This section allows you to view all posts made by this member. Note that you can only see posts made in areas you currently have access to.
Topics - SonnenKinder
Pages: 1 ... 22 23 24 25 26 [27] 28 29 30 31 32 ... 63
521
« on: January 17, 2010, 04:13:07 AM »
In promulgating your esoteric cogitations or articulating your superficial sentimentalities and amicable philosophical or psychological observations, beware of platitudinous ponderosity.
Let your conversational communications possess a compacted conciseness, a clarified comprehensibility, a coalescent cogency and a concatenated consistency.
Eschew obfuscation and all conglomeration of flatulent garrulity, jejune babblement and asinine affectations.
Let your extemporaneous descants and unpremeditated expatiations have intelligibility and voracious vivacity without rodomontade or thrasonical bombast.
Sedulously avoid all polysyllabic profundity, pompous prolificacy and vain vapid verbosity.
If you are really interested, the above means:"Be brief and don't use long words."
522
« on: January 17, 2010, 04:00:44 AM »
Please note that this Bank is installing new "Drive-through" cashier machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts. After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender:-
MALE PROCEDURE
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.
FEMALE PROCEDURE
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, wind the window down.
4. Find handbag, empty all contents onto passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell the person on your mobile phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write deposit amount in check book and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.
23. Give appropriate one-fingered hand signal to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
523
« on: January 17, 2010, 03:24:44 AM »
I dont agree to Punjabi lion's views posted under topic Life without Guys. Here is Why Women are like apples.
The best ones are at the top of the tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they sometimes take the apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy.
The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who is brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.
But men? They begin as grapes, and it's up to women to turn them into a wine good enough to have dinner with, before they turn into bitter old raisins.
Mebbe PUNJABI lion picked wrong apple :happy:
524
« on: January 17, 2010, 03:13:49 AM »
.
Nine Words Women Use
1. Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
2. Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the football before helping around the house.
3. Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
4. A Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer quickly to No 9 for the meaning of nothing.)
5. That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
6. Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot', which is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' - that will bring on No. 7).
7. Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying, Buzz Off!"
8. Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to No. 4.
9. Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in "Fine".
525
« on: January 17, 2010, 02:40:28 AM »
A cowboy named Bud
A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.
The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and a YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, “If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?”
Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, “Sure, Why not?”
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular BLUETOOTH cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, “You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.”
“That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,” says Bud.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then the Bud says to the young man, “Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?”
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, “Okay, why not?”
“You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government”, says Bud.
“Wow! That's correct,” says the yuppie, “but how did you guess that?”
“No guessing required.” answered the cowboy. “You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows ... this is a herd of sheep.”
“Now give me back my dog.”
526
« on: January 17, 2010, 02:26:03 AM »
A man dies and appears at The Pearly Gates.
"Have you ever done anything of particular merit? Have you exhibited courage?" St. Peter asks.
"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offers. "Once I came upon a group of bikers who were bothering a young woman. I told them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So I approached the largest and meanest looking one. I smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring and threw it on the ground. Then I told him, now get out of here."
St. Peter was visibly impressed. "When did this happen?"
"Just a few minutes ago."
527
« on: January 17, 2010, 02:23:28 AM »
Earl and Bubba are quietly sitting in a boat fishing, chewing and drinking beer when suddenly Bubba says, "I think I'm gonna divorce my wife - she ain't spoke to me in over 2 months."
Earl spits, sips his beer and says, "Better think it over - - - - women like that are hard to find."
528
« on: January 17, 2010, 02:07:32 AM »
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.
First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.
The optician showed him a card with the letters: 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z'.
”Can you read this?” the optician asked.
“Read it?” the Polish guy replied, “I know the guy.”
529
« on: January 17, 2010, 02:03:07 AM »
Bin Laden and Pres. George W. Bush agree to meet up in Afghanistan for the first round of talks in a new peace process. When George sits down, he notices three buttons on the arm of Bin Laden's chair. They begin talking.
After about five minutes Bin Laden presses the first button. A boxing glove springs out of a box on the desk and punches Bush in the face.
Annoyed, Bush carries on talking as Bin Laden laughs.
A few minutes later the second button is pressed. This time a big boot comes out and kicks Bush in the shin.
Again Bin Laden laughs, and again George carries on talking, not wanting to put off the bigger issue of peace between the two countries.
But when the third button is pressed and another boot comes out and kicks Bush square in the privates, he's finally had enough. "I'm headin' back home!" he calmly says. "We'll finish these talks in Washington in two weeks!"
A fortnight passes and Bin Laden flies to the United States for talks. As the two men sit down, Bin Laden notices three buttons on Bush's chair arm and prepares himself for the Texan's retaliation. They begin talking and George presses the first button. Bin Laden ducks, but nothing happens.
George snickers but they continue talking.
A few minutes later he presses the second button. Bin Laden jumps up, but again nothing happens. Bush roars with laughter.
They continue the talks but when the third button is pressed, Bin Laden jumps up again, but again nothing happen.
Bush falls on the floor in a fit of hysterics.
