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Topics - ravi_sandhu
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301
« on: October 31, 2007, 04:40:16 PM »
3 women went out drinking, and decided to have a contest of who could get the drunkest.
The next day the women all got together.
The first woman said, "I drove my car into a ditch."
The second woman said, "I blew chunks."
The third woman said, "I burned down my house."
After they all had told their stories, the third woman said, "I guess I won," and the second woman said, "You don't understand, Chunks is my dog."
302
« on: October 31, 2007, 04:36:44 PM »
Two women go out one Friday night without their husbands.
As they head back home, right before dawn, both of them drunk, they felt the urge to pee.
They noticed the only place to stop was a cemetery. Scared and drunk, they stopped and decided to go there anyway.
The first one did not have anything to clean herself with, so she took off her panties and used them to clean herself and discarded them.
The second, not finding anything either, thought, "I'm not getting rid of my panties..." so she used the ribbon of a flower wreath to clean herself.
The morning after, the two husbands were talking to each other on the phone, and one says to the other:
"We have to be on the look-out, it seems that these two were up to no good last night, my wife came home without her panties."
The other one responded: "You're lucky, mine came home with a card stuck to her butt that read: "We will never forget you".
303
« on: October 31, 2007, 04:33:57 PM »
A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time.
She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist.
Her doctor recommended that she see the well known Chinese sex therapist, Dr. Chang. So she went to see him.
Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all your crose."
The woman did as she was told.
"Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of room." Again,
The woman did as she was instructed.
Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me." So
she did..
Dr.Chang shook his head slowly and said, "Your probrem vewy bad. You
haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates."
Worried, the woman asked anxiously, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?"
Dr. Chang sighed deeply, and replied, "Ed Zachary Disease is when your face look ed zachary like your ass.
304
« on: October 31, 2007, 04:31:27 PM »
Dear Tide:
I'm writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it ever since the beginning of my married life, when my Mom told me it was the best.
Now that I am older and going through menopause, I find it is even better. In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse.
My unfeeling and uncaring husband started to berate me about how clumsy I was, and generally started to become a pain in the neck.
One thing led to another and I ended up with a lot of his blood on my white blouse. I tried to get the stain out using a bargain detergent, but it just wouldn't come out.
After a quick trip to the supermarket and got a bottle of liquid Tide with bleach alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out!
In fact, the stains came out so well, that some detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests were negative and my attorney said that I would no longer be considered a suspect!
I thank you, once again, for having such a great product. Well, gotta go. I have to write a letter to the Hefty bag people.
Signed,
A Relieved Menopausal Wife
305
« on: October 31, 2007, 04:28:14 PM »
8. What do you mean today's our anniversary?
7. Can we not talk to each other tonight? I'd rather just watch TV.
6. Ohhhhhh, this diamond is wayyyyyyyyy tooooooo big!
5. Can our relationship get a little more physical? I'm tired of being 'just friends'
4. Honey, does this outfit make my butt look too small?
3. Aww, don't stop for directions, I'm sure you'll be able to figure out how to get there.
2. I don't care if it's on sale, $300 is way to much for a designer dress.
1. Hey, pull my finger!
306
« on: October 31, 2007, 04:25:45 PM »
I finally found a woman like my mom. This woman:
Acts like her! Looks like her! Smells like her!
So i took her home my father doesn't like her!?!!
307
« on: October 31, 2007, 04:22:21 PM »
After 17 years of marriage, a man dumped his wife for a younger woman.
The downtown luxury apartment was in his name and he wanted to remain there with his new love.
He asked his wife to move out, with the understanding that he would buy her another place.
The wife agreed to this, but asked that she be given 3 days on her own there, to pack up her things.
The first day she lovingly put her personal belongings into boxes, crates, and suitcases.
The second day she had the movers come and collect her things.
The third day, she sat down for the last time at their candlelit dining room table, soft music playing in the background, and feasted on a pound of shrimp and a bottle of Chardonnay.
When she had finished, she went into each room, and deposited a few of the resulting shrimp shells into the hollow of the curtain rods.
She then cleaned the kitchen and left.
The husband came back with his new girl, and all was bliss for the first few days. Then it started, slowly but surely.
Clueless, the man could not explain why the place smelled so bad.
