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Topics - SonnenKinder
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821
« on: December 13, 2009, 01:17:46 AM »
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich.
Dispatcher: Excuse me?
Caller: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.
Dispatcher: Was anything else taken?
Caller: No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of it
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: Hi, is this the Police?
Dispatcher: This is 9-1-1. Do you need police assistance?
Caller: Well, I don't know who to call. Can you tell me how to cook a turkey? I've never cooked one before.
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 Fire or emergency?
Caller: Fire, I guess.
Dispatcher: How can I help you sir?
Caller: I was wondering...does the Fire Dept. put snow chains on their trucks?
Dispatcher: Yes sir, do you have an emergency?
Caller: Well, I've spent the last 4 hours trying to put these chains on my tires and... well.. do you think the Fire Dept. could come over and help me?
Dispatcher: Help you what?
Caller: Help me get these chains on my car!
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart.
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!
And the winner is...
Dispatcher: 9-1-1
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. Darn....I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.
Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police
822
« on: December 12, 2009, 10:02:35 PM »
Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Female customer: A white one...
==========================
Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the Button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
Customer: No,wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my
desk... sorry....
==========================
Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?
===============
Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello.. I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on "start" for me and...
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates.
==========================
Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try,
it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in
front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...
==========================
Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Tech support: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah....................thank you.
==========================
Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at the 7-11.
===============
Tech support: Your password is the small letter "a" as in apple, a capital
letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?
== =============
Customer: can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.
=============
Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.
===============
Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my
computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.
===============
Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the
circle around it?
===============
A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her
printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer: "No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The
man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is
working fine."
And last but not least...
Tech support:"Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same
time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the
letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager."
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: "P".....on your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!
823
« on: December 12, 2009, 09:56:04 PM »
A man was out for a walk one day and on his travels he wandered through a farm. Strangely, he saw a pig with a wooden leg! This intrigued him so much that he found the farmer and quizzed him about it.
“This is no ordinary pig,” said the farmer. “For example, only two days ago there was a fire in the chicken shed when I was away from the farm. The pig noticed this and immediately went and let all the chickens out into the yard. He then phoned for the fire brigade and came straight back to hold the fire until they arrived!”
“And a few weeks ago, I was driving my tractor down a steep hill, when I lost control and the vehicle overturned, knocking me unconscious! The pig saw this, phoned for the ambulance and then rushed to the tractor and pulled me clear of the cab just before it set on fire.” The farmer was just about to launch into another tale when the man said “Yes, yes, but what about the wooden leg?” “Well,” said the farmer, “When you’ve got a pig as good
as that, you don’t eat it
all at once!”
824
« on: December 12, 2009, 09:36:13 PM »
This is weird, but interesting!
fi yuo cna raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too
Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55 plepoe out of 100 can..
i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!
825
« on: December 12, 2009, 09:31:35 PM »
A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the
ball into the woods.
She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog
in a trap.
The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I
will grant you three wishes."
The woman freed the frog, and the frog said,
"Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.
Whatever you wish for, your husband will get ten times of it!" The woman
said, "That's okay."
For her first wish, she wanted to be the most
beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her, "You do realize that this
wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis
whom women will flock to".
The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will
be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me."
So, KAZAM-
she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!
For her second wish, she
wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said, "That will make
your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than
you. "
The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's
his is mine."
So, KAZAM- she's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like to have a
mild heart attack."
Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't
mess with them.
Attention
female readers:
This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue
feeling good!
Male
readers: Please scroll down.
The man had a heart attack ten times
"milder" than his wife!!!
Moral of the story : Women are really dumb but think they're really smart .
Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show
PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen!!!
This is to all the guys for a good laugh, and to all the ladies who have a good sense of humour :)
ENJOY.
826
« on: December 12, 2009, 09:23:38 PM »
A Mexican drinks his Tequila and suddenly throws his
glass in the air, pulls out a pistol and shoots the
glass to pieces. He says "In Mexico, our glasses are
so cheap that we don't need to drink from the same one
twice.
An Iraqi obviously impressed by this, drinks his
camel beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out
his AK-47 and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In Iraq we
have so much sand to make the glasses that we don't
need to drink out of the same
glass twice either!
A US Marine, cool as a cucumber, picks up his Miller
Lite and drinks it, throws his glass into the air,
pulls out his M-16 and shoots the Mexican and the Iraqi.
He shouts "In America we have so many Mexicans and
Arabs that we don't need to drink with the same ones
twice.
827
« on: December 12, 2009, 09:16:54 PM »
An Indian man walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. He tells the loan officer that he is going to India on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.
