Finally, the doctor tried one last approach. He took out his medical book and proceeded to show the patient that dead men don't bleed.

After hours of tedious study, the patient seemed convinced that dead men don?t bleed.

"Do you now agree that dead men don't bleed?" the doctor asked.

"Yes, I do," the patient replied. "Very well, then," the doctor said.

He took out a pin and pricked the patient's finger. Out came a trickle of blood.

The doctor asked, "What does that tell you?"

"Oh my goodness!" the patient exclaimed as he stared incredulously at his finger....... "Dead men do bleed!!"

There was this Indian chief who was straining to blow a fart but it wouldn't come out.

So he sent his little messenger boy to the doctor and he says, "Big chief, no fart."

The doctor gives him a can of beans and tells him to come back tomorrow to tell him what happened.

The messenger boy comes back the next day and says, "Big chief, no fart."

The doctor gives him 10 cans of beans this time.

The messenger boy comes back the next day and says, "Big chief, no fart."

The doctor gives him 100 cans of beans.

The messenger boy comes back the next day and says, "Big chief, no fart."

The doctor gives him 1,000 cans of beans and says, "If this doesn't work then nothing will."

The messenger boy comes back the next day and looks at the doctor.

The doctor anxiously asked, "Well, did it work?"

The messenger boy says, "Big fart, no chief!"