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Topics - JATT KHADKU KHADA!
21
« on: July 02, 2011, 10:29:54 PM »
There was once a man from the city who was visiting a small farm, and during this visit he saw a farmer feeding pigs in a most extraordinary manner. The farmer would lift a pig up to a nearby apple tree, and the pig would eat the apples off the tree directly. The farmer would move the pig from one apple to another until the pig was satisfied, then he would start again with another pig. The city man watched this activity for some time with great astonishment. Finally, he could not resist saying to the farmer: "This is the most inefficient method of feeding pigs that I can imagine. Just think of the time that would be saved if you simply shook the apples off the tree and let the pigs eat them from the ground!" The farmer looked puzzled and replied: "What's time to a pig?" :D: :D:
22
« on: July 02, 2011, 10:23:38 PM »
A man spent a weekend gambling in Las Vegas casinos, and he won $100,000. He didn't want anyone to know about it, so when he came back home, he immediately went out to the backyard of his house, dug a hole and planted the money in it. The next morning he walked outside and found only an empty hole. He noticed footsteps leading from the hole to the house next door, which was owned by a deaf-mute. On the same street lived a professor who understood sign language and was a friend of the deaf man. Grabbing his pistol, the enraged man went to awaken the professor and dragged him to the deaf man's house. He screamed at the professor, "You tell this guy that if he doesn't give me back my money I'll kill him!" The professor conveyed the message to his friend, and his friend replied in sign language, "I hid it in my backyard, underneath the cherry tree." The professor turned to the man with the gun and said, "He's not going to tell you. He said he'd rather die first." :D:
23
« on: May 21, 2011, 07:29:03 PM »
We all know having a boyfriend/girlfriend is great, and we know it’s beautiful and kind.
But, do we really need a killer friend to have a killer mood?
Well, let’s chat about winning ways to celebrate our solo days:
1. Some like it hot. When you’re on your own you’re the master of the tank and the chances of a random flush scalding your skin is pretty slim. You’re less likely to run out of hot water so just twist that dial and soak into the zone.
2. One set of parents. Sure, you lose out on some inlaw naps but you could gain back holiday budgets, extra bedrooms, and Saturday evenings. Note to any inlaws reading this: This is about other inlaws, not you.
3. Take back the night. When you’re bumping around by yourself there’s no need to worry about making too much noise early or late. Tiptoes, quiet TV watching, and softly shutting doors take a backseat to cranking tunes & late-night phone calls.
4. Don’t be an ass. Single folks have no obligation to do joint Halloween costumes like Beauty and the Beast or the classic two-person donkey. Because don’t we all feel a little bit sorry for that couple dressed as Salt and Pepper shakers leaving the party at 10pm?
5. Flirt like you mean it. Chitchatting with sparkly objects of your desire is good fun. When you’re single, ditch the guilt and holler at the busty waitress or chiselled cop. Not only is it exciting, but you’re growing your social skills and constantly meeting new people.
6. Getting to know you. You’re the only you you've got. Born and blasted into the world, you’re a baby brain who flies through life forming crackly connections with everyone you meet. But getting to know yourself through experiences and deep thoughts adds important shapes and smears to your identity.
7. Bargain basement holidays. Tap your wallet and smile next time you walk by a towering Valentine’s Day display of heart-filled chocolates and pink teddy bears.
8. You can get with this or you can get with that. Are you hungry at 11pm? Get a burger! Are you bored on a Saturday night? Hit the scene! Do you want to free up your busy weekend or busy up your free one? Well the choice is yours! You can get with this or you can get with that. I think you’ll get with this for this is where it’s at.
9. Own your bed, own your life. When you’re single the entire bed is yours and you can test a variety of Starfish poses, Chun-Li leg kick positions, or even the extremely bold diagonal sleeping. (Rarely done.)
10. Embrace your disgusting habits. Clipping your toenails in bed, napping in piles of dirty clothes, or chomping greasy handfuls of potato chips over the sink is fine, fine, fine. The mirror won’t judge you and neither will anybody else.
