This section allows you to view all posts made by this member. Note that you can only see posts made in areas you currently have access to.
Topics - ravi_sandhu
Pages: 1 2 3 4 5 6 [7] 8 9 10 11 12 ... 20
121
« on: November 03, 2007, 04:30:38 PM »
Four expectant fathers were in a Minneapolis hospital waiting room, while their wives were in labour.
The nurse tells the first man, "Congratulations! You're the father of twins!"
"What a coincidence! I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team!"
The nurse returns and tells the second man, "You are the father of triplets!"
"Wow, what a coincidence! I work for 3M Corporation!"
When the nurse tells the third man that his wife has given birth to quadruplets.
"Another coincidence! I work for Four Seasons Hotel!"
At this point, the fourth guy faints. When he comes to, the others ask what's wrong.
"What's wrong?! I work for Seven-Up!"
122
« on: November 03, 2007, 04:28:18 PM »
Two children are in a doctor's waiting room, and one of them is crying.
"Why are you crying?" asked the other child.
"I'm here for a blood test, and they're going to cut my finger."
When he heard this, the other child started to cry.
"Why are you crying?"
"I'm here for a urine test."
123
« on: November 03, 2007, 04:25:48 PM »
3 elderly men are at the doctor's office for a memory test.
The doctor asks the first man, "What is three times three?"
"274," came the reply.
The doctor rolls his eyes and looks up at the ceiling, and says to the second man, "It's your turn. What is three times three?"
"Tuesday," replies the second man. The doctor shakes his head sadly, then asks the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's three times three?"
"Nine," says the third man.
"That's great!" says the doctor.
"How did you get that?"
"Simple," he says, "just subtract 274 from Tuesday."
124
« on: November 03, 2007, 04:20:33 PM »
Doctor Larsson was doing his normal morning rounds of the Psychology ward when he entered a patient's room to find his patient sitting on the floor, sawing at a piece of wood with the side of his hand.
Meanwhile, another patient was in the room, hanging from the ceiling by his feet.
The doctor asked his patient what he was doing, sitting on the floor. The patient replied in an irritated fashion, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?"
The doctor inquired, "And what is the fellow hanging from the ceiling doing?"
"Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a lightbulb."
The doctor asks, "If he's your friend, don't you think you should get him down from there before he hurts himself?"
"What? And work in the dark!?"
125
« on: November 03, 2007, 04:17:48 PM »
One morning, Kevin wakes up to find his dog dead, lying next to his bed.
He can't quite believe it, so decides to take him to the vet.
The Vet takes one look at the dog and says: "Kevin, I'm truly sorry, but your dog is dead..."
"Nooo. He can't be dead. I demand a second opinion!" replies Kevin.
The doctor nods and agrees. He goes into the back room and brings out a cat. The cat jumps all over the dog, bites it, looks at the vet and says: "Meoowwww"
The vet again says, "I'm sorry but your dog is truly dead."
Kevin says, "No!, I don't believe it, I want another opinion."
The vet nods and brings out a Labrador Retriever, which then begins to jump all over the dead dog, tugging at it before barking: "Woof roof woof"
The vet says, "Sir, your dog is dead. That will be 400 dollars."
"$400 to tell me my dog is dead?" asks Kevin.
"Well," the vet replies, "I charge 50 dollars, the cat scan is 200 and the lab test is 150 dollars..."
126
« on: November 03, 2007, 04:15:13 PM »
Six surgeons were sitting at a conference discussing their favourite patients when the first stated that he especially enjoyed operating on poets and artists because...
"When I cut them open, they are filled with beautiful colours and the operating room is bathed in their light."
"No No!" said the second surgeon, "I prefer operating on accountants. Inside them, everything is neat and orderly and all the parts are numbered."
"Nah," said the third surgeon, "librarians are by far the best.
Everything inside them is ordered alphabetically."
The fourth responds: "Fellas, you should try electricians! Everything inside them is colour coded!"
The fifth intercedes: "Personally, I prefer engineers. They always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end."
"You're all wrong," said the sixth surgeon, "The best are lawyers. No guts, no spine, no heart...in fact, they only have two parts - their mouths and their rears, and both of those are interchangeable!"
127
« on: November 03, 2007, 04:11:43 PM »
A new miracle doctor was in town. He could cure anything and anybody, and everyone was amazed with what he can do except for Bhola, the town's grouch.
So Bhola went to this 'Miracle Doctor' to prove that he wasn't so miraculous.
He goes and tells the doctor, "Hey, doc, I have lost my sense of taste. I can't taste nothing, so what are you going to do?"
