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Topics - SonnenKinder
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1141
« on: November 13, 2009, 05:09:05 PM »
A man comes home to find his wife packing her bags. “Where are you going?” he asked.
“To Las Vegas! I found out that there are men that will pay me $400 to do what I do for you for free!”
The man pondered that thought for a moment, and then began packing HIS bags. “What do you think you are doing?” she screamed.
“Going to Las Vegas with you… I want to see how you live on $800 a year!”
1142
« on: November 13, 2009, 05:01:33 PM »
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it’s a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, “Wow, just look at our cars! There’s nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days.”
The man replied, “I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!”
The woman continued, “And look at this, here’s another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn’t break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.”
Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, drinks half the bottle, and extends it back to the woman.
Politely, the woman refuses to accept the bottle.
The man asks, “Aren’t you having any?”
The woman replies, “No. I think I’ll just wait for the police…”
1143
« on: November 13, 2009, 04:51:58 PM »
“Ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me. She got me to stop drinking, smoking and running around until all hours of the night. She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music, even how to invest in the stock market,” said the man.
“Sounds like you may be bitter because she changed you so drastically,” remarked his friend.
“I’m not bitter. Now that I’m so improved, she just isn’t good enough for me.”
1144
« on: November 13, 2009, 04:42:42 PM »
A young man finds the woman of his dreams and asks her to marry him. He
tells his mother he wants her to meet his fiance, but he wants to make a
bit of a game out of it. He says he’ll bring the girl over with two other
women and see if his mother can guess which is the one he wants to marry.
His mother agrees to the game.
That night, he shows up at his mother’s house with three beautiful young
ladies. They all sit down on the couch, and everyone has a wonderful
evening talking and getting to know each other.
At the end of the evening, the young man asks his mother, ‘OK, Mom, which
one is the woman I want to marry?’
Without any hesitation at all, his mother replies, ‘The one in the middle.’
The young man is astounded. ‘How in the world did you figure it out?’
‘Easy,’ she says. ‘I don’t like her.’
1145
« on: November 13, 2009, 04:31:14 PM »
A young Programmer and his Project Manager board a train headed through the mountains on its way to Wichita. They can find no place to sit except for two seats right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother. After a while, it is obvious that the young woman and the young programmer are interested in each other, because they are giving each other looks. Soon the train passes into a tunnel and it is pitch black. There is a sound of a kiss followed by the sound of a slap.
When the train emerges from the tunnel, the four sit there without saying a word. The grandmother is thinking to herself, “It was very brash for that young man to kiss my granddaughter, but I’m glad she slapped him.”
The Project manager is sitting there thinking, “I didn’t know the young tech was brave enough to kiss the girl, but I sure wish she hadn’t missed him when she slapped me!”
The young woman was sitting and thinking, “I’m glad the guy kissed me, but I wish my grandmother had not slapped him!”
The young programmer sat there with a satisfied smile on his face. He thought to himself, “Life is good. How often does a guy have the chance to kiss a beautiful girl and slap his Project manager all at the same time!”
1146
« on: November 13, 2009, 10:18:47 AM »
LOVE......................when your eyes meet across a crowded room.
LUST.......................when your tongues meet across a crowded room.
MARRIAGE............when your belt won't meet around your waist, and you don't care.
LOVE......................when you argue over how many children to have.
LUST.......................when you argue over who gets the wet spot.
MARRIAGE............when you argue over money.
LOVE......................when you share everything you own.
LUST.......................when you think twice about giving your partner bus money or money for any reason.
MARRIAGE............when the bank owns everything.
LOVE......................when you phone each other just to say "Good day".
LUST.......................when you phone each other just to organize s**
MARRIAGE............when you phone each other to find out what time your son's game starts.
LOVE......................when you write poems about your partner.
LUST.......................when all you write is your phone number.
MARRIAGE............when all you write is checks.
LOVE......................when you show concern for your partners' feelings.
LUST.......................when you couldn't give a shit.
MARRIAGE............when your only concern is what's on TV.
LOVE......................when your farewell is "I love you darling.."
LUST.......................when your farewell is "So, same time next week?"
MARRIAGE............when your farewell is silent.
LOVE......................when you are proud to be seen in public with your partner.
LUST.......................when you only ever see each other in the bedroom.
MARRIAGE............when you never see each other awake.
LOVE......................when nobody else matters.
LUST.......................when nobody else knows.
MARRIAGE............when everybody else matters and you don't care who knows.
LOVE......................when all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you feel.
LUST.......................when it's just the same mushy old shit.
MARRIAGE............when you never listen tO MUSIC
LOVE......................when breaking up is something you try not to think about.
