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Topics - ravi_sandhu
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161
« on: November 03, 2007, 09:01:23 AM »
A doctor and a lawyer were attending a cocktail party when the doctor was approached by a man who asked advice on how to handle his ulcer.
The doctor mumbled some medical advice, then turned to the lawyer and asked, "How do you handle the situation when you are asked for advice during a social function?"
"Just send an account for such advice" replied the lawyer.
On the next morning the doctor arrived at his surgery and issued the ulcer-stricken man a $50 account. That afternoon he received a $100 account from the lawyer.
162
« on: November 03, 2007, 08:58:44 AM »
A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on his tombstone, "Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer."
The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for passers by would tend to think that three men were buried under the stone. However he suggested an alternative: He would inscribe, "Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer."
That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it, they would be certain to remark: "That`s Strange".
163
« on: November 03, 2007, 08:56:27 AM »
A long New Orleans style funeral procession passes by, but instead of a jazz band, it?s lead by a man walking a lion. Behind the coffin walk at least 200 people.
A bystander asks the man, ?What?s going on??
?My lion ate my lawyer and this is his funeral,? is the reply.
?Could I borrow your lion?? asks the bystander. ?I?ve got a lawyer I?d like to have eaten.?
?Sorry, but you?ll have to get at the end of that line,? said the man, pointing to the 200 people following the coffin.
164
« on: November 03, 2007, 08:53:25 AM »
A man walking on the beach came across an odd-looking bottle. Not being one to ignore tradition, he rubbed it and, much to his surprise, a genie actually appeared.
"For releasing me from the bottle, I will grant you three wishes," said the genie.
"But there`s a catch," the genie continued. "For each of your wishes, every lawyer in the world will receive double what you asked for."
First, the man wished for a Ferrari. POOF! A Ferrari appeared in front of him. "Now, every lawyer in the world has been given two Ferraris," said the genie.
"What is your next wish?"
"I could really use a million dollars." replied the man, and POOF! One million dollars appeared at his feet.
"Now, every lawyer in the world is two million dollars richer," the genie reminded the man, and then asked him for his third wish.
The man thought for a minute and said, "Well, I?ve always wanted to donate a kidney."
165
« on: November 03, 2007, 08:51:06 AM »
A man walks into a bar, and orders a drink.
A few minutes later, he says to no one in particular, "All lawyers are assholes."
The fellow next to him lit into him. "How dare you just stereotypically categorize all lawyers as assholes? How have you missed that it's just not okay to cast aspersions on an entire group of people? You just try saying something like that about any other group of people and you'd get slugged. And you should! If you weren't such a jerk, I'd pour my drink all over you, but you're not worth the cost of my drink."
The fellow was properly abashed, and apologized. "Look, I'm really sorry, I didn't mean to offend you," he says, "By the way, what kind of lawyer are you?"
"Lawyer? I'm no lawyer, you idiot. I'm an asshole!"
166
« on: November 03, 2007, 08:48:45 AM »
Two doctors were discussing a case in a mental ward. The first doctor asked what had triggered such a profound depressive psychosis in the patient.
The second one answered, "He's a lawyer. One day at home, he started to think about how much money he'd screwed his partners and clients out of over the last few years. He laughed so hard he defecated in his pants. When he smelled the foul odour he had created, he checked for the source. Finding his trousers full of the stuff, he thought he was leaking. This caused him to go into shock and faint. When he woke up, he found he had fallen on his arm, breaking it."
The first doctor asked, "He went mad because he broke an arm?"
The second medic answered, "No, he went mad because he couldn't figure out how to sue himself!"
167
« on: November 03, 2007, 08:46:06 AM »
A small, uncertain, and nervous witness was being cross-examined.
The lawyer thundered, "Have you ever been married?"
"Yes, sir," said the witness in a low voice. "Once."
"Whom did you marry?" the lawyer demanded.
"Well, a woman," the witness answered timidly.
The lawyer said angrily, "Of course you married a woman. Did you ever hear of anyone marrying a man?"
And the witness said meekly, "My sister did."
168
« on: November 03, 2007, 08:43:50 AM »
An American attorney had just finished a guest lecture at a law school in Italy when an Italian lawyer approached him and asked, "Is it true that a person can fall down on a sidewalk in your country and then sue the landowners for lots of money?"
Told that it was true, the lawyer turned to his partner and started speaking rapidly in Italian.
When they stopped, the American attorney asked if they wanted to go to America to practice law.
"No, no," one replied. "We want to go to America and fall down on sidewalks."
169
« on: November 03, 2007, 08:41:13 AM »
A witness to an automobile accident was testifying. The following exchange took place between the lawyer and the witness:
The lawyer, "Did you actually see the accident?"
The witness, "Yes, sir."
The lawyer, "How far away were you when the accident happened?"
The witness, "Thirty-one feet, six and one quarter inches."
The lawyer (thinking he'd trap the witness), "Well, sir, will you tell the jury how you knew it was exactly that distance?"
The witness, "Because when the accident happened I took out a tape and measured it. I knew some stupid lawyer would ask me that question."
170
« on: November 03, 2007, 08:38:57 AM »
A guy was driving when a policeman pulled him over. He rolled down his window and said to the officer, "Is there a problem, Officer?"
"No problem at all. I just observed your safe driving and am pleased to award you a Safe Driver Award. Congratulations, what do you think you're going to do with the prize money?"
He thought for a minute and said, "Well, I guess I'll go get that drivers' license."
The lady sitting in the passenger seat said to the policeman, "Oh, don't pay attention to him, he's a smartass when he's drunk and stoned."
