This section allows you to view all posts made by this member. Note that you can only see posts made in areas you currently have access to.
Topics - SonnenKinder
Pages: 1 ... 42 43 44 45 46 [47] 48 49 50 51 52 ... 63
921
« on: December 03, 2009, 08:51:08 PM »
Why it's good to have five pairs of black shoes.
9.The difference between cream, ivory, and off-white
8.Crying can be fun.
7.FAT CLOTHES.
6.A salad, diet drink, and a hot fudge sundae make a balanced lunch.
5.Discovering a designer dress on the clearance rack can be considered a
peak life experience.
4 The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.
3 A good man might be hard to find, but a good hairdresser is next to
impossible.
2 Why a phone call between two women never lasts under ten minutes.
1 AND THE NUMBER ONE THING ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND:
OTHER WOMEN!
922
« on: December 03, 2009, 08:43:52 PM »
A man and his wife are having a huge argument when their car is stopped by a police officer.
The following exchange takes place....
The man says: "What's the problem officer?"
Officer: "You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone."
Man: "No sir, I was going 65."
Wife: "Oh, Harry. You were going 80."
[Man gives his wife a dirty look.]
Officer: "I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light."
Man: "Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!"
Wife: "Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks."
[Man gives his wife a dirty look.]
Officer: "I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt."
Man: "Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car."
Wife: "Oh, Harry, you never wear your seat belt."
Man turns to his wife and yells: "Shut your mouth, woman!"
Officer turns to the woman and asks, "Ma'am, does your husband talk to you this way all the time?"
Wife says: "No, only when he's drunk."
923
« on: December 03, 2009, 07:48:14 PM »
It is well documented that for every mile that you jog, you add one minute to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month.
1.My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we don't know where the hell she is !
2.The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
3.I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.
4.I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.
5.I don't exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up on our body.
6.I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
7.I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
8.The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.
9.If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
10.And last but not least:
I don't jog, it makes the ice jump right out of my glass. :happy:
924
« on: December 03, 2009, 07:41:38 PM »
These are nominees for the chevy NOVA award. This is given out in the honour of GM's fiasco in trying to market the NOVA car in centeral and south america. No va in spanish means "It does not go"
1.The Dairy Association's huge success with the campaign "Got Milk?" prompted them to expand advertising to Mexico. It was soon brought to their attention the Spanish translation read "Are You Lactating?"
2.Coors put its slogan, "Turn It Loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer From Diarrhea
3.Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American campaign: "Nothing Sucks like an Electrolux."
4.Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick," a curling iron, into Germany only to find out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the "Manure Stick."
5.When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the US, with the smiling baby on the label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the labels of what's inside, since many people can't read.
6.Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno magazine.
7.An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of "I saw the Pope" (el Papa), the shirts read "I Saw the Potato" (la papa).
8.Pepsi's "Come Alive With the Pepsi Generation" translated into "Pepsi Brings Your Ancestors Back From the Grave" in Chinese.
9.The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as "Kekoukela", meaning "Bite the Wax Tadpole" or "Female Horse Stuffed with Wax", depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 characters to find a phonetic
equivalent "kokoukole", translating into "Happiness in the Mouth."
10.When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to have read, "It won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you." The company thought that the word "embarazar" (to impregnate) meant to embarrass, so the ad read: "It won't leak in your pocket and make you
pregnant!"
925
« on: December 03, 2009, 07:26:07 PM »
You're an extreme redneck when--
You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
The value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.
You’ve been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
You think a woman who is out of your league bowls on a different night.
You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
Your wife’s hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
Your junior prom offered day care.
You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels..
The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.
One of your kids was born on a pool table.
You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
You can’t get married to your sweetheart because there’s a law against it.
You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
926
« on: December 03, 2009, 07:20:44 PM »
1.An elderly gentleman had had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, “Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.”
The gentleman replied, “Oh, I haven’t told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to their conversations. I’ve changed my will three times!”
