A man dies and goes to hell.


There he finds that there is a different hell for each country.


He goes to the German hell and asks, "What do they do here?"


He told, "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour.

Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour.

Then the German devil comes in and beats you for the rest of the day."


The man does not like the sound of that at all, so he moves on.


He checks out the USA hell as well as the Russian hell and many more.


He discovers that they are all more or less the same as the German hell.


Then he comes to the Indian hell and finds that there is a long line of people waiting to get in.


Amazed, he asks, "What do they do here?"


He told, "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour.


Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour.


Then the Indian devil comes in and beats you for the rest of the day.


"But that is exactly the same as all the other hells - why are there so many people waiting to get in?"


*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*

Because maintenance is so bad that the electric chair does not work,


someone has stolen all the nails from the bed


and


the devil is a former Govt servant,


so he comes in, signs the register and then goes to the canteen!!!!!!

A judge enters the courtroom, strikes the gavel and says, "Before I begin this trial, I have an announcement to make.

"The lawyer for the defense has paid me $15,000 to swing the case his way. The lawyer for the plaintiff has paid me $10,000 to swing the case her way.

"In order to make this a fair trial, I am returning $5,000 to the defense

               

If Noah had lived in the United States today the story may have gone something like this:

And the Lord spoke to Noah and said, "In one year, I am going to make it rain and cover the whole earth with water until all flesh is destroyed. But I want you to save the righteous people and two of every kind of living thing on earth. Therefore, I am commanding you to build an Ark."

In a flash of lightning, God delivered the specifications for an Ark. In fear and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to build the ark. "Remember," said the Lord, "you must complete the Ark and bring everything aboard in one year."

Exactly one year later, fierce storm clouds covered the earth and all the seas of the earth went into a tumult. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard weeping. "Noah!" He shouted. "Where is the Ark?"

"Lord, please forgive me," cried Noah. "I did my best, but there were big problems.

"First, I had to get a permit for construction, and your plans did not meet the building codes. I had to hire an engineering firm and redraw the plans. Then I got into a fight with OSHA over whether or not the Ark needed a sprinkler system and approved floatation devices. Then, my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning ordinances by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission.

"Then, I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to protect the Spotted Owl. I finally convinced the U.S. Forest Service that I really needed the wood to save the owls. However, the Fish and Wildlife Service won't let me take the 2 owls.

"The carpenters formed a union and went on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or hammer. Now, I have 16 carpenters on the Ark, but still no owls.

"When I started rounding up the other animals, an animal rights group sued me. They objected to me taking only two of each kind aboard. This suit is pending.

"Meanwhile, the EPA notified me that I could not complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take very kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator of the Universe.

"Then, the Army Corps of Engineers demanded a map of the proposed flood plain. I sent them a globe.

"Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission that I am practicing discrimination by not taking atheists aboard.

"The IRS has seized my assets, claiming that I'm building the Ark in preparation to flee the country to avoid paying taxes. I just got a notice from the state that I owe them some kind of user tax and failed to register the Ark as a 'recreational water craft'.

"And finally, the ACLU got the courts to issue an injunction against further construction of the Ark, saying that since God is flooding the earth, it's a religious event, and, therefore unconstitutional.

"I really don't think I can finish the Ark for another five or six years."

Noah waited. The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine, and the seas began to calm. A rainbow arched across the sky.

Noah looked up hopefully. "You mean you're not going to destroy the earth, Lord?"

"No," He said sadly. "I don't have to. The government already has

A young and pretty lady posted this on a popular forum:

Title: What should I do to marry a rich guy?

I'm going to be honest of what I'm going to say here. I'm 25 this year. I'm very pretty, have style and good taste. I wish to marry a guy with $500k annual salary or above. You might say that I'm greedy, but an annual salary of $1M is considered only as middle class in New York . My requirement is not high. Is there anyone in this forum who has an income of $500k annual salary? Are you all married? I wanted to ask: what should I do to marry rich persons like you? Among those I've dated, the richest is $250k annual income, and it seems that this is my upper limit. If someone is going to move into high cost residential area on the west of New York City Garden ( ? ) , $250k annual income is not enough.

