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Topics - ravi_sandhu
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141
« on: November 03, 2007, 12:02:50 PM »
On summer vacation, Jaime and her son, Andy, went to visit Jaime's Uncle George who owned a nice farm. While there, Uncle George was helping one of his cows give birth, when he noticed his four-year-old Great Nephew, Andy, standing at the fence, wide-eyed and soaking in the whole event.
Uncle George thought to himself: "Great, now I'm gonna have to explain the 'birds and bees' to him. Well, no need to jump the gun. I'll just wait and see if he has any questions, and I'll just answer them as best I can."
After he finished helping the cow with her birthing, he walked over to Andy and asked him, "Do you have any questions about what you seen here tonight?"
"Just one," the little boy whispered, eyes still wide with wonder. "How fast was that calf going when he hit the cow?"
142
« on: November 03, 2007, 11:59:02 AM »
Joe and his three golf buddies were out playing and were just starting on the back nine when Joe paused, looked down the fairway and began to sob uncontrollably. The other three gathered around him and asked, "Whats wrong?"
Joe looked down at his feet, sniffed and dried his eyes some, then apologized for his emotional outburst. "I'm sorry, I always get emotional at this hole - it holds very difficult memories for me."
One of his buddies asked, "What happened? What could have gotten you so upset?"
Joe stared silently off in the distance, then said in a low voice, "This is where my wife and I were playing 12 years ago when she suddenly died of a heart attack; right at this very hole."
"Oh my God," the other golfers said, "That must have been horrible!"
"Horrible? You think it's horrible?" Joe cried in disbelief. "It was worse than that! Every hole for the rest of the day, all the way back to the clubhouse it was 'hit the ball, drag Alice, hit the ball, drag Alice...'"
143
« on: November 03, 2007, 11:55:46 AM »
Posh Spice and David Beckham are sitting in front of the TV watching the Six O'clock news. The headline feature is a man who is threatening to jump off a Suspension Bridge onto the busy road
below.
Posh turns to Beckham and says "Dave, I bet you ?10000 that he jumps." He replies "?10000! Done." The pair shake on it and continue watching the commotion on the tv . Sure enough , the man jumps and hits the road below with a loud thud.
Beckham takes 10 grand out of his pocket and gives it to Posh. "I can't take that from you Dave" she says. I was cheating. I saw the Five O'clock News earlier so I Knew what was going to happen. I can't accept that money ."
Beckham replies "No Babe. The money is yours fair and square. I was cheating too. I just didn't think he would do it again."
144
« on: November 03, 2007, 11:53:19 AM »
Three guys are golfing with the club pro. The first guy tees off and hits a dribbler about 60 yards. He turns to the pro and asks, "What did I do wrong?"
The pro says, "Loft."
The next guy tees off and hits a duck hook into the woods.
He asks the pro, "What did I do wrong?"
The pro says, "Loft."
The third guy tees off and hits a slice into the pond.
He asks the pro, "What did I do wrong?"
The pro again said, "Loft."
As they are walking to their balls, the first guy finally speaks up and asks the pro, "The three of us hit completely different tee shots and when we asked you what we did wrong you gave the same answer each time.
"What is loft?"
The pro said, "Lack of fu**ing talent."
145
« on: November 03, 2007, 11:50:51 AM »
There were two old guys, Abe and Sol, sitting on a bench in a park feeding pigeons and talking about baseball.
Just like they did every day. Abe turned to Sol and asked, "Do you think there's baseball in heaven?"
Soloman thought about it for a minute and replied, "I dunno, Abe, but let's make a deal:
If I die first, I will come back and tell you -- and if you die first, you come back and tell me --if there is baseball in heaven."
They shook on it. Sadly, a few months later poor Abe passed on.
One day soon afterward, Sol was sitting there feeding the pigeons by himself when he heard a voice whisper, "Sol... Sol...."
Sol responded, "Abe! Is that you?"
"Yes it is Sol," whispered the spirit of Abe.