2.Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: “Slim, I’m 83 years old now and I’m just full of aches and pains. I know you’re about my age. How do you feel?”
Slim says, “I feel just like a newborn baby.”
“Really!? Like a newborn baby!?”
“Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.”
3.An elderly couple had dinner at another couple’s house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, “Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.”
The other man said, “What is the name of the restaurant?”
The first man thought and thought and finally said, “What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... The one that’s red and has thorns.”
“Do you mean a rose?”
“Yes, that’s the one,” replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, “Rose, what’s the name of that restaurant we went to last night?”
4.Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn’t need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
“I don’t know,” he said. “She’s still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.”
5.Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things.
During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they’re physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.
“Want anything while I’m in the kitchen?” he asks.
“Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?”
“Sure.”
“Don’t you think you should write it down so you can remember it?” she asks.
“No, I can remember it .”
“Well, I’d like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so’s not to forget it?”
He says, “I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.”
“I’d also like whipped cream. I’m certain you’ll forget that, write it down?” she asks.
Irritated, he says, “I don’t need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!”
Then he toddles into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.
She stares at the plate for a moment.
“I knew you’d forget something if you didn’t write it down. Where’s my toast ?”
6.A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy, “So I hear you”re getting married?”
“Yep!”
“Do I know her?”
“Nope!”
“This woman, is she good looking?”
“Not really.”
“Is she a good cook?”
“Naw, she can’t cook too well.”
“Does she have lots of money?”
“Nope! Poor as a church mouse.”
“Why in the world do you want to marry her then?”
“Because she can still drive!”
7.Three old guys are out walking.
The first one says, “Windy, isn’t it?”
The second one says, “No, it’s Thursday!”
The third one says, “So am I. Let’s go get a beer.”
8.A man was telling his neighbour, “I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it’s state of the art. It’s perfect.”
“Really,” answered the neighbour. “What kind is it?”
“ Twelve thirty.”
9.Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, “You’re really doing great, aren’t you?”
Morris replied, “Just doing what you said, Doc: “Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.”“
The doctor said, “I didn’t say that. I said, “You’ve got a heart murmur; be careful.”
10.A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool…
After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, “Crushed nuts?”
“No,” he replied, “Arthritis
927
« on: December 03, 2009, 06:59:16 PM »
Hand Eagle  Hand Eagle Wings Hand Hound Hand Jaguar Hand Zebra
928
« on: December 03, 2009, 06:39:15 PM »
“The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good ... spit it out.“
Unknown
“I once had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: ‘No good in a bed, but fine up against a wall’ ".
Eleanor Roosevelt
“The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning, and a good ending; and have the two as close together as possible.”
George Burns
“Santa Claus has the right idea ... visit people only once a year.”
Victor Borge
“Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.”
Mark Twain
“What would men be without women? Scarce, sir, mighty scarce.”
Mark Twain
“My wife is a sex object. Every time I ask for sex, she objects.”
Les Dawson
“By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher
Socrates
“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.”
Groucho Marx
“My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.”
Jimmy Durante
“The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things.”
Jilly Cooper
“I never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.”
“I was always a good housekeeper. Whenever I divorced I always kept the house.”
Zsa Zsa Gabor
“Only Irish coffee provides, in a single glass, all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar, and fat.”
Alex Levine
“My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.”
Ed Furgol
“Money can't buy you happiness, but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.”
Spike Milligan
“I am opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous to offer me the position.”
Mark Twain
“Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.”
Herbert Henry Asquith
“I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.”
Bob Hope
“A woman drove me to drink ... and I hadn't even the courtesy to thank her.”
W C Fields
“It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth, or the fourteenth.”
George Burns
“We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.”
Unknown
“Don't worry about avoiding temptation... As you grow older, it will avoid you.”
Unknown
Doctor to patient: “I have good news and bad news. The good news is that you are not a hypochondriac.”
Unknown
“By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.”