The doctor scratches his head and mumbles to himself a little, then tell Bhola, "What you need is jar number 43."
"Jar number 43?", Bhola wonders.
So the doctor leaves and after five minutes brings a jar and tells Bhola to taste it.
He tastes it and immediately spits it out, "This is Shit!" he yells.
"I just restored your sense of taste Bhola," says the doctor.
So Bhola goes home very mad.
One month later, Bhola goes back to the doctor along with a new problem, "Doc," he starts, "I can't remember!"
Thinking he got the doctor, the doctor scratches his head and mumbles to himself a little. Then tells Bhola, "What you need is jar number 43..."
Before the doctor finished his sentence, Bhola fled the office.
128
« on: November 03, 2007, 04:09:16 PM »
A man walks into his doctor's office and sits down in the waiting room. While he is waiting his turn to be seen, a casual acquaintance walks in and sits down next to him.
The newcomer asks, "W w what are yyy you ddd doing here?"
The man replies, "I am waiting to see the doctor."
"W wwhy dd do yyy you wwant to sss see hhim?"
The man replies, "Well, if you must know, I have a prostate problem.
"A pp prostate ppp problem, wwhat's ttthat?"
"Well, if you must know. I pee like you talk."
129
« on: November 03, 2007, 04:06:38 PM »
An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?"
"There's something wrong with my dick," he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that."
"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you, he said."
The receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private."
The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered. The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"
"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.
The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.
"And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"
"I can't piss out of it, the man replied."
The doctor's office erupted in laughter
130
« on: November 03, 2007, 04:04:03 PM »
A woman went to the local psychic in hopes of contacting her dearly departed grandmother.
The psychic's eyelids begin fluttering and she begins moaning. Eventually, a voice comes, saying, "Granddaughter? Are you there?"
The granddaughter, wide-eyed responds, "Grandma? Is that you?"
"Yes granddaughter, it's me."
"It's really you, Grandma?" the woman repeats.
"Yes, it's really me, granddaughter."
The woman pauses a moment, "Grandma, I have just one question for you."
"Anything, my child."
"When did you learn to speak English?"
131
« on: November 03, 2007, 04:01:19 PM »
A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix.
The doctors operated and advised him that all was well. However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs on his chest.
Worried that it might be a second surgery the doctors hadn't told him about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown down enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.
Taped very firmly across his hairy chest were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily. Written in large black letters was the sentence.
"Get well quick..... from the nurse you gave a ticket to last week."
132
« on: November 03, 2007, 03:58:56 PM »
A well-respected surgeon was relaxing on his sofa one evening just after arriving home from work. As he was tuning into the evening news, the phone rang. The doctor calmly answered it, and heard the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line.
"We need a fourth for poker," said the friend.
"I'll be right over," whispered the doctor.
As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, "Is it serious?"
"Oh yes, quite serious," said the doctor gravely. "In fact, three doctors are there already!"
133
« on: November 03, 2007, 03:56:29 PM »
Bleeding Man
Perhaps you've heard of the man who thought he was dead, when in reality he was very much alive. His delusion became such a problem that his family finally paid for him to see a psychiatrist.
The psychiatrist spent many laborious sessions trying to convince the man he was still alive. Nothing seemed to work. Finally, the doctor tried one last approach. He took out his medical book and proceeded to show the patient that dead men don't bleed.
After hours of tedious study, the patient seemed convinced that dead men don?t bleed.
"Do you now agree that dead men don't bleed?" the doctor asked.
"Yes, I do," the patient replied. "Very well, then," the doctor said.
He took out a pin and pricked the patient's finger. Out came a trickle of blood.
The doctor asked, "What does that tell you?"
"Oh my goodness!" the patient exclaimed as he stared incredulously at his finger....... "Dead men do bleed!!"
134
« on: November 03, 2007, 03:53:15 PM »
Doctor Larsson was doing his normal morning rounds of the Psychology ward when he entered a patient's room to find his patient sitting on the floor, sawing at a piece of wood with the side of his hand.
Meanwhile, another patient was in the room, hanging from the ceiling by his feet.
The doctor asked his patient what he was doing, sitting on the floor. The patient replied in an irritated fashion, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?"
The doctor inquired, "And what is the fellow hanging from the ceiling doing?"
"Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a lightbulb."
The doctor asks, "If he's your friend, don't you think you should get him down from there before he hurts himself?"
"What? And work in the dark!?"
135
« on: November 03, 2007, 03:50:24 PM »
There was this Indian chief who was straining to blow a fart but it wouldn't come out.