LUST.......................when staying together is something you try not to think about.
MARRIAGE............when just getting through today is your only thought.
LOVE......................when you're interested in everything your partner does.
LUST.......................when you're only interested in one thing.
MARRIAGE............when you're not interested in what your partner does and the one thing you're interested in is your sports score.
Remember, this is a joke. You can still be in love and with lust in marriage.
1147
« on: November 13, 2009, 09:55:48 AM »
A frog telephoned the Psychic Hot line and was told, "You are going to meet a beautiful young woman who will want to know everything about you."
The frog said, "that`s great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?"
"No," said the psychic, "next semester in her biology class."
1148
« on: November 13, 2009, 09:39:34 AM »
No wonder teachers go "crazy" with children...
TEACHER: Why are you late? WEBSTER: Because of the sign. TEACHER: What sign? WEBSTER: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
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TEACHER: Cindy, why are you doing your maths sums on the floor? CINDY: You told me to do it without using tables!
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TEACHER: John, how do you spell "crocodile"? JOHN: "K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L" TEACHER: No, that's wrong JOHN: Maybe it's wrong, but you ask me how I spell it!
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TEACHER: What is the chemical formula for water? SARAH: "HIJKLMNO"!! TEACHER: What are you talking about? SARAH: Yesterday you said it's H to O!
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TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North America. GEORGE: Here it is! TEACHER: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America? CLASS: George!
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TEACHER: Willy, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago. WILLY: Me!
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TEACHER: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty? TOMMY: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
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SILVIA: Dad, can you write in the dark? FATHER: I think so. What do you want me to write? SYLVIA: Your name on this report card.
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TEACHER: How can you prevent diseases caused by biting insects? JOSE: Don't bite any.
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TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I". ELLEN: I is... TEACHER: No, Ellen. Always say, "I am." ELLEN: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
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Teacher: "George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't punish him?" Johnny : "Because George still had the axe in his hand."
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Son : Daddy, have you ever been to Egypt? Father : No. Why do you ask that? Son : Well, where did you get THIS mummy then?
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Teacher : What a pair of strange socks you are wearing, one is green and one is blue with red spots! Kirk : Yes it's really strange. I've got another pair of the same at home.
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At a church school gathering, one little old lady approached a cute
5-year-old girl and asked her where she got her good looks. "I musta got 'em from my Daddy," said the little girl, "'cause Mommy's still got hers."
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Teacher: Desmond, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did u copy his? Desmond: No, teacher, it's the same dog!
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Teacher: What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested? Pupil : A teacher.
1149
« on: November 13, 2009, 09:32:26 AM »
Sam : I hate to see a girl standing in a bus when I am comfortable seated.
Lily: So what do you do?
Sam : I close my eyes.
1150
« on: November 13, 2009, 06:17:19 AM »
Like post "Quote of the Day" I want to start a new thread "100 movie quotes". As topic suggests, these are famous quotes from Hollywood movies spread over 100 years. Please suggest me a suitable forum for this post.
Thanks
1151
« on: November 13, 2009, 06:03:15 AM »
How do you talk to your angels? Sometimes it sounds like a whisper. Other times it is more of a “feeling” that you should do something, or call someone. We all receive angel messages all the time. Receiving angel messages is about being sensitive and noticing any sensations or impressions. Your angels are smart and they are going to choose to give you messages in the way that communicates with you the very best.  The most important thing about angel messages is to be aware and open to receive an angel message. If you are open to receive the message, you are more than doing your part. Then simply be aware and notice if you are seeing or having any impressions that could be an angel message. Over time you will become quite used to your angels’ messages and how they communicate with you.
1152
« on: November 12, 2009, 05:21:14 PM »
Although he always ordered just ham and eggs everyday, one customer at the diner always studied the menu carefully each day before ordering.
One day his regular waitress decided to see if he could be made to order anything else. Before giving him the menu she marked out the ham and eggs entry.
After waiting a few minutes she asked, "Did you notice, sir, that I scratched something that you like?"
Without looking up from the menu, he replied, "So go wash your hands and bring me some ham and eggs."
1153
« on: November 12, 2009, 05:16:20 PM »
A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.
"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."
The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech, "And what if I swallow it?"
"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."
1154
« on: November 12, 2009, 05:13:52 PM »
BEFORE TAKE OFF:
"To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. Actually, it works just like every other seat belt on the planet. If you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."
and:
"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, or someone who is acting like a small child, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two such persons, decide now which one you love more."
SHORTLY BEFORE ARRIVAL:
"Weather at our destination is 50 degrees, with some broken clouds; but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your travel money, more than this airline."