Sol, still amazed, asked, "So, is there baseball in heaven?"
"Well," Abe said, "I got good news and I got bad news."
"Gimme the good news first," said Sol.
Abe said, "Well... there is baseball in heaven."
Sol said, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that!?"
Abe sighed and whispered, "You're pitching on Friday."
146
« on: November 03, 2007, 11:48:10 AM »
Senile Golfer
Phil loved golf, but his eye sight had gotten so bad, that he couldn't find his ball once he'd hit it.
He consulted with his wife, and she recommended that Phil bring along her uncle John.
Phil said, "But John is 80 years old and half senile!"
His wife replied, "Yes, but his eyesight is incredible."
Phil finally agreed and took John along. He teed off and could feel that he had hit it solidly.
He asked Ted, "Do you see it?"
John nodded his head and said, "Boy, that was a beautiful shot!"
Phil excitedly asked, "Well, where did it land?!"
John said, "Hmmm. I forgot."
147
« on: November 03, 2007, 11:45:15 AM »
Joey decided to take a week off from the pressures of the office and went skiing. Alas, no sooner did he reach the slopes than he heard an ominous rumbling: moments later a sheet of snow came crashing toward him.
Fortunately, Joey was able to jump into a cave just before the avalanche hit. Just as fortunately, he had matches with him and was able to light a fire.
Hours later, when everyone but Joey had returned, a rescue team was sent to search for him. After several hours they saw smoke curling from the cave and went to investigate.
Poking his head into the entrance, one of the rescuers yelled, "Mr. Joey, are you there? It's the Red Cross."
Bristling, the harried Joey called back, "Get lost. I gave at the office!"
148
« on: November 03, 2007, 11:37:27 AM »
How was your golf game, dear?" asked Jack`s wife Tracy.
"Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight`s gotten so bad I couldn`t see where the ball went."
"But you`re seventy-five years old, Jack!" admonished his wife, "Why don`t you take my brother Scott along?"
"But he`s eighty-five and doesn`t even play golf anymore," protested Jack.
"But he`s got perfect eyesight. He could watch your ball," Tracy pointed out.
The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on.
Jack swung, and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway. "Do you see it?" asked Jack.
"Yup," Scott answered.
"Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the distance.
"I forgot."
149
« on: November 03, 2007, 11:32:24 AM »
A man staggers into casualty with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped around his throat.
Naturally the doctor asks him what happened. "Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows.
"We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.
"I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball -- stuck right in the middle of the ... well that's when I made my mistake."
"What did you do?" asks the doctor.
"Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!'"
150
« on: November 03, 2007, 11:29:59 AM »
A Kindergarten teacher tells her class she's a BIG Lakers fan.
She's really excited about it and asks the kids if they're Lakers fans too.
Everyone wants to impress the teacher and says they're Lakers fans too, except ONE kid, ...named Josh.
The teacher looks at Josh and says, "Josh, you're not a Lakers fan?"
He says, "Nope, Im a Sacrmento Kings fan!" She says, "Well why are you a Sacrmento Kings fan and not a Lakers fan?"
Josh says, "Well, my mom is a Sacrmento Kings fan, and my dad is a Sacrmento Kings fan, so I'm a Sacrmento Kings fan."
The teacher's not real happy. She's a little hot under the collar. She says, "Well, if your moms an idiot, and your dads a moron, then what would you be?!"
Josh says, "Then I'd be a Laker fan!"
151
« on: November 03, 2007, 11:27:30 AM »
Three women were sitting around and bragging about their children.
The first one says, "You know, my son, he graduated first in his class from Stanford. He's now a doctor, making $250,000 a year in Chicago."
The second woman says, "You know my son, he graduated first in his class from Harvard. he's now a lawyer, making half a million dollars a year and he lives in Los Angeles."
The last woman says, "You know my son, he never did too well in school. He never went to any university but he now makes one million dollars a year in New York working as a sports repairman."
