One summer afternoon, Former President Bill Clinton and his wife Hillary were vacationing in their home state of Arkansas. After a long road trip, they stopped at a service station to fill up their car with gas.

As it turns out, the owner of the gas station was Hillary's old high school boyfrined. They exchanged hello's and brief chit-chat before the former White House couple went on their way.

As they were making their way back home, Bill put his arm around Hillary and said, "Well, honey... if you had stayed with him, you would now be the wife of a service station owner."

She smirked and replied, "No Bill, if I had stayed with him... he would have been the President of the United States!"

Dr. Smith recently got his doctorate in psychology and his first assignment was to visit the community  retirement home for the patient's monthly mental examination.

He sees his first patient and asks him, "Ralph, how much is six times six?" Ralph responds "74." He asks the next resident, "Tim, how much is six times six?" Tom responds, "Thursday." Expecting more of the same, he approaches Randy and asks him, "Randy, how much is six times?" "THIRTY-SIX" replies Randy. "That's right Randy, well done! Now tell me how did you know that answer?" "Oh it was easy... I just subtracted 74 from Thursday!"

James, as usual, came home really late one Saturday night after being at the bar all night drinking. Not only was he drunk, he was sloppy drunk. He carefully crept into bed next his wife, who fell sleep angry hours earlier, and gave her a goodnight kiss on the check in hopes that she wouldn't wake up.

He awoke in the middle of the night to a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe. "Who the hell are you," demanded James, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?" The mysterious man answered "This is not your bedroom, and my name is St. Peter".

James didn't take the news so well... "You mean I'm dead! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't even said goodbye to my family... you've got to send me back right away!"

St. Peter replied "You cannot go back as you were, you have passed away James. However, you can be reincarnated - but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen." James was devastated, but knowing that there was a farm just down the road from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.

A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking at corn on the ground. "This ain't so bad," he thought until he felt a strange feeling churning inside him. The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you're the new hen, huh? How are you enjoying your first day here?" "It's not so bad" replies James, "but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode". "You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "haven't you ever laid an egg before?"

"Never" replies James.

"Well just relax and let it happen."

And so he did, and just a few uncomfortable seconds later an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him - emotions got the better of him as he experienced the joy motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him... ever!

The joy of motherhood continued to build and, just as he was just about to lay his third egg, he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shout "James, wake up you drunken bas*ard, you're sh*tting the bed!"

One day a fisherman was lying on a beautiful beach, with his fishing pole
propped up in the sand and his solitary line cast out into the sparkling
blue surf. He was enjoying the warmth of the afternoon sun and the prospect
of catching a fish.
About that time, a businessman came walking down the beach, trying to
relieve some of the stress of his workday. He noticed the fisherman sitting
on the beach and decided to find out why this fisherman was fishing instead
of working harder to make a living for himself and his family.
"You aren't going to catch many fish that way," said the businessman to the
fisherman, "you should be working rather than lying on the beach!"
The fisherman looked up at the businessman, smiled and replied, "And what
will my reward be?"
"Well, you can get bigger nets and catch more fish!" was the businessman's
answer.
"And then what will my reward be?" asked the fisherman, still smiling.
The businessman replied, "You will make money and you'll be able to buy a
boat, which will then result in larger catches of fish!"
"And then what will my reward be?" asked the fisherman again.
The businessman was beginning to get a little irritated with the fisherman's
questions. "You can buy a bigger boat, and hire some people to work for
you!" he said.
"And then what will my reward be?" repeated the fisherman.
The businessman was getting angry. "Don't you understand? You can build up a
fleet of fishing boats, sail all over the world, and let all your employees
catch fish for you!"
Once again the fisherman asked, "And then what will my reward be?"
The businessman was red with rage and shouted at the fisherman, "Don't you
understand that you can become so rich that you will never have to work for
your living again! You can spend all the rest of your days sitting on this
beach, looking at the sunset. You won't have a care in the world!"
The fisherman, still smiling, looked up and said, "And what do you think I'm
doing right now?"

A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker to
inscribe on his tombstone, "Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer."
The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for
passersby would tend to think that three men were buried under the stone.
However he suggested an alternative: He would inscribe, "Here lies a man who
was both honest and a lawyer. That way, whenever anyone walked by the
tombstone and read it, they would be certain to remark: "That's Strange!"

Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at
the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven,
they would each have to answer one question.
St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship
that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it." The teacher
answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter let him through the
gate.
St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't REALLY need
all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the
question a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?" Fortunately
for him, the trash man had just seen the movie and answered, "about 1,500."
"That's right! You may enter."
St. Peter then turned to the lawyer. "Name them."

A middle-aged Jewish guy is out to dinner with his wife to celebrate her
fortieth birthday.
He says, "So what would you like, Julie? A Jaguar? A sable coat? A diamond
necklace?"
She says, "Bernie, I want a divorce." He says, "I wasn't planning on
spending that much."