ON THE GROUND, AFTER AN EXCEEDINGLY BUMPY LANDING:
"Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash' and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."
ON ARRIVAL:
"We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at this airline."
1155
« on: November 12, 2009, 04:59:31 PM »
A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. Afterward the doctor comes out with the results. "I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says. "You're dying, and you don't have much time left."
"Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "How long have I got?"
"Ten," the doctor says sadly.
"Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!"
"Nine..."
1156
« on: November 12, 2009, 04:52:19 PM »
A rich girl and a poor boy fall in love and decide to marry.
The girl's father is strongly against such a decision, but
after a long argument, the daughter finally gets her way.
The father agrees that the two can marry, but he insists
on meeting the man before the date is set. His daughter
agrees and invites her fiance over for dinner.
_____________________________________________
Dinner goes well. Then, afterwards, the father invites
his future son-in-law into the study. The father asks him
what he does for a living, to which the boy replies, "I am
a religious man; I study the Testaments."
_____________________________________________
The father then asks, "How are you going to support my
daughter's high living standard."
The boy replies, "I will study, and God will provide."
The father, now losing his patience asks, "How will you
afford a nice place to live?"
The boy again replies, "I will study, and God will provide."
For over an hour, the questioning continued and the same answers were
heard, "I will study, and God will provide."
The interrogation finally ends. The happy couple express
their thanks for the lovely meal, and then leave.
Later in the evening, the wife asks her husband how his
discussion with their daughter's boyfriend went.
The father replies, "Well, there's good news and bad
news. The bad news is that the boy has no job, no
money, and no chance of ever providing for our daughter."
The mother then says, "Certainly there must be some good news!"
The father replies, "The boy thinks I'm God."
1157
« on: November 12, 2009, 04:45:16 PM »
A guy is driving down a deserted highway. He pulls up to an intersection, and rolls through the stop sign. From out of nowhere, a cop pulls him over.
COP: "Do you know why I pulled you over?"
GUY: "Hey, I slowed down didn't I???"
COP: "You must come to a full stop at the sign."
GUY: "Stop. Slow down. What's the difference?"
The cop pulls out his baton and starts to beat the guy with-out mercy.
COP: "Well, do you want me to STOP or SLOW DOWN?"
1158
« on: November 12, 2009, 04:36:03 PM »
One sunny day in Ireland, two men were sitting in a pub, drinking some Guinness, when one turns to the other and says "You see that man over there? He looks just like me! I think I'm gonna go over there and talk to him."
So, he goes over to the man and taps him on the shoulder. "Excuse me sir," he starts, "but I noticed you look just like me!" The second man turns around and says "Yeah, I noticed the same thing, where you from?",
"I'm from Dublin", second man stunned says, "Me too! What street do you live on?", "McCarthy street", second man replies, "Me too! What number is it?", the first man announces, "162", second man shocked says, "Me too! What are your parents names?", first man replies, "Connor and Shannon", second man awestruck says, "Mine too! This is unbelievable!"
So, they buy some more Guinness and they're talking some more when the bartenders change shifts. The new bartender comes in and goes up to the other bartender and asks "What's new today?" "Oh, the Murphy twins are drunk again."
1159
« on: November 12, 2009, 03:36:22 AM »
Walking through Chinatown, a tourist is fascinated with all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and banners. He turns a corner and sees a building with the sign, "Hans Olaffsen's Laundry."
"Hans Olaffsen?", he muses. "How the heck does that fit in here?"
So he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman behind the counter.
The tourist asks, "How did this place get a name like "Hans Olaffsen's Laundry?"
The old man answers, "Is name of owner."
The tourist asks, "Well, who and where is the owner?"
"Me, is right here," replies the old man.
"You? How did you ever get a name like Hans Olaffsen?"
"Is simple," says the old man. "Many, many year ago when come to this country, was stand in line at Documentation Center. Man in front was big blonde Swede. Lady look at him and go, 'What your name?' He say, 'Hans Olaffsen.' Then she look at me and go, 'What your name?' I say, 'Sem Ting.'"
1160
« on: November 12, 2009, 03:22:06 AM »
An old man was lying in his death bed upstairs. His most
favorite food in the world was chocolate chip cookies. As he lay
there, gasping for each breath, he was sure he could smell
freshly-baked chocolate chip cookies. He crawled out of bed and
slowly limped down the stairs. Sure enough, across the kitchen,
there was a huge platter of chocolate chip cookies on the table.
He finally made it to the table and he reached a shaking
hand towards the cookies. Suddenly, his wife slapped his hand
sharply and yelled, "DON'T TOUCH THOSE-they're for the funeral!"
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