One winter morning a husband and wife in northern Minnesota were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer Say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowploughs can get through." So the good wife went out and moved her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowploughs can get through." The good wife went out and moved her car again.

The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park...." Then the electricity went out.

The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowploughs can get through?"

With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time..."

After getting all his luggage loaded in the limo, and His Holiness doesn't travel light, the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.

"Hey, Mr. Pope," says the driver in accented English. "Why have you not seated yourself in this excellent limo?"

"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican and I'd really like to drive."

"That is very much against the rules!" protests the driver, wishing he'd never left Rome.

"There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope gets in behind the wheel. He quickly regrets his decision when, after clearing the airport, the Pope accelerates the limo to 105 mph.

"Please be driving not so rapidly, Mr. Pope," pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal. Then they hear the siren.

"Oh, my gosh, now I am surely losing my license," moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the patrolman approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatch.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.

"So bust him," said the Chief.

"I think the guy's a big shot," said the cop.

"All the more reason."

"No, I mean really a big shot," said the cop.

"What'd ya got there, the Mayor?"

"Bigger."

"Governor."

"Bigger."

"Well," said the Chief, "who is it?"

"I don't know," said the cop, "but he's got the Pope driving for him.

A lawyer is trying to call his clients. The phone rings and their little boy, in a whisper, says, "Hello."

Lawyer: "Is your mommy there?"

Boy: (whisper) "Yes."

Lawyer: "Can I speak with her?"

Boy: (whisper) "She's busy."

L: "Is your daddy there?"

B: (whisper) "Yes."

L: "Can I speak with him?"

B: (whisper) "He's busy."

L: "Is there anyone else there?"

B: (whisper) "The fire department."

L: "Can I talk to one of them?"

B: (whisper) "They're busy."

L: "Is there anybody ELSE there?"

B: (whisper) "The police department."

L: "Well, can I talk to one of THEM?"

B: (whisper) "They're busy."

L: "Let me get this straight, your mother, father, the fire department AND the police department are ALL in your house, and they're ALL busy. WHAT are they doing?"

B: (whisper) "They're looking for me."

BREAKFAST
1 grapefruit
1 slice whole-wheat toast
1 cup skim milk

LUNCH
1 small portion lean, steamed chicken with a cup of spinach
1 cup herbal tea
1 Hershey's Kiss

AFTERNOON TEA
The rest of the Hershey Kisses in the bag
1 tub of Hagen-Daaz ice cream with chocolate-chip topping

DINNER
4 glasses of wine (red or white)
2 loaves garlic bread
1 family-size Supreme pizza
3 Snickers bars

LATE NIGHT SNACK
1 whole Sarah Lee cheesecake (eaten directly from the freezer)

REMEMBER: "Stressed" spelled backward is "desserts". Send this to four women and you will lose two pounds. Send this to all the women you know or ever knew), and you will lose 10 pounds. If you delete this message, you will gain 10 pounds immediately. That's why I had to pass this on - I didn't want to risk it!

Air Force One comes in for a landing at the airport. A ramp is wheeled up and President Clinton appears carrying a pig under each arm. As he comes down the ramp, the Marine at the bottom snaps to a salute.
Clinton says, "You'll have to excuse me. I can't return your salute. My hands are full."

"Yes Sir. I see the pigs Sir!" responds the Marine.

"Now hold on," says Clinton. "These aren't just pigs. These are genuine Arkansas Razorbacks."

"Yes Sir! Razorbacks Sir!" says the Marine.

"I got this one for Chelsea and this one for Hillary," Clinton explains.

The Marine answers, "Yes Sir! An excellent trade if I may say so myself Sir!"
 

At the 2009 World Women's Conference the first speaker from Canada stood up:

"At last year's conference we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands. Well, after the conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb."

The crowd cheered.

The second speaker from France stood up: "After last year's Conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had done not only his own washing but my washing as well."

The crowd cheered.

The third speaker from Glasgow stood up: "After last year's Conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his cooking, cleaning or shopping and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I could see a little bit out of my left eye."

A funeral service is being held in a synagogue for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pallbearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall jarring the casket.

They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive!

She lives for 10 more years and then dies. A ceremony is again held at the same synagogue and at the end of the service the pallbearers are again carrying out the casket.