From Our Finest Minds
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
SMOKING KILLS. AND IF YOU'RE KILLED, YOU'VE LOST A VERY IMPORTANT
PART OF YOUR LIFE."
- Brooke Shields
"THE PRESIDENT HAS KEPT ALL OF THE PROMISES HE INTENDED TO KEEP."
- Clinton aide George Stephanopolous speaking on "Larry King Live"
"THE POLICE ARE NOT HERE TO CREATE DISORDER. THEY'RE HERE TO
PRESERVE DISORDER."
- Former Chicago mayor Daley during the infamous 1968 convention
"IF YOU'VE SEEN ONE REDWOOD TREE, YOU'VE SEEN THEM ALL."
- Forestry expert Ronald Reagan
"TRADITIONALLY, MOST OF AUSTRALIA'S IMPORTS COME FROM OVERSEAS."
- Former Australian cabinet minister Keppel Enderbery
"IT IS WONDERFUL TO BE HERE IN THE GREAT STATE OF CHICAGO."
- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle
"THE STREETS ARE SAFE IN PHILADELPHIA. IT'S ONLY THE PEOPLE
THAT MAKE THEM UNSAFE."
- Former Philadelphia Mayor and Police Chief Frank Rizzo
"THE INTERNET IS A GREAT WAY TO GET ON THE NET."
- Republican presidential candidate Bob Dole
"IT IS BAD LUCK TO BE SUPERSTITIOUS."
- Andrew Mathis
"IT'S LIKE AN ALCATRAZ AROUND MY NECK."
- Boston mayor Menino on the shortage of city parking spaces
"I WAS RECENTLY ON A TOUR OF LATIN AMERICA, AND THE ONLY REGRET
I HAVE WAS THAT I DIDN'T STUDY LATIN HARDER IN SCHOOL SO I COULD
CONVERSE WITH THOSE PEOPLE."
- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle
"THEY'RE MULTIPURPOSE. NOT ONLY DO THEY PUT THE CLIPS ON,
BUT THEY TAKE THEM OFF."
- Pratt & Whitney spokesperson explaining why the company charged
the Air Force nearly $1,000 for an ordinary pair of pliers
"WE'RE GOING TO TURN THIS TEAM AROUND 360 DEGREES."
- Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks
"I'M NOT GOING TO HAVE SOME REPORTERS PAWING THROUGH OUR
PAPERS. WE ARE THE PRESIDENT."
- Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents
"WHEN MORE AND MORE PEOPLE ARE THROWN OUT OF WORK,
UNEMPLOYMENT RESULTS."
- Former U.S. President Calvin Coolidge
"CHINA IS A BIG COUNTRY, INHABITED BY MANY CHINESE."
- Former French President Charles de Gaulle
"THAT LOWDOWN SCOUNDREL DESERVES TO BE KICKED TO DEATH BY A
JACKASS, AND I'M JUST THE ONE TO DO IT."
- A congressional candidate in Texas
"THINGS ARE MORE LIKE THEY ARE NOW THAN THEY EVER WERE BEFORE."
- Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower
"A BILLION HERE, A BILLION THERE -- SOONER OR LATER IT ADDS UP TO
REAL MONEY."
- Everett Dirksen
"I DON'T FEEL WE DID WRONG IN TAKING THIS GREAT COUNTRY AWAY
FROM THEM. THERE WERE GREAT NUMBERS OF PEOPLE WHO NEEDED
NEW LAND, AND THE INDIANS WERE SELFISHLY TRYING TO KEEP IT FOR
THEMSELVES."
- John Wayne
"HALF THIS GAME IS NINETY PERCENT MENTAL."
- Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny Ozark
"IT ISN'T POLLUTION THAT'S HARMING THE ENVIRONMENT. IT'S THE
IMPURITIES IN OUR AIR AND WATER THAT ARE DOING IT."
- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle
"WITHOUT CENSORSHIP, THINGS CAN GET TERRIBLY CONFUSED IN
THE PUBLIC MIND."
- General William Westmoreland, during the war in Viet Nam
"WHAT A WASTE IT IS TO LOSE ONE'S MIND. OR NOT TO HAVE A
MIND IS BEING VERY WASTEFUL. HOW TRUE THAT IS."
- Former U.S. Vice- President Dan Quayle at a fundraising event for
the United Negro College Fund. He was attempting to quote the line "a
mind is a terrible thing to waste."
"IF YOU LET THAT SORT OF THING GO ON, YOUR BREAD AND BUTTER
WILL BE CUT RIGHT OUT FROM UNDER YOUR FEET."
- Former British foreign minister Ernest Bevin
"I LOVE CALIFORNIA. I PRACTICALLY GREW UP IN PHOENIX."
- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

Out All Night Drinking
An Irishman's been at a pub all night drinking. The bartender finally says
that the bar is closed. So he stands up to leave and falls flat on his face.
He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will
sober him up.
Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he crawls home and
at the door stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door
and up the stairs.
When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up. This time he
falls right into bed and is sound asleep.
He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him.
"So, you've been out drinking again!!"
"How did you know?" he asks.
"The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again."