This section allows you to view all posts made by this member. Note that you can only see posts made in areas you currently have access to.
Topics - SonnenKinder
Pages: 1 ... 44 45 46 47 48 [49] 50 51 52 53 54 ... 63
961
« on: November 28, 2009, 09:17:45 PM »
The mayor of New York offered a million dollars to anyone who could
rid the city of pigeons. After two weeks, a man called city hall
and agreed to do it, and the mayor met him on the brooklyn bridge at
noon the following day.
The man arrived with nothing but a pink pigeon, and at precisely
noon, let the bird fly free. Within minutes all of the pigeons in
New York city were following the bird. Then the man whistled, and
the pink pigeon flew back, and dove into the water drowning itself.
To the mayor's amazement, the rest of the pigeons followed, and
drowned in the river. The mayor was so pleased that he not only
paid the man $1 million, but also gave him a two hundred thousand
dollar bonus. After paying the man, the mayor asked, "you don't
have any pink puerto ricans, do you?"
962
« on: November 28, 2009, 08:55:04 PM »
This low budget oil producer had an oil well that was on fire. He
called every oil well fire fighter in the phone book. All of them
were very expensive. Red Adair wanted $25,000 just to come look
at the fire. There was no way he could afford this. Finally, he
noticed an ad for Jose's Fire Fighting Service. He called Jose
and asked how much he charged?
Jose said, "Senor, I only charge $1,000." The producer thought,
Great! "Well OK Jose, come on out and look at my oil well fire."
The producer was standing on a hill looking at his oil well fire
when a pickup truck with Jose's Fire Fighting on the door and ten
Mexicans in the back came across the hill and drove straight into
the fire.
All of the Mexicans got out of the truck and started stomping
their feet and waiving their serapes screaming, "Ariba! Ariba!"
After about fifteen minutes, the fire was out. The producer
couldn't believe it. The fire was out! The producer yelled,
"Congratulations Jose! What are you going to do with the $1,000?"
Jose answered, "Well senor, the first thing I do is feex the
brakes on this truck..."
963
« on: November 28, 2009, 08:49:19 PM »
This Texan goes to Hawaii for vacation. The first place they go
is a beach. The Texan says, "Well yaknow, this is really a pretty
beach, but it aint no big deal. Hell, we got beaches just as
pretty on South Padre Island."
The next place they go is Honolulu. The Texan says, "Well, yea
this is alright. But we got more buildings, and taller buildings
than this in both Houston and Dallas. This aint no big deal."
Well this goes on all day. Everywhere they go, there is something
in Texas just as good. The tour guide is getting tired of this.
Finally he takes the group up to the top of a live volcano. As
they are standing around this, the tour guide looked at the Texan
and asked, "Well you son of a bitch, you got anything like this in
Texas?"
The Texan thought about it for a minute and replied, "Well no.
But I'll tell you what. We got a fire department in Waco that
will put that son of a bitch out in about fifteen minutes....."
964
« on: November 28, 2009, 07:08:28 PM »
This guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. As the bartender
serves the drink, the guy asks, "Hey, I heard a good Aggie joke
the other day. Do you want to hear it?"
The bartender says, "Well before you tell it, I should warn you
that I'm an Aggie. See those two guys at the end of the bar?
They're Aggies. And see those guys over at that table. They're
Aggies too. Are you sure you want to tell that joke?"
The guy replied, "Hell no! I don't want to explain it five
times..."
965
« on: November 28, 2009, 06:48:31 PM »
Mrs. Markowitz was walking along the beach with her grandson when
suddenly a wave came and washed the three year old boy out to sea.
"Oh, Lord!" cried the women. "If you will just bring that boy back
alive I'll do anything! I'll be the best person! I'll give
to charity! I'll go to church! Please, God! Send him back!"
At that moment, a wave washed the child back up on the sand, safe and
sound. His grandmother looked at the boy and then up to the Heavens.
"Okay!" she exclaimed, "So where's his hat?"
966
« on: November 28, 2009, 06:46:16 PM »
Tillie and Millie, two old girl friends, met for lunch. "I married a
wealthy clothing manufacturer," announced Tillie, "and he bought me a
yacht for my birthday."