They tried everything; they cleaned, mopped, and aired the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, carpets were steam cleaned, air fresheners were hung everywhere.
Exterminators were brought in; the carpets were replaced, and on it went.
Finally,they couldn't take it any more, and decided to move.
The Moving Company arrived and did a very professional packing job, taking everything to their new home...
...including the curtain rods.
308
« on: October 31, 2007, 04:19:41 PM »
Why are there no female astronauts on the moon?
'Cause it doesn't need cleaning yet.
Why does the bride always wear white?
Because it's good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator.
Why do women fake orgasms?
Because they think men care.
If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
Made her chain too long.
How do you annoy your girlfriend during sex?
Phone her.
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it in.
How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
They're both fun to ride until your friends find out.
What are the three fastest means of communication?
1) Internet 2) Telephone 3) Tell a woman
What's the difference between your wife and your job?
After 10 years the job still sucks.
What should you give a woman who has everything?
A man to show her how to work it.
309
« on: October 31, 2007, 01:28:07 AM »
I dreamt last night that I went to Heaven, and I met St. Peter at the Pearly
Gates. I asked him that since I arrived in Heaven if I could take a look around
the place. St. Peter agreed, and even came along with me to show me around. We
went a ways, until we met President Clinton, tied to one of the most ugliest
beast you could ever, ever imagine. It was nearly human, probably about 95
years old, 5 inch thick glasses, grease just dripping off its body, muttering
every now and then like a sick crow. We asked Willie why he was chained to this
awful creature.
Willie replied: "Well, when I used to live on Earth, I committed a number of
sins, and now I'm chained to this realy ugly old thing as penance."
We wished President Clinton the best of luck, and moved on. A while later we
met with none other than Elvis Presley, the King of Rock, and he was tied to
another of the most ugliest creatures you could imagine, even worse than the
first one. We asked Mr. Presley why he was chained to such an ugly thing.
The King replies: "Well, when I used to live on Earth, I committed a number
of sins, and now I have to live with this ugly old monster for a while as
penance."
We wished the King the best of luck, and moved on.
After a while we met up with Billy Gates, president of Microsoft. Billy Gates
just so happened to be chained to one of the most gorgeous, luscious, and
sexiest woman you could ever imagine, long blonde hair, blue eyes, long limbs,
and a beautiful figure. So, we asked him why they were chained to each other
like that.
The woman answered first: "When I used to live on Earth, I committed a
number of sins..."
310
« on: October 31, 2007, 01:24:32 AM »
Last year, I upgraded my GirlFriend 5.0 to GirlFriend 5.1, which installs
itself as 'Fiancee 1.0'. Recently, I upgraded Fiancee 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and it's a
real memory hog. It has taken up all my space, and Wife 1.0 must be running
before I can do ANYTHING. It is also spawning Child Processes which are further
consuming system resources. Some applications, such as PokerNight 10.3, BeerBash
2.5, and PubNight 7.0 are no longer able to run in the system at all. Additional
plug-ins were automatically installed, such as Mother-In-Law 55.8, and there is
no uninstall feature for these plug-ins. No mention of these behaviors was
discussed in the brochures or documentation, although other users have reported
similar problems. Because of this, some users that I know have decided to avoid
the headaches associated with these upgrades, and simply move from Girlfriend
5.0 to Girlfriend 6.0. Unfortunately, this is not without peril as well, as all
traces of Girlfriend 5.0 must be removed from the system before attempting
installation of 6.0. Even then, Girlfriend 6.0 will repeatedly run system checks
(usually in the background, and often late at night when the system is asleep)
to find evidence of previous versions. To cap it off, Girlfriend 6.0 apparently
has a nag feature reminding about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0.
However, I do like some of the features that you are planning to include in the
upcoming Girlfriend 6.1 release:
* A 'Don't remind me again' button
* Minimize button
* Shutdown feature
* An install shield feature so that Girlfriend can be completely uninstalled
if necessary (so you don't lose cache and other objects) .