As they are walking, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"

These three men are going through MI6 training, trying to become secret agents. They finally get through all their written and physical tests when they are pulled aside by one of the instructors who takes them to a small room with a one way mirror in it looking into another room.
They bring the first guy's wife into that room and leave her there. The instructor then loads two rounds into a pistol, hands it to the first man and says "Go kill your wife of five years." The trainee takes the weapon, goes into the next room but comes back out 1 minute later and says "I can't do it." The instructor replies, "Then you fail out - get out."

They then bring the second guy's wife into the room and leave her there. The instructor then loads two rounds into a pistol, hands it to the second man and says "Go kill your wife of ten years." The trainee takes the weapon, goes into the next room but comes back out 3 minutes later and says "I can't do it." The instructor replies, "Then you fail out - get out." 

Finally, they bring the third guy's wife into the room and leave her there. The instructor then loads two rounds into a pistol, hands it to the third man and says "Go kill your wife of fifteen years." The trainee takes the weapon, goes into the next room where there is silence for 1 minute. Suddenly, there are two gunshot sounds followed by a huge commotion in the room. The third man came out finally, sweating profusely, and says, "Good job, moron! You gave me blanks - I had to choke the bitch!"

College is a bunch of rooms where you sit for 2,000 hours or so and
try to memorize things. The 2,000 hours are spread out over four
years. You spend the rest of the time sleeping, partying, and trying to
get dates.

Basically, you learn two kinds of things in college:

1. Things you will need to know in later life (two hours). 2. Things you
will not need to know in later life (1,998 hours).

The latter are the things you learn in classes whose names end in
-ology, -osophy, -istry, -ics, and so on. The idea is you memorize
these things, then write them down in little exam books, then forget
them. If you fail to forget them, you become a professor and have to stay
in college for the rest of your life.

After you've been in college for a year or so, you're supposed to
choose a major, which is the subject you intend to memorize and
forget the most things about. Here is a very important piece of
advice: Be sure to choose a major that does not involve Known Facts
and Right Answers. This means you must not major in mathematics,
physics, biology, chemistry, or geology because these subjects
involve actual facts.

If, for example, you major in mathematics, you're going to wander
into class one day and the professor will say: "Define the cosine
integer of the quadrant of a rhomboid binary axis, and extrapolate
your result to five significant vertices." If you don't come up with
exactly the answer the professor has in mind, you fail.

The same is true of chemistry: If you write in your exam book that
carbon and hydrogen combine to form oak, your professor will flunk
you. He wants you to come up with the same answer he and all the
other chemists have agreed on. Scientists are extremely snotty about
this.

So you should major in subjects like English, philosophy, psychology, and
sociology - subjects in which nobody really understands what anybody else
is talking about, and which involve virtually no actual facts.

My friend attended classes in all these subjects, so he gave me a quick
overview of each:

ENGLISH: This involves writing papers about long books you have read
little snippets of just before class. Here is a tip on how to get good
grades on your English papers: Never say anything about a book that
anybody with any common sense would say. For example, suppose you are
studying Moby Dick. Anybody with any common sense would say Moby Dick is
a big white whale, since the characters in the book refer to it as a big
white whale roughly 11,000 times. So in your paper, you say Moby Dick is
actually the Republic of Ireland. Your professor, who is sick to death of
reading papers and never liked Moby Dick anyway, will think you are
enormously creative. If you can regularly come up with lunatic
interpretations of simple stories, you should major in English.

PHILOSOPHY: Basically, this involves sitting in a room and deciding
there is no such thing as reality and then going to lunch. You should
major in philosophy if you plan to take a lot of drugs.

PSYCHOLOGY: This involves talking about rats and dreams.
Psychologists are obsessed with rats and dreams. I once spent an
entire semester training a rat to punch little buttons in a certain
sequence, then training my roommate to do the same thing. The rat
learned much faster. My roommate is now a doctor. If you like rats or
dreams, and above all if you dream about rats, you should major in
psychology.

SOCIOLOGY: For sheer lack of intelligibility, sociology is far and
away the number one subject. I sat through hundreds of hours of
sociology courses, and read gobs of sociology writing, and I never
once heard or read a coherent statement. This is because sociologists
want to be considered scientists, so they spend most of their time
translating simple, obvious observations into scientific-sounding code.
If you plan to major in sociology, you'll have to learn to do the same
thing. For example, suppose you have observed that children cry when they
fall down. You should write: "Methodological observation of the
sociometrical behavior tendencies of prematurated isolates indicates that
a causal relationship exists between groundward tropism and lachrimatory
behavior forms." If you can keep this up for 50 or 60 pages, you will get
a large government grant.