Have you heard of Mr. Beans applying to a medical school to become a doctor?


Needless to say he never made it. You know why?


These are the answers he wrote in his entrance exam.


************


Antibody - against everyone

Artery - The study of the paintings.

Bacteria - back door to a cafeteria.

Caesarean section - a district in Rome.

Cardiology - advance study of poker playing.

Cat scan - searching for lost kitty.

Chronic - neck of a crow.

Coma - punctuation mark.

Cortisone - area around local court.

Cyst - short for sister.

Diagnosis - person with slanted nose.

Dilate - the late British Princess Diana.

Dislocation - in this place.

Duodenum - couple in blue jeans.

Enema - not a friend.

Fake labour - pretending to work.

Genes - blue denim.

Hernia - she is close by.

Impotent - distinguished/well known.

Labour pain - hurt at work.

Lactose - people without toes.

Lymph - walk unsteadily.

Microbes - small dressing gown.

Obesity - city of Obe.

Pacemaker - winner of Nobel peace prize.

Proteins - in favour of teens.

Pulse - grain.

Pus - small cat.

Red blood count - Dracula.

Secretion - hiding anything.

Tablet - small table.

Ultrasound - radical noise.

Urine - opposite of you're out.

Varicose - very close.

Want to propose a girl
Just do it - Nike


*************


Before going to propose to a girl
Believe in the best - BPL.


*************


If you are hesitating before proposing to a girl
Vicks ki goli lo kich kich door karo -


*************


If you are going to propose to a girl
Chances are 50-50 - Britannia.


*************


If a girl slapped you when you proposed to her
Take it easy - Limca.


*************


Girl says NO !
Jor ka jhatka dhire se lage - Mirinda.


*************


Those who succeed in love always say
We dream because we do - Daewoo.


*************


If some one wants to write a love letter to his girlfriend
Likho script apna apna.- Rotomac.


*************


If you love someone
Go get it - Visa power.


*************


Boy riding a bike with neighbor's girl
Neighbors envy owner's pride - Onida.


*************


Not satisfied with your date
Yeh dil mangey more - Pepsi.


*************


A guy having a number of girl friends
The Complete Man - Raymonds.


*************


A smart girl having a number of boyfriends
Yeh hai hamara suraksha chakra - Colgate.


*************


For those lost in love
Har shaam ka sathi main aur mera - Bagpiper Whisky.


*************


For a guy or a gal who hasn't yet found one
Dhoondte rehe jayo ge - Surf Excel


*************

Little Melissa comes home from first grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Christmas. "Since Christmas is a Christian holiday and we're Jewish," she asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a Christmas card?"

Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says, "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a card to?"

"Osama Bin Laden," she says.

"Why Osama Bin Laden," her father asks in shock.

"Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl would have enough love to give Osama a Christmas card, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And, if other kids saw what I did and if they send Christmas cards to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."

Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with newfound pride. "Melissa, that's the most wonderful idea I've ever heard."

"I know," Melissa says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could blow his brains out."

 

If Indian Movies Were Released by Microsoft..


the names of movies shall be as follows:-


    *       Munna Bhai MCSE
       
    *       Kal MSN Ho Na Ho
       
    *       Love in IRC
       
    *      Tere Nick
       
    *       ID Mil Gaya
       
    *       Chat To Kero
       
    *       Ek Programmer Thi
       
    *       Yeh Hack Horaha Hai
       
    *       Hum Pyar PC Se Kar Baithe
       
    *       Network Ke Us Paar
       
    *       Meri Disc Tumhare Paas Hai
       
    *       Aao Chat Kare
       
    *       C++ Wale Job Le Jayenge
       
    *       Programmer No.1
       
    *       Mera Naam Developer
       
    *       Hum Apke Memory Mein Rahate Hein
       
    *       Do Processor, Baarah Terminal
       
    *       Tera Code Chal Gaya
       
    *       Har Din Jo Mail Karega
       
    *       Debugging Koi Khel Nahi
       
    *       Jish Desh Mein Bill Gates Rehtha Hai
       
    *       Raju Ban Gaya MCSD
       
    *       Client Ek Numbari
       
    *       C ++Programmer Dus Numbari
       
    *       Login Karo Sajana
       
    *       Naukar PC Ka
       
    *       1942 -- A Bug Story
       
    *       Kaho Na Virus Hai
       
    *       Crash Se Crash Tak
       
    *       Haan Meine Bhi Debug Kiya Hai




 
 

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug."

