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Messages - ravi_sandhu
Pages: 1 2 3 4 5 6 [7] 8 9 10 11 12 ... 27
121
« on: November 04, 2007, 09:38:10 AM »
Three guys from Carolina died and went to hell.
Satan went to check on them and saw that they had their shirts off and didn't mind the heat, so he turned up the heat.
He went to check on them again and he saw that they were in their boxers and they still didn't mind the heat.
Satan went and turned the temperature down to minus twenty.
Satan went to check on them and he saw that they were in their coats cheering.
He went up to them and asked why they were cheering.
One of them yelled out "Hell
froze over, the Hurricanes must have won the cup!"
122
« on: November 04, 2007, 09:35:27 AM »
A Kindergarten teacher tells her class she's a BIG Lakers fan.
She's really excited about it and asks the kids if they're Lakers fans too.
Everyone wants to impress the teacher and says they're Lakers fans too, except ONE kid, ...named Josh.
The teacher looks at Josh and says, "Josh, you're not a Lakers fan?"
He says, "Nope, Im a Sacrmento Kings fan!" She says, "Well why are you a Sacrmento Kings fan and not a Lakers fan?"
Josh says, "Well, my mom is a Sacrmento Kings fan, and my dad is a Sacrmento Kings fan, so I'm a Sacrmento Kings fan."
The teacher's not real happy. She's a little hot under the collar. She says, "Well, if your moms an idiot, and your dads a moron, then what would you be?!"
Josh says, "Then I'd be a Laker fan!"
123
« on: November 04, 2007, 09:33:14 AM »
The pro football team had just finished their
daily practice session when a large turkey came
strutting onto the field.
While the players gazed in amazement, the turkey
walked up to the head coach and demanded a tryout.
Everyone stared in silence as the turkey caught
pass after pass and ran right through the defensive
line.
When the turkey returned to the sidelines, the
coach shouted, "You're terrific!!! Sign up for
the season, and I'll see to it that you get a
huge bonus."
"Forget the bonus," the turkey said, "All I want
to know is, does the season go past Thanksgiving Day?"
124
« on: November 04, 2007, 09:30:16 AM »
. Look at the size of his putter.
2. Oh, dang, my shaft's all bent.
3. You really wacked the hell out of that sucker.
4. After 18 holes I can barely walk.
5. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.
6. Lift your head and spread your legs.
7. You have a nice stroke, but your follow through leaves a lot to be desired.
8. Just turn your back and drop it.
9. Hold up. I've got to wash my balls.
10. Damn, I missed the hole again.
125
« on: November 04, 2007, 09:27:52 AM »
TOP 10 REASONS HOCKEY IS BETTER THAN SEX...
10. YOU GO IN 1-2 MINUTE SHIFTS
9. THE PUCK IS ALWAYS HARD
8. THE PROTECTIVE EQUIPMENT IS REUSABLE
7. IT LASTS A FULL HOUR
6. YOU KNOW YOU ARE FINISHED WHEN THE BUZZER SOUNDS
5. YOUR PARENTS CHEER WHEN YOU SCORE
4. A 2 ON 1 OR 3 ON 1 IS NOT UNCOMMON
3. IT IS LEGAL TO PLAY PROFESSIONALLY
2. YOU CAN COUNT ON IT AT LEAST TWICE A WEEK
1. PERIODS ONLY LAST 20 MINUTES
126
« on: November 04, 2007, 09:14:57 AM »
There were two old guys, Abe and Sol, sitting on a bench in a park feeding pigeons and talking about baseball.
Just like they did every day. Abe turned to Sol and asked, "Do you think there's baseball in heaven?"
Soloman thought about it for a minute and replied, "I dunno, Abe, but let's make a deal:
If I die first, I will come back and tell you -- and if you die first, you come back and tell me --if there is baseball in heaven."
They shook on it. Sadly, a few months later poor Abe passed on.
One day soon afterward, Sol was sitting there feeding the pigeons by himself when he heard a voice whisper, "Sol... Sol...."
Sol responded, "Abe! Is that you?"
"Yes it is Sol," whispered the spirit of Abe.
Sol, still amazed, asked, "So, is there baseball in heaven?"
"Well," Abe said, "I got good news and I got bad news."
"Gimme the good news first," said Sol.
Abe said, "Well... there is baseball in heaven."
Sol said, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that!?"
Abe sighed and whispered, "You're pitching on Friday."
127
« on: November 04, 2007, 09:12:22 AM »
A guy walked into a pro-shop with a gorilla. "Is anyone interested in a little wager?" he said, flashing some large bills around. "I've got $500.00 here that says my gorilla can hit the ball longer and straighter than anybody here at this club. In fact, he hits it 500 yards right down the middle . . . every time!"
Everyone in the pro-shop started laughing. After a moment, the newest pro at the club and the longest hitter in the area spoke up, "I gotta see this!" he said. "You know, what? I'll take you up on that wager! Meet you on the first tee."