Unknown
929
« on: December 03, 2009, 06:32:52 PM »
Free one can of pork and beans with purchase of three bedroom, two bath home.
American flag, 60 stars. Pole included $100.
Amana washer, $100. Owned by clean bachelor who seldom washed.
Free puppies. Part German Shepherd, part dog.
Whirlpool built-in oven—frost-free.
Full-sized mattress. 20-year warranty. Like new. Slight urine smell.
Wanted: Used paint.
Tickle Me Elmo. New in box. Hardly tickled, $700.
1988 Toyota Hunchback, $2,000.
Wanted, somebody to go back in time with. This is not a joke. You'll get paid after we get back. Must bring your own weapons. Safety not guaranteed. I have only done this once before.
Free-farm kittens, ready to eat.
Lost cat. Last seen at the Park County Rod & Gun Club shooting range.
Main Street Pizza: We deliver, or pick up.
Lose all your weight, only $49.
Nordic track, $300. Hardly used. Call Chubby.
Exercise equipment: queen size mattress and box springs, $175.
Free Yorkshire terrier. Eight years old. Hateful little dog.
For sale by owner. Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last weekend. Wife knows everything.
One man, seven women hot tub. $850 or best offer.
Tickle me Elmo, still in box, comes with its own 1988 mustang, 5L, auto, excellent condition—$6,800.
Georgia peaches. California grown, 89 cents per pound.
Snow blower for sale. Only used on snowy days.
German shepherd, 85 lbs., neutered. Speaks German. Free.
Cows, calves never bred. Also one gay bull for sale.
Found—dirty white dog. Looks like a rat. Been out awhile. Better be reward.
Bill's septic cleaning. We haul American-made products.
Open house. Body shapers toning salon. Free coffee and donuts.
Free puppies. Half cocker spaniel, half sneaky neighbor's dog.
Shakespeare's Pizza. Free chopsticks.
Nice parachute—never opened. Used once.
Joining nudist colony. Must sell washer and dryer, $300.
Our sofa seats the whole mob and it's made of 100 percent Italian leather.
Tired of working for only $9.75 per hour? We offer profit-sharing and flexible hours. Starting pay, $7-9 per hour.
Free puppies—part German shepherd, part stupid dog.
Hummels—largest selection ever. If it's in stock, we have it!
Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.
A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.
Dinner Special: Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.
For sale—an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
For sale—a quilted high chair that can be made into a table, pottie chair, rocking horse, refrigerator, spring coat, size 8 and fur collar.
Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.
Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.
Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.
We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it really repellent.
For sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.
For sale—eight puppies from a German shepherd and an Alaskan hussy.
Great Dames for sale.
Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.
Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.
Dog for sale—eats anything and is fond of children.
Vacation special—have your home exterminated.
Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.
The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds, and other athletic facilities.
Get rid of aunts—Zap does the job in 24 hours.
Toaster—a gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.
Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else.
Stock up and save. Limit: one.
Save regularly in our bank. You'll never reget it.
We build bodies that last a lifetime.
This is the model home for your future. It was panned by Better Homes and Gardens.
For rent—six-room hated apartment.
Man, honest. Will take anything.
Wanted—chambermaid in rectory. Love in, $200 a month. References required.
Wanted—part-time married girls for soda fountain in sandwich shop.
Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
Used cars—why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!
Christmans tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.
Wanted—hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential.
Wanted—man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
3-year-old teacher need for pre-school. Experience preferred.
Our experienced mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals and smacks included.
Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.
Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.
See ladies blouses. Fifty percent off!
Wanted—preparer of food. Must be dependable, like the food business, and be willing to get hands dirty.
Illiterate? Write today for free help.
Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.
Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.
Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.
Mother's helper—peasant working conditions.
Semi-annual after-Christmas Sale.
And now, the Superstore—unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.
We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.
Two female Boston terrier puppies, seven wks. old, perfect markings, 555-1234. Leave mess.
Wanted—unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.