The guy from the back seat said, "I told you guys we wouldn't get far in a stolen car!"
At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a muffled voice said, "Are we over the border yet?"
171
« on: November 03, 2007, 08:36:22 AM »
A man accused of robbing a bank was tried for the final time and was found guilty.
Just before he was taken away, the man looked the judge in the eye and said, "Would it be okay if I called you a son of a bitch?"
The judge?s face went red and he roared, "It most certainly would not! I?d add another two years onto your sentence!"
The defendant nodded and then asked, "Would it be okay if I THOUGHT you were a son of a bitch?"
The judge was becoming very annoyed but replied, "Yes, I suppose that would be okay. I obviously have no control over your thoughts."
The defendant smiled and said, "Well, in that case, judge, I think you are a son of a bitch!"
172
« on: November 03, 2007, 08:33:31 AM »
A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong the saying, "You can`t take it with you."
After much thought and consideration, he finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died. He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillowcases. He then directed her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed.
His plan: When he passed away, he would reach out and grab the bags on his way to Heaven.
Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased lawyer`s wife, up in the attic cleaning came upon the two forgotten pillowcases stuffed with cash.
"Oh, that old fool," she exclaimed. "I knew he should have had me put the money in the basement."
173
« on: November 03, 2007, 08:29:04 AM »
A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore the door off of the driver's side. The counselor immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up.
Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it.
When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief.
"I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."
"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.
The cop replied, "Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."
"Ahhh!" screamed the lawyer. "Where's my Rolex!"
174
« on: November 03, 2007, 08:26:24 AM »
A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble.
In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down. Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and bailed out.
Unfortunately, there were only three parachutes remaining.
The doctor grabbed one and said "I'm a doctor, I save lives, so I must live," and jumped out. The lawyer then said, "I'm a lawyer and lawyers are the smartest people in the world. I deserve to live."
He also grabbed a parachute and jumped.
The priest looked at the little boy and said, "My son, I've lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace."
The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said, "Not to worry, Father. The 'smartest man in the world' just took off with my back pack."
175
« on: November 03, 2007, 08:24:04 AM »
A lawyer was reading out the will of a rich man to the people mentioned in the will:
"To you, my loving wife Rachel, who stood by me in rough times, as well as good, I leave her the house and $5 million."
The lawyer continued, "To my daughter Christy, who looked after me in sickness and kept the business going, I leave her the yacht, the business and $2 million."
The lawyer concluded, "And, to my cousin Matt, who hated me, argued with me, and thought that I would never mention him in my will ? well, you are wrong. Hi, Matt."
176
« on: November 03, 2007, 08:19:57 AM »
One day a man was digging a hole to plant a tree in his back yard. After digging about 2 feet he hit a lamp, so he picked it up and brushed it off. Suddenly out popped a Genie who said he would grant him three wishes.
"Great!" the man explained.
"However," said the genie, "I must know who you hate the most."
"I hate that lawyer down the street the most." the man said.
"Well," said the genie, "whatever you wish for, the lawyer gets double that."
Eager to get his wishing started, the man exclaimed, "I wish I had a billion dollars!"
Poof! there was a million dollars next to him.
"Now remember the lawyer has 2 million dollars," said the genie.
Once again the man blurted out a wish impatiently. "I wish I had a Lemo and a driver!"
Poof! Suddenly there was a Lemo and a driver in his driveway.
"Remember, the lawyer has 2 Lemo's and 2 drivers." the genie said. "This is your final wish, make it a good one."
After a long period of thought, the man grabbed his shovel and handed it to the genie. Then he exclaimed, "I wish you would beat me HALF to DEATH.
177
« on: November 03, 2007, 08:14:58 AM »
A guy wanders into the local post office and sees a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with lots of little hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying the scent all over them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he approaches the balding man and asks him what he's doing. The man says, "Oh, I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why?" asks the man.
"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.
178
« on: November 03, 2007, 08:12:39 AM »
A small, uncertain, and nervous witness was being cross-examined.
The lawyer thundered, "Have you ever been married?"
"Yes, sir," said the witness in a low voice. "Once."
"Whom did you marry?" the lawyer demanded.
"Well, a woman," the witness answered timidly.
The lawyer said angrily, "Of course you married a woman. Did you ever hear of anyone marrying a man?"
And the witness said meekly, "My sister did."
179
« on: November 03, 2007, 08:10:04 AM »
One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the roadside. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
"Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man.
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.
"Oh, well please come along with me then."
"But sir, I have a wife with two children!"
"Bring them along! And you, come with us too!", he said to the other man.
"But sir, I have a wife with six children!" the second man answered.
"Bring them as well! The more the merrier!"
They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, "Sir, you are every so kind. Thank you so much for taking us all with you."
The lawyer smiles and replies: "No problem, the grass at my home is about two feet tall..."
180
« on: November 03, 2007, 08:07:43 AM »
A judge was instructing the jury that because a witness changed his statement after giving it to the police, he should not necessarily be regarded as untruthful.
"For example," the Judge said, "when I entered my chambers today, I was certain that I had my gold watch in my pocket. Then I remembered that I had left it on my nightstand in my bedroom."
When the Judge arrived home that evening, his wife asked, "Why so much urgency for your watch? Don't you think sending three men to pick it up for you was a bit extreme?"
"What?" exclaimed the Judge. "I didn't send anyone for my watch, let alone three people. What did you do?"
"I gave it to the first one," replied his wife, "he knew exactly where
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