So he sent his little messenger boy to the doctor and he says, "Big chief, no fart."
The doctor gives him a can of beans and tells him to come back tomorrow to tell him what happened.
The messenger boy comes back the next day and says, "Big chief, no fart."
The doctor gives him 10 cans of beans this time.
The messenger boy comes back the next day and says, "Big chief, no fart."
The doctor gives him 100 cans of beans.
The messenger boy comes back the next day and says, "Big chief, no fart."
The doctor gives him 1,000 cans of beans and says, "If this doesn't work then nothing will."
The messenger boy comes back the next day and looks at the doctor.
The doctor anxiously asked, "Well, did it work?"
The messenger boy says, "Big fart, no chief!"
136
« on: November 03, 2007, 03:47:55 PM »
Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart.
One of the students said to his friend, "I'm sure he has Petry Syndrome - those people walk just like that,"
The other student says, "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome, he walks just like we learned in class."
Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached the old man and one of the students said to him, "We're medical students and couldn't ignore the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"
The old man said, "I'll tell you but first you'll tell me what you think?"
Then one of the students said, "I think it's Petry Syndrome."
And the old man said, "You thought, but you're wrong."
Then the other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."
And the old man said, "You thought, but you're wrong."
So they asked him, "So what do you have?"
And the old man said, "I thought I needed to fart. I thought, but I was wrong."
137
« on: November 03, 2007, 03:45:30 PM »
A woman went to the local psychic in hopes of contacting her dearly departed grandmother.
The psychic's eyelids begin fluttering and she begins moaning. Eventually, a voice comes, saying, "Granddaughter? Are you there?"
The granddaughter, wide-eyed responds, "Grandma? Is that you?"
"Yes granddaughter, it's me."
"It's really you, Grandma?" the woman repeats.
"Yes, it's really me, granddaughter."
The woman pauses a moment, "Grandma, I have just one question for you."
"Anything, my child."
"When did you learn to speak English?"
138
« on: November 03, 2007, 03:42:55 PM »
When you're hospitalized, it pays to be nice to your nurse, even when you're feeling miserable. A bossy businessman learned this the hard way after ordering his nurses around as if they were his employees. But the head nurse stood up to him. One morning she entered his room and announced, "Sir, I must take your temperature."
After several minutes of complaints he finally settled down, crossed his arms, and opened his mouth.
"No, I'm sorry," the nurse stated," but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer." This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over. After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay just like that until I get back!" She left the door to his room open on her way out, and he cursed under his breath as he heard people walking past his door laughing. After almost an hour, the man's doctor came into the room.
"What's going on here?" asked the doctor. Angrily, the man answers, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?"
"Yes," said the doctor. "But never with a carnation."
139
« on: November 03, 2007, 03:24:58 PM »
A new miracle doctor was in town. He could cure anything and anybody, and everyone was amazed with what he can do except for Bhola, the town's grouch.
So Bhola went to this 'Miracle Doctor' to prove that he wasn't so miraculous.
He goes and tells the doctor, "Hey, doc, I have lost my sense of taste. I can't taste nothing, so what are you going to do?"
The doctor scratches his head and mumbles to himself a little, then tell Bhola, "What you need is jar number 43."
"Jar number 43?", Bhola wonders.
So the doctor leaves and after five minutes brings a jar and tells Bhola to taste it.
He tastes it and immediately spits it out, "This is Shit!" he yells.
"I just restored your sense of taste Bhola," says the doctor.
So Bhola goes home very mad.
One month later, Bhola goes back to the doctor along with a new problem, "Doc," he starts, "I can't remember!"
Thinking he got the doctor, the doctor scratches his head and mumbles to himself a little. Then tells Bhola, "What you need is jar number 43..."
Before the doctor finished his sentence, Bhola fled the office.
140
« on: November 03, 2007, 12:05:16 PM »
Senile Golfer
Phil loved golf, but his eye sight had gotten so bad, that he couldn't find his ball once he'd hit it.
He consulted with his wife, and she recommended that Phil bring along her uncle John.
Phil said, "But John is 80 years old and half senile!"
His wife replied, "Yes, but his eyesight is incredible."
Phil finally agreed and took John along. He teed off and could feel that he had hit it solidly.
He asked Ted, "Do you see it?"
John nodded his head and said, "Boy, that was a beautiful shot!"
Phil excitedly asked, "Well, where did it land?!"
John said, "Hmmm. I forgot."
Pages: 1 2 3 4 5 6 [7] 8 9 10 11 12 ... 20
|
Show Posts