I'm here humbly to ask a few questions:
1) Where do most rich bachelors hang out? (Please list down the names and addresses of bars, restaurant, gym)
2) Which age group should I target?
3) Why most wives of the riches is only average-looking? I've met a few girls who doesn't have looks and are not interesting, but they are able to marry rich guys
4) How do you decide who can be your wife, and who can only be your girlfriend? (my target now is to get married)

Ms. Pretty

Here's a reply from a Wall Street Financial guy:

Dear Ms. Pretty,

I have read your post with great interest. Guess there are lots of girls out there who have similar questions like yours. Please allow me to analyse your situation as a professional investor. My annual income is more than $500k, which meets your requirement, so I hope everyone believes that I'm not wasting time here. From the standpoint of a business person, it is a bad decision to marry you. The answer is very simple, so let me explain. Put the details aside, what you're trying to do is an exchange of "beauty" and "money": Person A provides beauty, and Person B pays for it, fair and square. However, there's a deadly problem here, your beauty will fade, but my money will not be gone without any good reason. The fact is, my income might increase from year to year, but you can't be prettier year after year. Hence from the viewpoint of economics, I am an appreciation asset, and you are a depreciation asset. It's not just normal depreciation, but exponential depreciation. If that is your only asset, your value will be much worried 10 years later.

By the terms we use in Wall Street, every trading has a position, dating with you is also a "trading position". If the trade value dropped we will sell it and it is not a good idea to keep it for long term – same goes with the marriage that you wanted. It might be cruel to say this, but in order to make a wiser decision any assets with great depreciation value will be sold or "leased". Anyone with over $500k annual income is not a fool; we would only date you, but will not marry you. I would advice that you forget looking for any clues to marry a rich guy. And by the way, you could make yourself to become a rich person with $500k annual income. This has better chance than finding a rich fool.

Hope this reply helps. If you are interested in "leasing" services, do contact  :happy:

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the

strongest man around that they offered a Rs 10,000

bet. The bartender would squeeze a

lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand

the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one

more drop of juice out would win the money. Many

people like weight-lifters, wrestlers, body

builders, etc had tried over time, but nobody could

do it.


One day this scrawny little man came in, wearing

thick glasses and a safari suit, and said in a tiny,

squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet." After the

laughter had died down, the bartender said OK,

grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the

wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.


But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence

as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and

5-6 drops fell into the glass. As the

crowd cheered, the bartender paid the Rs 10,000, and

asked the little man, "What do you do for a living?


Are you a weight-lifter, or what?"


"No," replied the man.


"I work as a project manager in a software company !! "

A clock that has only 9's in it.

Having 9s does not make it special.... U can design a clock having only 9 with 9/9 (=1), (9+9)/9(=2), (9+9+9)/9(=3) and so on...

What makes it really amazing is the fact that... it has only 3 9s in each digit representation...

A priest and pastor from the local parishes are standing by the side of the road holding up a sign that reads, "The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!"

They planned to hold up the sign to each passing car.

"Leave us alone you religious nuts!" yelled the first driver as he sped by.

From around the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash. "Do you think," said one clergy to the other, "we should just put up a sign that says 'Bridge Out' instead?"

 

This is a collection of leave letters and applications written by people knowing thodi bahut angreji. English is a funny language.

1. A student's leave letter:
"As I am suffering from my uncle's marriage I cannot attend the class...."
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -------

2. A candidate's application:
"This has reference to your advertisement calling for a 'typist And an accountant - Male or Female'... As I am both for the past Several years and I can handle both; I am applying for the post."
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -------

3. I.T.I.,Delhi: An employee applied for leave as follows:
Since I have to go to my village to sell my land along with my wife. Please sanction me one-week leave.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -------

4. Another employee applied for half day leave as follows:
"Since I've to go to the cremation ground at 10 o-clocks and I may not return, please grant me half day casual leave"
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -------

5. A leave letter to the headmaster:
"As I am studying in this school I am suffering from headache. I request you to leave me today"
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -------

6. An incident of a leave letter:
"I am suffering from fever, please declare one day holiday."
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -------

7. Another leave letter written to the headmaster:
As my headache is paining, please grant me leave for the day.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -------

8. A covering note:
"I am enclosed herewith..."
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -------

9. From H.A.L. Administration dept:
As my mother-in-law has expired and I am responsible for it, Please grant me 10 days leave.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -------

10. Actual letter written for application of leave:
"My wife is suffering from sickness and as I am her only husband At home I may be granted leave".
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -------

11. Letter writing:
"I am in well here and hope you are also in the same well."
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -------

12. Another gem from I.T.I. Leave-letter from an employee who was
Performing his daughter's wedding:
"As I am marrying my daughter, please grant a week's leave.