A guy dies and is sent to Hell. Satan meets him, shows him doors to three rooms, and says he must choose one spend eternity in. In the first room, people are standing in shit up to their necks. The guy says “no, let me see the next room.” In the second room, people are standing with shit up to their noses. Guy says no again. Finally, Satan opens the door to the third room. People are standing with shit up to their knees, drinking coffee and eating danish pastries. The guy says, “I pick this room.” Satan says okay and starts to leave, and the guy wades in and starts pouring some coffee. On the way out Satan yells, “O.K., coffee break’s over. Everyone back on your heads!”

Two guys were hiking through the jungle when they spotted a tiger who looked both hungry and fast. One of the guys reached into his pack and pulled out a pair of Nikes. His friend looked at him.

”Do you really think those shoes are going to make you run faster than that tiger?”

”I don’t have to run faster than that tiger,” his friend replied. ”I just have to run faster than you.”

Next time you think your hotel bill is too high you might want to consider this... A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest.

They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350. When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager. The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use.

"But we didn't use them," the man complains. "Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager.

He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.

"But we didn't go to any of those shows, "complains the man again.

"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replies.

No matter what facility the Manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't t use it!" The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay.

He writes a check and gives it to the Manager. The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But sir," he says, this check is only made out for $50." "That's correct," says the man. "I charged you $300 for sleeping with my wife." "But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.

"Well, too bad," the man replies. "She was here and you could have.

THIS IS FUNNY BUT IF SOMONE FINDS IT OFFNSIVE MAY REPORT TO ADMIN

At a dinner party, several of the guests were arguing whether men or women were more trustworthy. ‘No woman,’ said one man, scornfully, ‘can keep a secret.’

‘I don’t know about that,’ answered a blonde woman guest. ‘I have kept my age a secret since I was twenty-one.’

‘You’ll let it out some day,’ the man insisted.

‘I hardly think so!’ responded the blonde lady. ‘When a woman has kept a secret for twenty-seven years, she can keep it forever.’

It’s wise to remember how easily email — this wonderful technology — can be misused, sometimes unintentionally, with serious consequences.

Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email.

Unfortunately, when typing her address, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher’s wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.

At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

“Dearest Wife, Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow. P.S. Sure is hot down here.”

Never marry a software engineer. Just have a look at this conversation and then decide Yourself.

Husband – hey dear, I am logged in.

Wife – would you like to have some snacks? Husband – hard disk full.

Wife – have you brought the saree. Husband – Bad command or file name.

Wife – but I told you about it in morning Husband – erroneous syntax, abort, retry, cancel.

Wife – Oh God !forget it where’s your salary. Husband – file in use, read only, try after some time.

Wife – at least give me your credit card, i can do some shopping. Husband – sharing violation, access denied.

Wife – I made a mistake in marrying you. Husband – data type mismatch.

Wife – you are useless. Husband – by default.

Wife – who was there with you in the car this morning? Husband – system unstable press ctrl, alt, del to Reboot.

Wife – what is the relation between you & your Receptionist? Husband – the only user with write permission.


Wife – what is my value in your life? Husband – unknown virus detected.

Wife – do you love me or your computer? Husband – Too many parameters.

Wife – I will go to my dad’s house. Husband – program performed illegal operation, it will Close.

Wife – I will leave you forever. Husband – close all programs and log out for another User.

Wife – it is worthless talking to you. Husband – shut down the computer.

Wife – I am going Husband – Its now safe to turn off your computer.

1) When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and children’s art. We don’t have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.
2) When you call the help desk, state what you want, not what’s keeping you from getting it. We don’t need to know that you can’t get into your mail because your computer won’t power on at all.
3) When I.T. support sends you an email with high importance, delete it at once. We’re just testing.
4) When an I.T. person is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and spill your guts right out. We exist only to serve.
5) Send urgent email all in uppercase. The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery.
6) When something’s wrong with your home PC, dump it on an I.T. person’s chair with no name, no phone number and no description of the problem. We love a puzzle.
7) When an I.T. person tells you that he’ll be there shortly, reply in a scathing tone of voice: “And just how many weeks do you mean by shortly?” That motivates us.
:huhh: When the printer won’t print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print jobs frequently get sucked into black holes.
9) When the printer still won’t print after 20 tries, send the job to all 68 printers in the company. One of them is bound to work.
10) If the mouse cable keeps knocking down the framed picture of your dog, lift the computer and stuff the cable under it. Mouse cables were designed to have 20kg of computer sitting on top of them.
11) When you get a message saying “Are you sure?” click on that Yes button as fast as you can. Hell, if you weren’t sure, you wouldn’t be doing it, would you?
12) When you receive a 30mb (huge) movie file, send it to everyone as a mail attachment. We’ve got lots of disk space on that mail server.
13) We don’t really believe that you’re a bunch of ungrateful twits. It hurts our feelings that you could even think such a thing. We wish to express our deepest gratitude to the hundreds of clueless losers portrayed herein, without whom none of this would have been remotely possible. :happy:

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive, blonde, female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it, looked inside, slammed it shut, and stormed back into her house. A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox, again opened it, and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went. As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came again. She marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever. Puzzled by her actions, the man asked her, “Is something wrong?”

To which she replied, “There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps telling me I have mail!”

A doctor, a lawyer and a programmer were discussing if it’s better to have a wife or a girlfriend.

Lawyer:
“A girlfriend is better. If you divorce your wife, that’s causing a lot of problems.”

Doctor:
“A wife is better. That’s secure so you don’t have to worry so much.”

Programmer:
“You need both. When the wife thinks you’re with your girlfriend and your girlfriend thinks you’re with your wife – then no one disturbs you while programming.”

A guy is standing on the corner of the street smoking one cigarette after another. A lady walking by notices him and says
“Hey, don’t you know that those things can kill you? I mean, didn’t you see the giant warning on the box?!”
“That’s OK” says the guy, puffing casually “I’m a computer programmer”
“So? What’s that got to do with anything?”
“We don’t care about warnings. We only care about errors.”

 :happy: