T-MOBILE regrets 2 inform u that the network has gone down on everyone except u.We regret 2 inform u that no one would go down on u.not even a network

A man said 2 his doctor 'everytime I look in the mirror I get an erection' the doctor said 'That's because u look like a cunt

How to impress a woman: compliment her, kiss her, love her, tease her, protect her, listen to her, support her. How 2 impress a man: Show up naked, bring beer

A man walks into a friend and sees that his friend's car is
total loss and covered with leaves, grass, branches, dirt and
blood. He asks his friend, "What's happened to your car?"

"Well," the friend responses, "I ran into a lawyer."

"OK," says the man, "that explains the blood... But what about
the leaves, the grass, the branches and the dirt?"

"Well, I had to chase him all through the park."

A little girl takes the elevator on her way to school. The girl hasn't
finished her homework, as she is stuck with one of the questions. Next to
her in the elevator there is a housewife, an accoutant, and a lawyer.

"Excuse me", she says, speaking to no one in particular. "Could anyone
please tell me how much is 3 times 4?"

"Why, twelve of course, little girl", answers the housewife, somewhat
detachedly. She steps out at the next elevator stop muttering something
about laundry and cooking.

The girl seems no to be happy with the answer, so she looks at the
accoutant expectantly. He sighs, and tries to do some mental calculations.
"I'm not sure", he finally offers, "might be 11.99 or 12.50. I need to run
these numbers on my spreadsheet to make sure."

Of course she is not happy with this answer either, so she turns to look
at the lawyer. The lawyer smiles confidently at her, discretly signaling
her to wait. When the accoutant finally steps out of the elevator, the
lawyer kneels down to her and whispers, "how much do you want it to be?"

An old man was on his death bed. He wanted badly to take some of
his money with him. He called his priest, his doctor and his
lawyer to his bedside. "Here's $30,000 cash to be held by each
of you. I trust you to put this in my coffin when I die so I can
take all my money with me."

At the funeral, each man put an envelope in the coffin. Riding
away in a limousine, the priest suddenly broke into tears and
confessed, "I had only put $20,000 into the envelope because I
needed $10,000 for a new baptistery."

"Well, since we're confiding in each other," said the doctor, "I
only put $10,000 in the envelope because we needed a new machine
at the hospital which cost $20,000."

The lawyer was aghast. "I'm ashamed of both of you," he
exclaimed. "I want it known that when I put my envelope in that
coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000."

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense:

"My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few
trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can
punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb."

"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the
defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as
he chooses."

The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance he detached his
artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.

"You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence
for a man of your background," sneered the lawyer at a witness
on the stand.

"If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment," replied the
witness.

A defending attorney was cross examining a coroner.

The attorney asked, "Before you signed the death certificate had you taken
the man's pulse?"

The coroner said, "No."

The attorney then asked, "Did you listen for a heart beat?"

"No."

"Did you check for breathing?"

"No."

"So when you signed the death certificate you had not taken any steps to
make sure the man was dead, had you?"

The coroner, now tired of the brow beating said, "Well, let me put it this
way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk, but for all I know
he could be out there practicing law somewhere."

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle; I`m still a virgin.
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you`ve been married ten times?
"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he`d look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn`t get the system up.
Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn`t know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an Engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from Finance and Administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn`t sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychiatrist; all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynaecologist; all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was ... God, I miss him! But now that I`ve married you, I`m really excited!" "Good," said the husband, "but, why?"
"Duh; you`re a LAWYER. This time I KNOW I`m gonna get screwed!"