People, let’s hear it today for being single. Exploring the world, finding adventures, and scoping big scenes are hallmarks of being cool with being you. Because look - falling in love is great and falling in love is nice but that doesn’t mean going alone can’t also be sugar and spice. Good days and bad days, setting suns and shining stars, it’s all about perspective and focusing on who you are. Because if all you need is love, and all love needs is you, then it’s great to relax and enjoy… just being you with you!
Your own views are most welcome.
24
« on: May 21, 2011, 03:05:05 PM »
On Monday, Fred, an old country farmer, bought a mule from Luke, another old farmer, for $100. Luke promised to deliver the mule the next day. On Tuesday Luke drove up and said: "Sorry, Fred, but I have some bad news. The mule died." "Well, then, just give me my money back," Fred replied. "I can't do that," Luke said: "I went and spent it already." "Well, OK then, just unload the mule," Fred instructed. "What ya gonna do with a dead mule?" Luke inquired. "I'm going to raffle him off," Fred said. "You can't raffle off a dead mule!" Luke exclaimed. "Sure I can," Fred replied: "I just won't tell anybody he's dead." Several days later the two farmers met up again. "Whatever happened with that dead mule?" Luke asked. "I raffled him off just like I said I would," Fred replied. "Sold 500 tickets at $2 each!" "Didn't anyone complain?" Luke asked. "Just the guy who won, so I gave him his two dollars back." :rockon: :superhappy: :superhappy: :superhappy: :superhappy:
25
« on: May 20, 2011, 07:47:00 PM »
A man was brought to Mercy Hospital, and taken quickly in for coronary surgery. The operation went well and, as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy who was waiting by his bed. "Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine," said the nun, gently patting his hand: "But we do need to know how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?" "No, I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely. "Can you pay in cash?" persisted the nun. "I'm afraid I cannot, Sister." "Well, do you have any close relatives?" the nun questioned sternly. "Just my sister in New Mexico," he volunteered: "But she's a humble spinster nun." "Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Smith. Nuns are not spinsters -- they are married to God." "Wonderful," said Smith: "In that case, please send the bill to my brother-in-law." :D: :D: :D: :D:
26
« on: May 20, 2011, 07:37:10 PM »
One fine day, brave Captain Smith and his crew of sailors were sailing the ocean blue. Suddenly, on the horizon, there loomed a ship with a skull and crossbones raised on the mast. The crew was frantic, seeking refuge and asking the captain what to do. Brave Captain Smith looked at the approaching ship for a moment and said, "Bring me my red shirt." The call was taken up at once by a cabin boy. As soon as Captain Smith had the shirt in his possession, he ordered the man at the wheel to head straight for the pirate ship. In the ensuing fight, the pirate ship was all but destroyed. The sailors were recounting their individual triumphs afterwards when someone asked Captain Smith why he had asked for his red shirt before the battle. He responded: "If I was wounded, I did not want your confidence to wane. This way, you would keep fighting no matter what happened to me." The crew had a new found admiration for its captain, and they talked all night about his bravery. About a week later, there loomed on the horizon 10 pirate ships. Once again, the crew looked to its captain for leadership. Calmly, Captain Smith said, "Boys, bring me my brown pants!" :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
27
« on: May 20, 2011, 07:30:22 PM »
A guy was known among his friends to be very brief and to the point-he really never said too much. One day, a saleswoman promoting a certain brand of brushes knocked his door and asked to see his wife, so the guy told her that she wasn t home.
"Well," the woman said "could I please wait for her?" "The man directed her to the drawing room and left her there for more than three hours. After feeling really worried, she called out for him and asked," May I know where your wife is?" "She went to the cemetery," he replied. "And when is she coming?" "I don t really know," he said. "She's been there eleven years now." :D: :D:
28
« on: May 20, 2011, 07:13:18 PM »
A husband walks into the bedroom holding two aspirin and a glass of water. His wife asks: "What's that for?" "It's for your headache," he replies. "I don't have a headache," she says. "Gotcha!" :hehe:
29
« on: May 20, 2011, 07:09:58 PM »
A very nervous man, accompanied by his nagging wife, was examined by a doctor. After checking the chart and listening to the wife's ceaseless chatter, he nodded and wrote the man a prescription for a powerful tranquilizer. The man asked: "How often do I take these?" "Let's start off with once every six hours. But they're not for you," replied the doctor: "They're for your wife."