The other two women ask, "What is a sports repairman?"
The woman then replies, "He fixes games... you know, hockey games, football games, baseball games, cricket games...."
152
« on: November 03, 2007, 11:24:07 AM »
The health minister is visiting a psychiatric ward. He asks the head of psychology, "How do you determine if a patient is cured."
The psychologist explains:
"We take them to the bathtub, which is filled with water, hand them a spoon and a cup and ask them to empty the bathtub."
"I see," says the health minister, "the cured person would choose the cup because it`s bigger, and would empty the tub faster."
"Actually no," replies the psychologist, "a normal person would simply pull the plug."
153
« on: November 03, 2007, 11:21:25 AM »
An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?"
"There's something wrong with my dick," he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that."
"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you, he said."
The receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private."
The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered. The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"
"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.
The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.
"And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"
"I can't piss out of it, the man replied."
The doctor's office erupted in laughter
154
« on: November 03, 2007, 09:25:05 AM »
A lady had just finished doing her CPR course and was on the lookout for a chance to try it out. As she left the shopping center she saw a man lying on the floor with a lot of people around him.
Screaming "I know first aid"
she ran to the person, threw her bag down, loosened all tight clothing a got ready to start mouth-to-mouth.
At this stage a huge policeman tapped her on the shoulder and asked "Do you realize that I am trying to arrest this guy."
155
« on: November 03, 2007, 09:16:06 AM »
A rookie police officer was assigned to ride in a cruiser with an experienced partner. A call came over the car`s radio telling them to disperse some people who were loitering. The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner. The rookie rolled down his window and said, Let`s get off the corner.
No one moved, so he barked again, "Let`s get off the corner!"
Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled glances in his direction.
Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked, "Well, how did I do?"
"Pretty good," replied the veteran, "especially since this is a bus stop."
156
« on: November 03, 2007, 09:13:55 AM »
A man in an automobile, who was stopped by a policeman for speeding, became very angry and called the traffic cop an ass.
After he had paid his fine, the judge reproved him, for what he had said to the officer.
"Then I mustn`t call a policeman an ass?" he said.
"Certainly not," said the judge. "You must not insult the police."
"But you wouldn`t mind if I called an ass a policeman, would you?"
"Why, no, if it gives you satisfaction," answered his honor with a slight smile.
The motorist turned to the man who had arrested him, and said: "Good-day, policeman."
157
« on: November 03, 2007, 09:11:05 AM »
A witness to an automobile accident was testifying. The following exchange took place between the lawyer and the witness:
The lawyer: "Did you actually see the accident?"
The witness: "Yes, sir."
The lawyer: "How far away were you when the accident happened?"
The witness: "Thirty-one feet, six and one quarter inches." The lawyer (thinking he`d trap the witness): "Well, sir, will you tell the jury how you knew it was exactly that distance?"
The witness: "Because when the accident happened I took out a tape and measured it. I knew some stupid lawyer would ask me that question."
158
« on: November 03, 2007, 09:08:52 AM »
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it`s a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you`re a man; that`s interesting. I`m a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There`s nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."
Flattered, the man replied, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely! This must be a sign from God!"
The woman continued, "And look at this, here`s another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn`t break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."
Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, "Aren`t you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. I think I`ll just wait for the police."
159
« on: November 03, 2007, 09:06:24 AM »
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them.
He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing.
The man says "I`m sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, `Guess who?`"
"But why?" asks the man.
"I`m a divorce lawyer," the man replies.
160
« on: November 03, 2007, 09:03:49 AM »
A guy phones a law office and says: "I want to speak to my lawyer."
The receptionist replies, "I`m sorry but he died last week."
The next day he phones again and asks the same question.
The receptionist replies, "I told you yesterday, he died last week."
The next day the guy calls again and asks to speak to his lawyer.
By this time the receptionist is getting a little annoyed and says, "I keep telling you that your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep calling?"
The guy says, "Because I just love hearing it."
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