Do you want a room with or without a view?



 

Some Very Clever Business Signs
   
1) At an Optometrist's office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

2) In a Restaurant window: "Don't stand there hungry. Come on in and get fed up."

3) In a Podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels."

4) On a Plumber's Shop: "We repair what your husband fixed."

5) On the trucks of a Plumbing Company: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call us."

6) Pizza Shop Slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one weak."

7) At a Tire Shop: "Invite us to your next blowout."

8) On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door: "Hello. Can we pick your nose?"

9) At a Towing company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

10) On an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."

11) In a Nonsmoking Area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and put you out."

12) On a Septic Tank Truck sign: "We're #1 in the #2 business."

13) On a Fence: "Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."

14) At a Car Dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet -- miss a car payment."

15) Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

16) At the Electric Company: "We would be delighted if you send in your payment. However, if you don't, you will be de-Lighted."

17) In the front yard of a Funeral Home: "Please drive carefully. We'll wait."


 

 * There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Rajnikant has allowed to live.

 * Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Rajnikant.

 * Rajnikant counted to infinity - twice.

 * When Rajnikant does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down. (God help me.. i cant take this anymore)

 * Rajnikant is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.

 * Rajnikant doesn't wear a watch, HE decides what time it is. (LOL)

 * Rajnikant gave Mona Lisa that smile.

 * Rajnikant can slam a revolving door.

 * There are no races, only countries of people Rajnikant has beaten to different shades of black and blue.

 * Rajnikant's house has no doors, only walls that he walks through.

 * Rajnikant can divide by zero.

 * Newton's Third Law is wrong: Although it states that for each action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, there is no force equal in reaction to a Rajnikant turnaround kick.

 * Rajnikant grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his own rage.

 * Archeologists unearthed an old English dictionary dating back to the year 1236. It defined "victim" as "one who has encountered Rajnikant"

 * If you Google search "Rajnikant getting kicked" you will generate zero results. It just doesn't happen.

 * Rajnikant can drink an entire gallon of milk in thirty-seven seconds.

 * Rajnikant doesn't bowl strikes, he just knocks down one pin and the other nine faint.

 * The Bermuda Triangle used to be the Bermuda Square, until Rajnikant kicked one of the corners off.

 * There are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, Rajnikant lives in Chennai.

 * Rajnikant once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.

 * James Cameron wanted Rajnikant to play the Terminator. However, upon reflection, he realized that would have turned his movie into a documentary, so he went with Arnold Schwarzenegger.

 * Thousands of years ago Rajnikant came across a bear. It was so terrified that it fled north into the arctic. It was also so terrified that all of its decedents now have white hair.


 

1. President Sonia Gandhi and prime minister Priyanka Gandhi receive Italy prime minister Rahul Gandhi.

2. Dhoom 17 ready for release.

3. I will play next world cup - Sachin Tendulkar

4. Salman, Vivek and Abhishek attend Aishwarya's 3rd marriage .

5. Abhi toh Mein jawan hoon - Dev Anand.

6. Petrol Rs.999

7. Kyunki Saas Bhi Kabhi Bahu Thi completed 2,50,000 episodes.

8. Coach Ganguly resigns, as India is knocked out of World Cup in 1st round after losing to Korea

9. Siddhu launches his own TV channal where he can speak and laugh for the whole day.

10. After giving 49 flop movie in a row himesh reshamiya is coming in hollywood romantic movie sequel titanic 3.



 

Presidnt(when he was in office) Bush went to a school to interact with children. After having a brief talk with the children he asked them if they had any question to ask him. One boy raised his hand.