:D: :D: :D: :D: :D: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
30
« on: May 20, 2011, 07:05:16 PM »
A lawyer finds out he has an inoperable brain tumor. It's so large they have to do a brain transplant. His doctor gives him a choice of available brains. There's a jar of rocket scientist brains for $10 an ounce, a jar of regular scientist brains for $15 an ounce, and a jar of lawyer brains for the sum of $800 an ounce. The outraged lawyer says: "This is a rip off! Why are the lawyer brains are so damned expensive?" The doctor replies: "Do you know how many lawyers it takes to get an ounce of brains?" :D: :D:
31
« on: May 20, 2011, 07:00:43 PM »
A notorious mafia boss is looking for a new man to make weekly collections from all the private businesses that he is “protecting.” Feeling the heat from the police force, he decides to use a deaf person for the job so that even if he were to get caught, he wouldn't be able to communicate to the police what he was doing. On his first week, the deaf collector picks up over $50,000. He then gets greedy and decides to keep the money and stashes it in a safe place. The mafia boss soon realizes that his collection is late and sends some of his hoods after the deaf collector. The hoods find the deaf collector and ask him where the money is. The deaf collector can't communicate with them, so the hoods drag the guy to an interpreter. One of the hoods says to the interpreter, "Ask him where da money is." The interpreter signs, "Where is the money?" The deaf man replies, "I don't know what you're talking about." The interpreter tells the hood, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about." The hood pulls out a .38 pistol and places it in the ear of the deaf collector. "Now ask him where da money is." The interpreter signs, "Where is the money?" The deaf man signs, "The $50,000 is in Central Park, hidden in the third tree stump on the left from the West 78th Street gate." The interpreter says to the hood, "He says he still doesn't know what you're talking about and doesn't think you have the guts to pull the trigger!"
:laugh: :laugh:
32
« on: May 20, 2011, 06:56:18 PM »
An old man, a boy and a donkey were going to town. The boy rode on the donkey and the old man walked. As they went along, they passed some people who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking and the boy was riding. The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions. Later, they passed some people who remarked, "What a shame. He makes that little boy walk." They then decided they both would walk. Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride. So they both rode the donkey. Now they passed some people who shamed them by saying how awful it was to put such a load on a poor donkey. The boy and man said they were probably right, so they decided to carry the donkey. As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the animal and the donkey fell into the river and drowned. The moral of the story: If you try to please everyone, you might as well kiss your ass goodbye.
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
33
« on: May 20, 2011, 05:22:42 PM »
There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he boarded the plane, he felt the seats and said: "Wow, these seats are big!" The person next to him answered: "Everything is big in Texas." When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar in a nearby hotel. Upon arriving at the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed: "Wow these mugs are big!" The bartender replied: "Everything is big in Texas." After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied: "Second door to the right." The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the hotel swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident. Scared to death, the blind man started shouting: "Don't flush! Don't flush!"
:D: :D: :D: :D: :D: :D:
34
« on: May 20, 2011, 02:21:24 PM »
A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could get one over on them easy. So the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game. The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun. "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5. Then you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500," he says. This catches the senior's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game. The lawyer asks the first question. 'What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?' The senior doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer. Now it's the senior's turn. He asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he could find on the Net. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail. After an hour of searching, he finally gives up. He wakes the senior and hands him $500. The senior pockets the $500 and goes right back to sleep. The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the senior up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?" The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.