Unfortunately, since I've already upgraded to Wife 1.0, I don't think I will
be able to take advantage of any of these new features, unless you decide to
include them in the next Mistress release. But, of course, there is a whole raft
of problems associated with the use of Mistress 1.0 and Wife 1.0 on the same
system -- most notably are system conflicts and continual disk thrashing, which
starts shortly after Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 1.0. Interestingly enough, all
versions of PersonalLawyer still work fine. Finally, Wife 1.0 apparently deletes
all MSMoney files before uninstalling itself; following that, Mistress 1.1 will
refuse to install, claiming insufficient resources. I personally find all these
new tools and conflicts to be too confusing and time consuming. I'm sticking
with Dog 1.0k9. It slobbers and chews up the paper, but all in all these bugs
are tolerable. It is simple to operate and we get along fine.
311
« on: October 31, 2007, 01:21:27 AM »
As you are aware, ships have long been characterized as being female (e.g.,
"Steady as she goes", or "She's listing to starboard, Captain!"). Recently, a
group of computer scientists (all males) announced that computers should also be
referred to as being female. Their reasons for drawing this conclusion follow:
Five reasons to believe computers are female:
1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is
incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. The message "Bad command or file name" is about as informative as, "If
you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you".
4. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later
retrieval.
5. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending
half your paycheck on accessories for it.
However, another group of computer scientists (all female) think that
computers should be referred to as if they were male.
Their reasons follow:
Five reasons to believe computers are male:
1. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
2. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they
are the problem.
3. As soon as you commit to one you realize that, if you had waited a
little longer, you could have obtained a better model.
4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
5. Big power surges knock them out for the rest of the night.
312
« on: October 31, 2007, 01:14:24 AM »
TEACHER: In this box, I have a 10-foot snake.
SAMMY: You can't fool me,
Teacher... snakes don't have feet.
313
« on: October 31, 2007, 01:10:30 AM »
TEACHER: Well, at least there's one thing I can say about your son.
FATHER: What's that?
TEACHER: With grades like these, he couldn't be cheating.
314
« on: October 31, 2007, 01:07:44 AM »
SILVIA: Dad, can you write in the dark?
FATHER: I think so. What do you want me to write?
SYLVIA: Your name on this report card.
315
« on: October 31, 2007, 01:03:14 AM »
One day Little Johnny was on the school bus and he was sitting
right behind the bus driver and he was saying to himself, "If my
daddy was a lion and my mommy was a lion then I would be a baby
lion." He kept on talking to himself like this.
After 10 minutes of this, the bus driver had enough of it and
said, "What would happen if your daddy was a drunk and your
mommy was a whore?" Little Johnny replied, "Then I would be a
bus driver."
316
« on: October 31, 2007, 12:50:30 AM »
Tu sohni tera na sohni,
par tu sohni ban ke na dikha saki,
sohni ta kache ghadde te v tarr ke aa gi C
Te tu Three Wheeler te vi na aa saki!!!
317
« on: October 31, 2007, 12:43:55 AM »
TUSI bade hi gr8 ho,
RASGULLE ki pl8 ho,
PEPSI ka cr8 ho,
ANDE ka oml8 ho,
SMS KARANE ME bade le8 ho,
JALEBI ki tarah stra8 ho,
KHER jo bhi ho mere fevr8 ho...!
318
« on: October 31, 2007, 12:33:05 AM »
Dear SIR,BENTI HAI Ke AAJ KAL SCHOOL VICH DIL NAHI LAGDA, TE RAAT NU NeinD NAHI ANDI, KYOKe SCHOOL VICH KUrIYAN GHAT NE TE SADDI CLASS vitch ik VI NAHI HAI JO HAI OH SAB ENIYAN AJEEB NE K DEKHAN NU JI NI KARDA TE MADMAAN V KOI KHAAS PATAKA NAHI HAN. HOR NI TA KUCHH KAMAVALIYAN HI SOHNIYAN RAKH LAVO.AAP JI DA BAHUT DHANWADI HOWANGA
YOUR FAITHFULLY,
319
« on: October 31, 2007, 12:23:07 AM »
Ishq ishq ta har koi karde,
par koi Channa( A River) wich koodan nu tyaar nahi,
ki kahiye ajj-kal de jhuthe aashiqa nu,
Dil de sakde ne par jaan nahi!!!
320
« on: October 31, 2007, 12:18:19 AM »
Rabba dukh na devin yaar mere nu, saanu chahe dukhan da pahaar de de,
Phire nawe HERO JET cycle utte yaar mera, saanu bhaven purani Mercedes car de de.
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