Bush: whats your name?
John: John
Bush: whats your question?
John: Sir, i hv three questions.
1)Why did America attack Iraq without the approval of UNO?
2)Where is Osama?
3)Why does America support Pakistan so much?

Bush : You are an intelligent student John (just then the bell for recess rang)
Bush : Oh students we will continue after the recess is over.

After the recess

Bush : Ok children where were we? Yes so anybody wants to ask any question?
Peter raises his hand

Bush : What is your name?
Peter: Sir, I am Peter. I have 5 questions.

1)Why did america attack iraq with the permission of UNO?
2)Where is Osama?
3)Why do America support Pakistan so much?
4)Why did recess bell ring 20 minutes before the scheduled time?
5)Where is John?

Relationships
When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled “All Men Are Idiots”. Then she will get on with her life.

A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the break-up, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, “I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I’ll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you’re a total floozy. But I want you to know that there’s always a chance for us”. This is known as the “I Hate You / I Love You” drunken phone call, that 99% of all men have made at least once. There are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need; alas, these classes rarely prove effective.

Maturity
Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year-old females can function as adults. Most 17-year-old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out.

Handwriting
To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken- scratch. Women use scented, colored stationary and they dot their “i’s” with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their “p’s” and “g’s”. It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she’s dumping you, she’ll put a smiley face at the end of the note.

Bathrooms
A man has six items in his bathroom – a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman’s bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

Groceries
A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes to the store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a beer. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reached the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter that the Clampett’s car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.

Shoes
When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, and then slip on Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk. A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day.

Going Out
When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to go out. When a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she will be ready to go out, as soon as she finds her earring, finishes putting on her makeup…

Cats
Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren’t looking, men kick cats.

Dressing Up
A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail etc. A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.

Laundry
Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out and take his mountain of clothes to the laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by re-runs of old episodes of “Love, American Style.”

Socks
Men wear sensible socks. They wear standard white sweatsocks. Women wear strange socks. Socks that are cut way below the ankles, that have pictures of clouds on them, that have a big fuzzy ball on the back.

Nicknames
If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle get together for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle. But if Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Godzilla, Peanut-Brain and Useless.

Eating Out
… and when the check comes, Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack will each throw in $20 bills, even though it’s only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators.

Mirrors
Men are vain; they will always check themselves out in a mirror. Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface: mirrors, spoons, car windows, store windows, toasters, Joe Garagiola’s head.

The Telephone
Men see the telephone as a communication tool. They use the telephone to send short messages to other people. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.

Directions
If a woman is out driving, and she finds herself in unfamiliar surroundings, she will stop at a gas station and ask for directions. Men consider this to be a sign of weakness. Men will never stop and ask for directions. Men will drive in a circle for hours, all the while saying things like, “Looks like I’ve found a new way to get there.” and, “I know I’m in the general neighborhood. I recognize that 7-11 store.”

Toys
Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach the age of 11 or 12, they lose interest. Men never grow out of their obsession with toys. As they get older, their toys simply become more expensive and silly and impractical. Examples of men’s toys: little miniature TV’s. Car phones. Complicated juicers and blenders. Graphic equalizers. Small robots that serve cocktails on command. Video games. Anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at least 6 “D” batteries to operate.

Plants
A woman asks a man to water her plants while she is on vacation. The man waters the plants. The woman comes home five or six days later to an apartment full of dead plants. No one knows why this happens.

Cameras
Men take photography very seriously. They’ll shell out $4000 for state of the art equipment, and build dark rooms and take photography classes. Women purchase Kodak Instamatics. Of course women always end up taking better pictures.

Jewelry
Women look nice when they wear jewelry. A man can get away with wearing one ring and that’s it. Any more than that and he will look like a lounge singer.