When they reached the 585-yard par-5 first tee the trainer led the gorilla to the tee box, put a driver in his hands, set a tee in the ground. The gorilla did the rest.
Sure enough, he smashed his drive right down the middle and clear out of sight. When the ball finally came to rest it was on the green -- 6 inches from the cup.
The pro was astonished. "That's incredible!" he exclaimed. "How did you train him to hit the ball like that!" There's no need for me to tee off. I couldn't beat him with a stick. Here's your money."
As the pro walked off the green, still shaking his head, he turned back to the trainer and said, "Oh, by the way, how does he putt?"
The trainer responded, "Just like he drives: 500 yards. Right down the middle. Every time."
128
« on: November 04, 2007, 09:10:03 AM »
Two boys are playing football in Central Park when one is attacked by a rabid Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips off a board of the nearby fence, wedges it down the dog's collar and twists, breaking the dogs neck.
A reporter who was strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy.
"Young Giants Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal," he starts writing in his notebook.
"But I'm not a Giants fan," the little hero replied.
"Sorry, since we are in New York, I just assumed you were." said the reporter and starts again. "Little Jets Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack" he continued writing in his notebook.
"I'm not a Jets fan either," the boy said.
"I assumed everyone in New York was either for the Giants or Jets. What team do you root for?" the reporter asked.
"I'm a Cowboys fan," the child said.
The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, "Little Redneck Maniac Kills Beloved Family Pet."
129
« on: November 04, 2007, 09:07:36 AM »
Some guys are playing football in Golden Gate Park when one is attacked by a Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, his friend rips off a board of the nearby fence, wedges it down the dog's collar and twists, breaking the dog's neck.
A reporter who is strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the man.
"Forty Niners' fan saves friend from vicious animal," he starts writing in his notebook. "But I'm not a Niners fan," the guy replies.
"Oakland Raiders' fan rescues friend from horrific attack," the reporter starts again.
"I'm not a Raiders fan either," the guy says.
"Then what are you?" the reporter asks.
"I'm a Cowboys fan!!!"
The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, "Redneck bastard kills family pet."
130
« on: November 04, 2007, 09:05:15 AM »
A Scottish man was at a baseball game. It was the first time he had ever seen the sport so he sat quietly. The first batter approached the plate, took a few swings and then hit a double. Everyone was on their feet screaming "Run, run!"
This happened two more times, with a single and a triple. The Scottish man was now excited and ready to get into the game.
The next batter came up and four balls went by. The umpire called "walk" and the batter started on a slow trot to first. The Scotsman, extremely excited now, stood up and screamed, "R-R-Run ye ba$$tarrd, rrrun!"
Everyone around him started laughing so the Scotsman, extremely embarrassed, sat back down. The fan sitting next to the Scotsman noticed his embarrassment, so he leaned over and explained, "He can't run because he got four balls."
The Scotsman immediately stood up and screamed, "Walk with pride, man! Walk with pride!"
131
« on: November 04, 2007, 09:02:28 AM »
A golfer stood over his tee shot for what seemed like an eternity. Looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring just the right wind direction and speed. Driving his partner absolutely nuts.
Finally, his exasperated partner say, "Why are you taking so long? Just hit the blasted Ball!!!"
The guy answers, "Look, my wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."
"Ah, forget it man, you're never gonna hit her from here..."
132
« on: November 04, 2007, 08:59:54 AM »
A man staggers into casualty with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped around his throat.
Naturally the doctor asks him what happened. "Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows.
"We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.
"I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball -- stuck right in the middle of the ... well that's when I made my mistake."
"What did you do?" asks the doctor.
"Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!'"
133
« on: November 04, 2007, 08:54:57 AM »
These two guys were approaching the first tee. The first guy goes into his golf bag to get a ball and says to his friend, "Hey, why don't you try this ball." He draws a green golf ball out of his
bag. "You can't lose it."
His friend replies, "What do you mean you can't lose it?!!" The first man replies, "I'm serious, you can't lose it. If you hit it into the woods, it makes a beeping sound, if you hit it into the water it produces bubbles, and if you hit it on the fairway, smoke comes up in order for you to find it."
Obviously, his friend doesn't believe him, but he shows him all the possibilities until he is convinced. The friend says, "Wow! That's incredible! Where did you get that ball?"
The man replies, "I found it."
134
« on: November 04, 2007, 08:52:38 AM »
Posh Spice and David Beckham are sitting in front of the TV watching the Six O'clock news. The headline feature is a man who is threatening to jump off a Suspension Bridge onto the busy road
below.
Posh turns to Beckham and says "Dave, I bet you ?10000 that he jumps." He replies "?10000! Done." The pair shake on it and continue watching the commotion on the tv . Sure enough , the man jumps and hits the road below with a loud thud.