:rockon: :rockon: :rockon: :D: :D: :D: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
35
« on: May 20, 2011, 01:57:59 PM »
An Illinois man left Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her email address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor dead. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen: Dearest Wife, Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Your Loving Husband.
P.S. Sure is hot down here.
:D: :D: :D: :D: :D:
36
« on: May 20, 2011, 01:50:34 PM »
Some people grow old gracefully, while others fight and scratch the whole way. Daniel's wife, refusing to give in to growing old, goes out and buys a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger. After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products, she asks her husband: "Darling, honestly, if you didn't know me, what age would you say I am?" Looking her over carefully, Daniel replies: "Judging from your skin, 20, your hair, 18, and your figure, 25." "Oh, you flatterer!" she gushes: "That's so nice of you to say that!" "Whoa, hold on there, sweetie," Daniel interrupts: "I haven't added them up yet!" :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
37
« on: May 20, 2011, 01:43:20 PM »
Harry was a poor tailor whose shop was next door a 2 Star Restaurant. Every day for lunch, Harry would eat his black bread and herring in the small garden at the back of his shop. He would always smell the wonderful odours emanating from the next door restaurant's kitchen. One day, the restaurant sent Harry an invoice. Harry went to see the manager to ask why. The manager replied, "You’re enjoying my food, so you should pay for it." Harry refused to pay and the restaurant sued him. At the hearing, the judge asked the restaurant to present their side of the story. They said, "Every day, this man comes and sits near our kitchen and visibly smells our food whilst eating his. We are obviously adding value to his cheap food and we deserve to be recompensed for it." The judge then asked Harry, "And what do you have to say about that?" Harry said nothing but stuck his hand in his pocket and rattled around the coins he had inside. The judge asked him, "What’s the meaning of that?" Harry replied, "I am paying for the smell of his food with the sound of my money." :blink:
38
« on: May 20, 2011, 01:36:02 PM »
A man came home from an exhausting day at work, plopped down on the couch in front of the television, and told his wife: "Get me a beer before it starts!" The wife sighed and got him a beer. Ten minutes later, he said: "Get me another beer before it starts!" She looked cross, but fetched another beer and slammed it down next to him. He finished that beer and a few minutes later said: "Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute!" The wife was furious. "Is that all you're going to do tonight! Drink beer and sit in front of that TV! You're nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob and furthermore..." The man sighed and said: "It's started." :D: :D:
39
« on: May 19, 2011, 05:55:36 PM »
ALL ABOUT ****
It is one of the most beautiful words.
English language should be proud of it.
I don’t think ne other language has ne such beautiful words.
It is one magical word just by its sounds it can describe pain, pleasure, hate and love.
In language it falls into many grammatical categories.
It can be used as a verb both transitive and intransitive.
Transitive e.g John fucked marry
Intransitive e.g Marry was fucked by John.
It can be used as a noun
Marry is a f9 ****.
It can be used as an adjective.
Marry is fucking beautiful.
As u can c dere r not many words wid d versatility of ****. Besides d successful meanings dere are also the following uses.
Fraud – I got fucked at the used car lot.
Ignorance – **** !! If I know.
Trouble – I guess I am fucked now.
Aggression – **** u !!
Displeasure – Wat d **** is going on here??
Difficulty – I can’t understand dis fucking job.
Incompetence – He is a **** off..
Suspicion – Wat d **** r u doing??
Enjoyment – I had a fucking tym.
Request – Get d **** out of here.
Hostility – I am going to knock ur fucking head off.
Greeting – Hw d **** r u ??
Apathy – Who gives a ****?
Innovation – Get a bigger fucking hammer.
Surprise – **** u scared the shit out of me.
Anxiety – Today is really fucked.
:hehe:
40
« on: May 19, 2011, 05:51:33 PM »
A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a group of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over. The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked, "Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don't think it's fair - there were plenty of other cars around me who were going just as fast, so why did I get the ticket?" "Ever go fishing?" the policeman suddenly asked the man. "Um, yeah..." the startled man replied. The officer grinned and added, "Did you ever catch all the fish?" :D:
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