"Forget this," says Bin Laden. "I'm going back to Afghanistan!!"
George W. says, through tears of laughter, "What Afghanistan?"
530
« on: January 16, 2010, 11:21:02 PM »
A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, "I want to open a damn checking account."
To which the astonished woman replies, I beg your pardon, sir; I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"
"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to open a damn checking account right now!"
"I'm very sorry sir, but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank."
So saying, the teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to tell him about her situation.
They both return and the manager asks the old geezer, "What seems to be the problem here?"
"There's no friggin’ problem, dammit!" the man says; "I just won $50 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to open a damn checking account in this damn bank!"
"I see," says the manager, "and this bitch is giving you a hard time?
531
« on: January 16, 2010, 11:17:15 PM »
This is the best news any of us have had ... Ever! First, the Bad News: We're being invaded by Martians. And now, the Good News: They Eat Politicians and Pee Gasoline.
532
« on: January 16, 2010, 11:04:17 PM »
After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, New York scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion, that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.
Not to be out-done by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, in California an archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, headlines in the LA Times newspaper read: 'California archaeologists have found traces of 200 year old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers.'
One week later, a local newspaper in North Carolina, reported the following: After digging as deep as 30 feet in his pasture near Henson Cove, Haywood County North Carolina, Bubba Rathbone, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Bubba has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, North Carolina had already gone wireless.
533
« on: January 16, 2010, 09:40:56 PM »
In 2007, the economy was extremely robust. Less than 12 months later, the United States is facing a plunging stock market, record unemployment and total credit collapse. How, specifically did this happen?
534
« on: January 16, 2010, 08:22:07 PM »
It doesn't seem possible, but photographer Magnus Muhr has discovered a disgusting, but hilarious use for dead flies.
535
« on: January 16, 2010, 08:06:33 PM »
THE 9 BABY
Henry Michael Berendes (pictured below) arrived into the world in grand style and, although his only real achievement in life is simply being born, he is already a notable person just for that.
Born to Chuck and Polly Berendes of La Crosse, Wisconsin, little Henry was delivered at 9:09 a.m. by Cesarean section at Franciscan Skemp Medical Center on September 9, 2009 making his exact birth date 9.9.09 at 9:09.
Following his arrival, Michael was placed on a scale where the funny coincidence of his birth became more of a minor miracle. Henry Michael Berendes, born on 9.9.09 at 9:09 pm weighed in at 9 pounds, 9 ounces.
Welcome to this beautiful curious world, Michael.
536
« on: January 16, 2010, 08:01:12 PM »
Intrepid Chinese farmer, Gao Xianzhange, is growing pears in the shape of a baby Buddha!
Gao spent seven years creating and perfecting the mold that the pears grow inside and into, shaping them into the deity. The fruits of his labor, sold in Asia and Europe, run a hefty £5 per pear. Since he has produced 10,000 fruits during this season at the time of this writing, it appears that Gao's Buddhas are indeed very lucky!
537
« on: January 16, 2010, 07:54:53 PM »
These pictures were allegedly taken at Cloudbreak in Australia and shows a very large goanna being devoured by an equally large but very determined snake. According to the report, it took five hours for the snake to finish her snack and, since she was dining in the middle of a roadway, people in the area were kind enough to place signs up so that no one would inadvertently interrupt her meal by running her over.
538
« on: January 16, 2010, 07:31:49 PM »
The madness of love
Is a blessed fate;
And if we understood this
We would seek no other:
It brings into unity
What was divided,
And this is the truth:
Bitterness it makes sweet,
It makes the stranger a neighbor,
And what was lowly it raises on high.
edited topic title from mandess to madness. - Mano
539
« on: January 16, 2010, 07:22:06 PM »
Destroyed:Residents pass by collapsed buildings-only a cross remain standing Stunned:A woman crouches among the rubble in Port-au-Prince Landslide:Many poorly constructed homes were simply swept away by the magnitude of quake A large section of Haiti's national palace was destroyed in the earthquake Poverty stricken:A woman lies on ground as others stand outside a market that collapsed when earth quake struck Homeless:Hundred spent the night at Place Boyer in Petion-ville as aftershocks continued to decimate the regions Reduced to rubble:Hotel Villa Creole in Port-au-Prince, Haiti crumbled People in Port-au-Prince deseparately search for survivors following the quake Rescue:A wp,amis pulled rom the ruins by two rescuers. Many had been forced to dig with their bare hands
540
« on: January 15, 2010, 10:07:44 PM »
We can’t imagine the marketing meeting during which some one pitches the concept for a toilet-themed restaurant and the others in the meeting agreeing that it’s a good idea. And yet presumably such a meeting has happened. More than once.
There are at least 20 (!) restaurants on planet Earth where toilets, urinals and potty talk are the central attraction. Five of those have opened in 2009 alone and at least ten more are planned for 2010, most in either China or Taiwan. Let’s get you going with an overview of some of the world’s crappy dinning experiences in Taiwan, Hong Kong, Germany and Portugal
Pages: 1 ... 22 23 24 25 26 [27] 28 29 30 31 32 ... 63
|
Show Posts