The bank officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan, so the Indian man hands over the keys and documents of new Ferrari parked on the street in front of the bank. He produces the title and everything checks out. The loan officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.
The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the Indian for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drives the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the Indian returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multi millionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow "$5,000" ?
The Indian replies:
"Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return'"
Ah, the mind of the Indian...
This is why India is shining
828
« on: December 12, 2009, 09:10:45 PM »
A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed nicely made up and everything neat and tidy.
Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the pillow. It was simply addressed, "Dad". With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:
Dear Dad,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with you and Mom.
I've been finding real passion with Joan and she is so nice. I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, her tight motorcycle clothes and because she is so much older than I am but it's not only the passion, Dad, she's pregnant.
Joan says that we are going to be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood, enough for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.
Joan has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.
In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Joan can get better; she sure deserves it!
Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.
Your son,
Chad
P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my desk drawer. I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home!
829
« on: December 12, 2009, 08:55:32 PM »
A business man got on an elevator. When he entered, there was a blonde already inside who greeted him with a bright, “T-G-I-F.”
He smiled at her and replied, “S-H-I-T.”
She looked puzzled and repeated, “T-G-I-F,” more slowly.
He again answered, “S-H-I-T.”
The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile, and said as sweetly as possibly, “T-G-I-F.”
The man smiled back to her and once again, “S-H-I-T.”
The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain.
‘T-G-I-F’ means ‘Thank Goodness It’s Friday.’ Get it, duuhhh?”
The man answered, “‘S-H-I-T’ means ‘Sorry, Honey, It’s Thursday.
830
« on: December 12, 2009, 08:45:32 PM »
About ten years ago, George Bush was visiting Mikhail Gorbachev at the Kremlin. When he got him alone for a moment, he said to Gorbachev, ''Mikhail, can you help me with a problem? I have some doubts about one of the key people under me. How do you decide that someone is smart enough to work for you?''
''Well, when I was interviewing Eduard Shevardnadze, I asked him, 'Eduard, who is the son of your father but not your brother?'''
''What did he say?'' Bush asked.
''He said, 'that's me,' so I hired him.'' Bush patted Gorbachev on the shoulder. ''Thanks, Mikhail. That's a great idea.'' As soon as he got back to Washington, Bush called Dan Quayle over to the White House.
''Dan,'' he said, ''I've got a question for you. Who is the son of your father but not your brother?'' Quayle looked rather puzzled. ''Can I get back to you on that in 24 hours, Mr. President?'' He was very troubled by this question. He kept thinking about it and thinking about it, but couldn't get anywhere. Finally, the thought struck him, ''I'll ask Jim Baker. He's a smart guy.'' Quayle called Baker on the phone.
''Jim, I've got a question for you. Who is the son of your father, but not your brother?''
''That would be me,'' Baker replied. Quayle broke into a big smile.
''Thanks, Jim. You've helped me out big time.'' He went running to the West Wing and burst into the Oval Office. ''Mr. President, I have the answer!''
''Okay, Dan. Who is the son of your father, but not your brother?''
''It's Jim Baker!'' said Quayle.
''No,'' said Bush. ''It's Shevardnadze.
831
« on: December 12, 2009, 08:41:21 PM »
1.If you understand, say "understand" . If you don't understand, say "don't understand". But if you understand and say "don't understand". How do I understand that you understand? Understand!
2.I wish to wish the wish you wish to wish, but if you wish the wish the witch wishes, I won't wish the wish you wish to wish.
3.Sounding by sound is a sound method of sounding sounds.
4.A sailor went to sea to see, what he could see. And all he could see was sea, sea, sea.
5 .Purple Paper People, Purple Paper People, Purple Paper People
6 .If two witches were watching two watches, which witch would watch which watch?
7 .I thought a thought.But the thought I thought wasn't the thought I thought I thought. If the thought I thought I thought had been the thought I thought, I wouldn't have thought so much.
8.Once a fellow met a fellow In a field of beans. Said a fellow to a fellow, "If a fellow asks a fellow, Can a fellow tell a fellow What a fellow means?"
9.Mr Inside went over to see Mr Outside. Mr Inside stood outside and called to MrOutside inside. Mr Outside answered Mr Inside from inside and Told Mr Inside to come inside. Mr Inside said "NO", and told Mr Outside to come outside. MrOutside and Mr Inside argued from inside and outside about going outside or coming inside. Finally, Mr Outside coaxed Mr Inside to come inside, then both Mr Outside and Mr Inside went outside to the riverside.
