In the US when a senator invited an Indian Politician home for dinner, the minister was very impressed by the lavish mansion, grounds and the costly furnishings.
He asked, "How can you afford all this on a meagre senator's salary?"
The sentaor smiled knowingly and took him to the window.
"Can you see the river?"
"Yes"
"Can you see the bridge over it?"
"Of course", said the minister.
"10 percent", said the senator smugly.
Some time later, he had occasion to pay a return visit. The Indian minister lavished all hospitality on him. When they came to his house,the American was stunned by the huge palace the minister had built, glittering with precious art, hundreds of servants etc etc.
"How can you possibly afford this, on a salary in Indian Rupees," he asked.
The minister called him to the window.
"See the river over there?"
"Sure", cried the senator.
"Can you see the bridge over it?"
The senator looked confused,and said, "No, I don't."
"100 percent." said the minister.
 

During a publicity outing, Hillary sneaked off to visit a fortune-teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news.
"There`s no easy way to say this, so I`ll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."
Visibly shaken, Hillary stared at the woman`s lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands.
She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortuneteller`s gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question.
"Will I be acquitted?"
 
 

A poor, downtrodden beggar stands on the street, not having much luck. Exasperated and hungry he decides to make a sign, and hastily scrawls the word "Beg" on a piece of cardboard.
Hardly anyone pays him and his new sign any mind. A few passers-by drop him a couple of pennies.
Suddenly, he gets an idea. He picks up his sign and to the word "Beg," he adds ".com."
From around the corner, two venture capitalists appear, tripping over themselves to be the first to hand him a quarter of a million dollars.
Pleased with his new-found wealth, the beggar decides to go one better. Flipping his cardboard sign over, he writes "e-Beg."
Immediately, Jerry Yang and Bill Gates pull up in limousines and ask to buy him out.

Jack and Max are walking from religious service. Jack wonders whether it would be all right to smoke while praying.

Max replies, "Why don't you ask the Priest?"

So Jack goes up to the Priest and asks, "Father, may I smoke while I pray ?"

The Priest replies, "No, my son, you may not! That's utter disrespect to our religion."

Jack goes back to his friend and tells him what the good Priest told him.

Max says, "I'm not surprised. You asked the wrong question. Let me try."

And so Max goes up to the Priest and asks, "Father, may I pray while I smoke ?"

To which the Priest eagerly replies, "By all means, my son. By all means. You can always pray whenever you want to." 
 

School: A place where Papa pays and Son plays.
 

Life Insurance: A contract that keeps you poor all your life so that you can die Rich.


Nurse: A person who wakes u up to give you sleeping pills.


Marriage: It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her masters.


Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine willpower is defeated by feminine waterpower..
 

Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the Lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through 'the minds of either'
 

Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.


Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.


Dictionary: A place where success comes before work.


Conference Room: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.
 

Father: A banker provided by nature..
 

Boss: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.
 

Politician: One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence after.


Doctor: A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you by bills.

Classic: Books, which people praise, but do not read..


Smile: A curve that can set a lot of things straight.

Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.

Yawn: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.

Etc.: A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.
 

Committee: Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.
 

Experience: The name men give to their mistakes.


Atom Bomb: An invention to end all inventions..


Philosopher: A fool who torments himself during life, to be wise after death
 
 

A couple of days earlier, my cousin forwarded me a mail. I would like to share it with PJ

While a man was polishing his new car, his 4 yr old son picked up a
stone and scratched lines on the side of the car. In anger, the man
took the child's hand and hit it many times; not realizing he was
using a wrench.
At the hospital, the child lost all his fingers due to multiple
fractures. When the child saw his father.....with painful eyes he
asked, 'Dad when will my fingers grow back?' The man was so hurt and
speechless; he went back to his car and kicked it a lot of times.
Devastated by his own actions......sitting in front of that car he
looked at the scratches; the child had written 'LOVE YOU DAD'.
The next day that man committed suicide. .
Anger and Love have no limits; choose the latter to have a beautiful,
lovely life..... Things are to be used and people are to be loved,
But the problem in today's world is that, People are used and things
are loved... During this year, let's be careful to keep this thought
in mind: Things are to be used, but People are to be loved ... Be
yourself....This is the only day we HAVE. Have a nice day
Best regards
Watch your thoughts; they become words. Watch your words; they become
actions. Watch your actions; they become habits. Watch your habits
they become character; Watch your character; it becomes your destiny

Marriage Humor

Wife: 'What are you doing?'

Husband: Nothing.

Wife: 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'

Husband: 'I was looking for the expiration date.'

-------------------------------

Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'

Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?'

Wife: 'Yes or no.' 'You always carry my photo in your wallet.. Why?'
'When there is a problem, no matter how great, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.'

Wife: 'You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?'

'Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be greater than this one?'

--------------------------------------------------------

Stress Reliever Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'

'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'

'We ll that's because we aren't married yet.'

------------------------------

'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'

'Well, you have done the right thing.'

'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'

________________________________

A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'

'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'

------------------------------------------------------------

Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.
The guy replies: 'Thanks for the early warning..'

-------------------------------

A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'

He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humor!'


Husbands are husbands

A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.
'What was that for?' the man asked.
The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'.

The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on'
The wife apologized and went on with the housework.
Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious. Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.

Wife replied. 'Your horse phoned'

                           


                           


         



Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years.   He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:



Knowing when to come in out of the rain;
Why the early bird gets the worm;
Fire is hot;



Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies, don’t
spend more than you can earn.  And reliable strategies like, adults, not
children, are in charge.



His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place.



Reports of a 6 year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.



Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.  It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer, sun lotion or a band-aid to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.



Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.  Common Sense took a beating when you couldn’t defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.



Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason.



He is survived by his 3 stepbrothers; I Know My Rights; Someone Else Is To Blame, and I’m A Victim.

They call it 'The Peruvian Viagra'. It's the best aphrodisiac. 'Extracto de rana' (Frog juice) is in very high demand at local markets of Lima, Peru.
You go to the market stall and you pick your frogs from a tank. The vendor takes them out and bangs them against the table to kill them. Then she peels the skin off them and she fills the blender with hot white bean broth, some honey, raw aloe vera and a generous portion of maca. Then she adds your plucked frogs and she turns the blender on. And voila, a delicious warm glass of frog juice.