"Astounding!" said Millie.
"I have charge accounts in all the department stores," said Tillie.
"'Astounding!" said Millie.
"I have a drawer full of rubies and emeralds and my husband bought me a
twenty five carat diamond ring for our second anniversary," said Tillie.
"Astounding!" said Millie.
"Enough about me," said Tillie, "What have you been doing?"
"Oh," answered Millie, "I'm going to charm school."
"Really, what did you learn there?" asked Tillie.
"Well, for one thing, they taught me to say 'astounding'
instead of 'bullsh*t'," replied Millie.
967
« on: November 28, 2009, 03:31:32 AM »
968
« on: November 28, 2009, 03:25:22 AM »
969
« on: November 27, 2009, 07:27:59 PM »
A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense: "My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offence committed by his limb."
"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses." The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.
970
« on: November 27, 2009, 07:26:37 PM »
A very rich lawyer is approached by the United Way. The man from the United Way is concerned that the lawyer made over $1,000,000.00 last year but didn't donate even a cent to a charity.
"First of all", says the lawyer, "my mother is sick and dying in the hospital, and it's not covered by healthcare. Second, I had five kids through three divorced marriages. Third, my sister's husband suddenly died and she has no one to support her four children..."
"I'm terribly sorry", says the United Way man, "I feel bad about asking for money."
The Lawyer responds, "Yeah, well if I'm not giving them any money, why should I give you any?
971
« on: November 27, 2009, 06:51:09 PM »
Two physicians boarded a flight out of Seattle. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, an attorney got on and took the aisle seat next to the two physicians. The attorney kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the physician in the window seat said," I think I'll get up and get a coke."
"No problem," said the attorney, "I'll get it for you."
While he was gone, one of the physicians picked up the attorney's shoe and put a thumbtack in it. When he returned with the coke, the other physician said, "That looks good, I think I'll have one too."
Again, the attorney obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the other physician picked up the other shoe and put a tack in it. The attorney returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, the attorney slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. "How long must this go on?" he asked. "This fighting between our professions? This hatred? This animosity? This putting tacks in shoes and spitting in cokes?"
972
« on: November 27, 2009, 06:29:39 PM »
Think you have a bad day? Look at these true stories...
And think again: Maybe things aren't so bad:
1. The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from tree hugging onlookers. A minute later, in full view, they were both eaten by a killer whale.
2. A psychology student in New York rented out her spare room to a carpenter in order to nag him constantly and study his reactions. After weeks of needling, he snapped and beat her repeatedly with an axe, leaving her mentally retarded.
3. In 1992, Frank Perkins of Los Angeles made an attempt on the world flagpole-sitting record. Suffering from the flu he came down eight hours short of the 400 day record, his sponsor had gone bust, his girlfriend had left him and his phone and electricity had been cut off.
4. A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current she whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the back door, breaking his arm in two places. Until that moment he had been happily listening to his Walkman.
5. Two animal rights protesters were protesting the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly the pigs, all two thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded, trampling the two hapless protesters to death.
6. Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with return to sender stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.
There now! Your day's not so bad, is it?
973
« on: November 27, 2009, 06:20:35 PM »
A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for his capture, and an enterprising Texas ranger decided to track him down.
After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina, snuck up behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to the bandit's head, and said, "You're under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or I'll blow your brains out!"
But the bandit didn't speak English, and the Ranger didn't speak Spanish. Fortunately, a bilingual lawyer was in the saloon and translated the Ranger's message. The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the loot was buried under the oak tree in back of the cantina.
"What did he say?" asked the Ranger.
The lawyer answered, "He said 'Get lost, Gringo. You wouldn't dare shoot me.'
974
« on: November 27, 2009, 06:14:48 PM »
A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary.
Their domestic tranquillity had long been the talk of the town.
A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret
of their long and happy marriage.
"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the man.
"We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom
on the canyon by pack mule.
We hadn't gone too far when my wife's mule stumbled.
My wife quietly said, 'That's once.'
We proceeded a little further and the mule stumbled again.
Once more my wife quietly said, 'That twice.'