Modular sofas. Only $299. For rest or fore play.
930
« on: December 03, 2009, 06:17:43 PM »
Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odour. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.
Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children-last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, “Don’t throw the baby out with the bath water.”
Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the dogs, cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it became slimy & slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof. Hence the saying “It’s raining cats and dogs.”
There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could really mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That’s how canopy beds came into existence.
The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on the floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they kept adding more thresh until when you opened the door it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entranceway. Hence the saying a “thresh hold.”
In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes the stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while. Hence the rhyme, “Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old.”
Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man “could bring home the bacon.” They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and “chew the fat”.
Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or “upper crust.”
Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would sometimes knock them out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a “wake.”
England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a “bone-house” and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they thought they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the “graveyard shift”) to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be “saved by the bell” or was considered a “dead ringer.”
And that’s the, er, truth...
Now, whoever said that History was boring !!!!!
931
« on: December 03, 2009, 05:58:50 PM »
932
« on: December 03, 2009, 11:28:46 AM »
When tomorrow starts without me, And I'm not there to see;
If the sun should rise and find your eyes, All filled with tears for me;
I wish so much you wouldn't cry, The way you did today,
While thinking of the many things, We didn't get to say.
I know how much you love me, As much as I love you,
And each time that you think of me, I know you'll miss me too;
But when tomorrow starts without me, Please try to understand,
That an angel came and called my name, And took me by the hand,
And said my place was ready, In heaven far above,
And that I'd have to leave behind, All those I dearly love.
But as I turned to walk away, A tear fell from my eye,
For all my life, I'd always thought, I didn't want to die.
I had so much to live for, So much yet to do,
It seemed almost impossible, That I was leaving you.
I thought of all the yesterdays, The good ones and the bad,
I thought of all the love we shared, And all the fun we had.
If I could relive yesterday, Just even for awhile,
I'd say good-bye and kiss you, And maybe see you smile.
But then I fully realized, That this could never be,
For emptiness and memories, Would take the place of me.
And when I thought of worldly things, I might miss come tomorrow,
I thought of you, and when I did, My heart was filled with sorrow.
But when I walked through heaven's gates, I felt so much at home.
When God looked down and smiled at me, From His great golden throne,
He said "This is eternity, And all I've promised you."
Today for life on earth is past, But here it starts anew.
I promise no tomorrow, But today will always last,
And since each day's the same way, There's no longing for the past.
But you have been so faithful, So trusting and so true.
Though there were times you did some things, You knew you shouldn't do.
But you have been forgiven, And now at last you're free.
So won't you take my hand, And share my life with me?
So when tomorrow starts without me, Don't think we're far apart,
For every time you think of me, I'm right here, in your heart.
933
« on: December 02, 2009, 09:36:21 PM »
934
« on: December 02, 2009, 09:07:35 PM »
935
« on: December 02, 2009, 08:48:38 PM »
936
« on: December 01, 2009, 08:22:50 PM »
937
« on: December 01, 2009, 07:53:32 PM »
938
« on: December 01, 2009, 10:16:21 AM »
The following are quotes from exams and papers assigned to 7th through 12th students and, for the music section, college students. They were supplied by teachers across the nation.
Science:
◦"When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire."
◦"H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water."
◦"To collect fumes of suphur, hold on a deacon over a flame in a test tube."
◦"When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide."
◦"Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free state."
◦"Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes, and caterpillars."
◦"The largest organ in the human body is the head."
◦"Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, then expectoration."
◦"Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire."
◦"A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold."
◦"The pistol of a flower is its only protections against insects."
◦"Germinate means to become a naturalized German."
◦"The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off."
◦"A planet is a body of Earth surrounded by sky."
◦"A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is."
◦"To remove air from a flask, fill it with water, tip the water out, and put the cork in quick before the air can get back in."
◦"The process of turning steam back into water again is called conversation."
◦"The earth makes a resolution every 24 hours."
◦"Algebraical symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking about."