10.She sells sea shells on the sea shore , but the sea shells that she sells, on the sea shore are not the real ones
11.The owner of the inside inn was inside his inside inn with his inside outside his inside inn.
12.If one doctor doctors another doctor does the doctor who doctors the doctor doctor the doctor the way the doctor he is doctoring doctors? Or does the doctor doctor the way the doctor who doctors doctors?
"When a doctor falls ill another doctor doctor's the doctor. Does the doctor doctoring the doctor doctor the doctor in his own way or does the doctor doctoring the doctor doctors the doctor in the doctor's way"
13.We surely shall see the sun shine shortly. Whether the weather be fine, Or whether the weather be not, Whether the weather be cold Or whether the weather be hot, We'll weather the weather Whatever the weather, Whether we like it or not. watch? Whether the weather is hot. Whether the weather is cold. Whether the weather is either or not. It is whether we like it or not.
14.Nine nice night nurses nursing nicely.
15.A flea and a fly in a flue Said the fly "Oh what should we do" Said the flea" Let us fly Said the fly"Let us flee" So they flew through a flaw in the flue
16.If you tell Tom to tell a tongue-twister his tongue will be twisted as tongue-twister twists tongues.
832
« on: December 12, 2009, 08:02:57 PM »
833
« on: December 11, 2009, 10:04:15 PM »
Operator : "Thank you for calling Pizza Hut . May I have your..."
Customer: "Heloo, can I order.."
Operator : "Can I have your multi purpose card number first, Sir?"
Customer: "It's eh..., hold..........on......889861356102049998-45-54610"
Operator : "OK... you're... Mr John and you're calling from 17 XXXX.
Your home number is 4094! 2366, your office 76452302 and your mobile is
0142662566. Which number are you calling from now Sir?"
Customer: "Home! How did you get all my phone numbers?
Operator : "We are connected to the system Sir"
Customer: "May I order your Seafood Pizza..."
Operator : "That's not a good idea Sir"
Customer: "How come?"
Operator : "According to your medical records, you have high blood pressure
and even higher cholesterol level Sir"
Customer: "What?... What do you recommend then?"
Operator : "Try our Low Fat Hokkien Mee Pizza. You'll like it"
Customer: "How do you know for sure?"
Operator : "You borrowed a book entitled "Popular Hokkien Dishes" from the
National Library last week
Sir"
Customer: "OK I give up... Give me three family size ones then, how much
will that cost?"
Operator : "That should be enough for your family of 10, Sir. The total is
$49.99"
Customer: "Can I pay by! credit card?"
Operator : "I'm afraid you have to pay us cash, Sir. Your credit card is
over the limit and you owe your bank $3,720.55 since October last year.
That's not including the late payment charges on your housing loan, Sir."
Customer: "I guess I have to run to the neighbourhood ATM and withdraw some
cash before your guy arrives"
Operator : "You can't Sir. Based on the records, you've reached your daily
limit on machine withdrawal
today"
Customer: "Never mind just send the pizzas, I'll have the cash ready. How
long is it gonna take anyway?"
Operator : "About 45 minutes Sir, but if you can't wait you can always come
and collect it on your motorcycle..."
Customer: " What!"
Operator : "According to the details in system ,you own a
Scooter,...registration number 1123..."
Customer: " ????"
Operator : "Is there anything else Sir?"
Customer: "Nothing... by the way... aren't you giving me that 3 free
bottles of cola as advertised?"
Operator : "We normally would Sir, but based on your records you're also
diabetic....... "
Customer: #$$^%&$@$%^
Operator : "Better watch your language Sir. Remember on 15th July 1987 you
were convicted of using abusive language on a policeman...?"
Customer: [Faints]
834
« on: December 11, 2009, 08:59:54 PM »
835
« on: December 11, 2009, 08:22:07 PM »
836
« on: December 11, 2009, 08:05:27 PM »
837
« on: December 11, 2009, 07:36:50 PM »
838
« on: December 11, 2009, 07:30:36 PM »
839
« on: December 11, 2009, 07:24:48 PM »
840
« on: December 11, 2009, 02:58:18 AM »
A major traffic jam was preventing people from moving forward.
A motorist shouted out wanting to know what was happening.
A guy from the front replied, "Well at the traffic crossing Laloo Yadav is sprawled across the road.
He is refusing to move from there!"
"But why?"
"He has lost the elections and will now surely be convicted for corruption and will have to pay lakhs of Rupess as fines!
He is threatening to douse himself with kerosene and set himself on fire if people didn`t contribute with money to help him pay the fine!"
"So how much has been collected so far?"
"Six litres!"
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