We hadn't gone a half- mile when the mule stumbled the third time.
My wife quietly removed a revolver from her pocket and shot the mule dead.
I started to protest over her treatment of the mule when she looked at me
and quietly said 'That's once.'"
975
« on: November 27, 2009, 06:11:04 PM »
Sam and Becky are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. Sam says to her, "Becky, I was wondering - have you ever cheated on me?"
Becky replies, "Oh Sam, why would you ask such a question now? You don't want to ask that question..."
"Yes, Becky, I really want to know. Please..."
"Well, all right. Yes, 3 times..."
"Three? Well, when were they?" he asked.
"Well, Sam, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan? Remember, then one day the bank president himself came over the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?"
"Oh, Becky, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, to do such a thing for me. So, when was number 2?"
"Well, Sam, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Then remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here, to do the surgery himself, and then you were in good shape again?"
"I can't believe it! Becky, you should do such a thing for me, to save my l ife. I couldn't have a more wonderful wife. To do such a thing, you must really love me darling. I couldn't be more moved. So, all right then, when was number 3?"
"Well, Sam, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the golf club and you were 17 votes short..?"
976
« on: November 27, 2009, 06:08:01 PM »
HOW TO DIFFERENTIATE BETWEEN LOVE, LUST AND MARRIAGE...
LOVE when your eyes meet across a crowded room
LUST when your tongues meet across a crowded room
MARRIAGE when your belt won't meet around your waist, and you don't c
LOVE when you argue over how many children to have
LUST When you argue over who gets the wet spot
MARRIAGE when you argue over money
LOVE when you share everything you own
LUST when you think twice about giving your partner bus money
MARRIAGE when the bank owns everything
LOVE when you phone each other just to say "Hi"
LUST when you phone each other just to organize (censored :happy:)
MARRIAGE when you phone each other to find out what time your son's game starts
LOVE when you write poems about your partner
LUST when all you write is your phone number
MARRIAGE when all you write are check's
LOVE when you show concern for your partners' feelings
LUST when you couldn't give a rip
MARRIAGE when your only concern is what's on TV
LOVE when your farewell is "I love you darling"
LUST when your farewell is "So, same time next week?"
MARRIAGE when your farewell is silent
LOVE when you are proud to be seen in public with your partner
LUST when you only ever see each other in the bedroom
MARRIAGE when you never see each other awake
LOVE when your heart flutters every time you see them
LUST when your groin twitches every time you see them
MARRIAGE when your wallet empties every time you see them
LOVE when nobody else matters
LUST when nobody else knows
MARRIAGE when everybody else matters and you don't care who knows
LOVE when all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you feel
LUST when it's just the same mushy old crap
MARRIAGE when you never listen to music
LOVE when breaking up is something you try not to think about
LUST when staying together is something you try not to think about
MARRIAGE when just getting through today is your only thought
LOVE when you're interested in everything your partner does
LUST when you're only interested in one thing
MARRIAGE when you're not interested in what your partner does and the one thing you're interested in is your golf score
977
« on: November 27, 2009, 05:58:10 PM »
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'" "But why?" asks the man. "I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.
978
« on: November 27, 2009, 05:56:51 PM »
A young lady came home from a date, rather sad. She told her mother, "Anthony proposed to me an hour ago." "Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked. "Because he also told me he is an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a Hell." Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him how wrong he is."  :
979
« on: November 27, 2009, 05:55:33 PM »
The woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "My dearest, you have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"
"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
"I think you're bad luck."
980
« on: November 27, 2009, 05:25:50 PM »
A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?
The first blonde answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!" The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture shows his side profile."
Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asks her, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!" The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?!? Of course only one eye and one ear are SHOWING because it's a picture of his side profile!! Is that the best answer you can come up
with?
Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" He quickly adds"... think hard before giving me a stupid answer."
The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "Hmmmm...the suspect wears contact lenses." The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. "Well, that's an interesting answer...wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that."
He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.
"Wow! I can't believe it...it's TRUE! The suspect does
in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?
"That's easy," the blonde replied.
"He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear.
Pages: 1 ... 44 45 46 47 48 [49] 50 51 52 53 54 ... 63
|
Show Posts