◦"We believe that the reptiles came from the amphibians by spontaneous generation and the study of rocks."
◦"The dodo is a bird that is almost decent by now."
◦"English sparrows and starlings eat the farmers grain and soil his corpse."
◦"People shouldn't be allowed to shoot extinct animals."
◦"Humans are more intelligent than beasts because human branes have more convulsions."
◦"If conditions are not favorable, bacteria go into a period of adolescence."
◦"A triangle which has an angle of 135 degrees is called an obscene triangle."
Medicine:
◦"For asphyxiation: Apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead."
◦"For head cold: Use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat."
◦"For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body until the heart stops."
◦"For fractures: To see if the limb is broken, giggle it gently back and forth."
◦"For dust in the eye: Pull the eye down over the nose."
◦"Blood flows down one leg and back the other."
◦"When you haven't enough iodine in your blood you get a glacier."
◦"Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative."
◦"Many women believe that an alcoholic beverage will have no ill effects on the unborn fetus, but that is a large misconception."
◦"A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cupids, two molars, and eight cuspidors."
Rest in part II :happy:
939
« on: December 01, 2009, 08:06:53 AM »
Kids aged 5-10 were asked questions about love & marriage. Here's what they said.
"If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don't want to do it. It takes too long." -- Glenn, age 7
"Love is like an avalanche where you have to run for your life." -- John, age 9
"I think you're supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest of it isn't supposed to be so painful." -- Manuel, age 8
"No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell. That's why perfume and deodorant are so popular." -- Mae, age 9
"Love is the most important thing in the world, but baseball is pretty good too." -- Greg, age 8
"Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife." -- Tom, age 5
"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date." -- Mike, 10
"I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when Dinosaurs is on television." -- Jill, age 6
"One of the people has freckles, and so he finds somebody else who has freckles too." -- Andrew, age 6
"My mother says to look for a man who is kind. That's what I'll do. I'll find somebody who's kinda tall and handsome." -- Carolyn, age 8
"It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a kid. I don't need that kind of trouble." -- Kenny, age 7
"One of you should know how to write a check. Because, even if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills." -- Ava, age 8
"When somebody's been dating for a while, the boy might propose to the girl. He says to her, 'I'll take you for a whole life, or at least until we have kids and get divorced.'" -- Anita, 9
"I'm not rushing into being in love. I'm finding fourth grade hard enough." -- Regina, age 10
"Most men are brainless, so you might have to try more than once to find a live one." -- Angie, age 10
"A man and a woman promise to go through sickness and illness and diseases together." -- Marlon, age 10
"[Being] single is better . . . for the simple reason that I wouldn't want to change no diapers. Of course, if I did get married, I'd figure something out. I'd just phone my mother and have her come over for some coffee and diaper-changing." -- Kirsten, age 10
"Love is foolish...but I still might try it sometime." -- Floyd, age 9
"Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me." -- Dave, age 8
940
« on: November 30, 2009, 07:28:10 PM »
An ambitious, young clerk's responsibilities included bringing the judge a hot cup of coffee every morning. And, every morning, the judge became infuriated when the coffee cup was brought to him just 2/3 full.
With his back to the corner, the young clerk explained that he had to rush to get the coffee delivered while it was still hot, which caused him to spill much of it along the way. After weeks of yelling and insults, nothing the judge said to the young clerk produced a full cup of coffee - until he threatened to cut the clerk's pay by 1/3 if he continued to produce 1/3 less than the judge wanted.
The following morning, the judge was greeted with a cup of coffee that was full to the brim, and the next morning and the morning after that. The judge couldn't resist gloating over his success and smugly complimented the clerk on his new technique.
"Oh, there's not much to it," admitted the clerk happily, "I take some coffee in my mouth right outside the coffee room, and spit it back in when I get outside your office."
Pages: 1 ... 42 43 44 45 46 [47] 48 49 50 51 52 ... 63
|
Show Posts