Beckham takes 10 grand out of his pocket and gives it to Posh. "I can't take that from you Dave" she says. I was cheating. I saw the Five O'clock News earlier so I Knew what was going to happen. I can't accept that money ."
Beckham replies "No Babe. The money is yours fair and square. I was cheating too. I just didn't think he would do it again."
135
« on: November 04, 2007, 08:30:44 AM »
These two guys were approaching the first tee. The first guy goes into his golf bag to get a ball and says to his friend, "Hey, why don't you try this ball." He draws a green golf ball out of his
bag. "You can't lose it."
His friend replies, "What do you mean you can't lose it?!!" The first man replies, "I'm serious, you can't lose it. If you hit it into the woods, it makes a beeping sound, if you hit it into the water it produces bubbles, and if you hit it on the fairway, smoke comes up in order for you to find it."
Obviously, his friend doesn't believe him, but he shows him all the possibilities until he is convinced. The friend says, "Wow! That's incredible! Where did you get that ball?"
The man replies, "I found it."
136
« on: November 04, 2007, 08:28:02 AM »
Posh Spice and David Beckham are sitting in front of the TV watching the Six O'clock news. The headline feature is a man who is threatening to jump off a Suspension Bridge onto the busy road
below.
Posh turns to Beckham and says "Dave, I bet you ?10000 that he jumps." He replies "?10000! Done." The pair shake on it and continue watching the commotion on the tv . Sure enough , the man jumps and hits the road below with a loud thud.
Beckham takes 10 grand out of his pocket and gives it to Posh. "I can't take that from you Dave" she says. I was cheating. I saw the Five O'clock News earlier so I Knew what was going to happen. I can't accept that money ."
Beckham replies "No Babe. The money is yours fair and square. I was cheating too. I just didn't think he would do it again."
137
« on: November 04, 2007, 08:25:31 AM »
A fellow is getting ready to tee-off on the first hole when a second fellow approaches and asks if he can join him. The first says that he usually plays alone but agrees to let the second guy join him. Both are even after the first couple of holes.
The second guy says, "Say, we're about evenly matched, how about we play for five bucks a hole?"
The first fellow says that he usually plays alone and doesn't like to bet, but agrees to the terms. Well, the second guy wins the rest of the holes and as they're walking off of the eighteenth hole, and while counting his $80.00, he confesses that he's the pro at a neighboring course and likes to pick on suckers.
The first fellow reveals that he's the Parish Priest at the local Catholic Church to which the second fellow gets all flustered and apologetic and offers to give the Priest back his money.
The Priest says, "No, no. You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings."
The pro says, "Well, is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"
The Priest says, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation. Then, if you bring your mother and father by after Mass, I'll marry them for you."
138
« on: November 04, 2007, 08:22:35 AM »
Joe and his three golf buddies were out playing and were just starting on the back nine when Joe paused, looked down the fairway and began to sob uncontrollably. The other three gathered around him and asked, "Whats wrong?"
Joe looked down at his feet, sniffed and dried his eyes some, then apologized for his emotional outburst. "I'm sorry, I always get emotional at this hole - it holds very difficult memories for me."
One of his buddies asked, "What happened? What could have gotten you so upset?"
Joe stared silently off in the distance, then said in a low voice, "This is where my wife and I were playing 12 years ago when she suddenly died of a heart attack; right at this very hole."
"Oh my God," the other golfers said, "That must have been horrible!"
"Horrible? You think it's horrible?" Joe cried in disbelief. "It was worse than that! Every hole for the rest of the day, all the way back to the clubhouse it was 'hit the ball, drag Alice, hit the ball, drag Alice...'"
139
« on: November 04, 2007, 08:20:08 AM »
Three guys are golfing with the club pro. The first guy tees off and hits a dribbler about 60 yards. He turns to the pro and asks, "What did I do wrong?"
The pro says, "Loft."
The next guy tees off and hits a duck hook into the woods.
He asks the pro, "What did I do wrong?"
The pro says, "Loft."
The third guy tees off and hits a slice into the pond.
He asks the pro, "What did I do wrong?"
The pro again said, "Loft."
As they are walking to their balls, the first guy finally speaks up and asks the pro, "The three of us hit completely different tee shots and when we asked you what we did wrong you gave the same answer each time.
"What is loft?"
The pro said, "Lack of fu**ing talent."
140
« on: November 04, 2007, 08:14:19 AM »
Senile Golfer
Phil loved golf, but his eye sight had gotten so bad, that he couldn't find his ball once he'd hit it.
He consulted with his wife, and she recommended that Phil bring along her uncle John.
Phil said, "But John is 80 years old and half senile!"
His wife replied, "Yes, but his eyesight is incredible."
Phil finally agreed and took John along. He teed off and could feel that he had hit it solidly.
He asked Ted, "Do you see it?"
John nodded his head and said, "Boy, that was a beautiful shot!"
Phil excitedly asked, "Well, where did it land?!"
John said, "Hmmm. I forgot."
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