The Perfect Husband

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a
bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker function and
begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: 'Hello'
WOMAN: 'Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?'
MAN: 'Yes'
WOMAN: 'I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat.
It's
only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?'
MAN: 'Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.'
WOMAN: 'I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2008
models. I saw one I really liked.'
MAN: 'How much?'
WOMAN: '$90,000
MAN: 'OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.
WOMAN: 'Great! Oh, and one more thing...the house I wanted last year is
back on the market. They're asking $950,000'
MAN: 'Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000. They will
probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand if it's really
a pretty good price.'

WOMAN: 'OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!'
MAN: 'Bye! I love you, too.'
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in
astonishment, mouths agape. He turns and asks: 'Anyone know who this
phone belongs to?'

______________________

Scenario 1

Two guys are fighting and a third guy comes along, then a fourth and
They start arguing about who's right.


You are in Kolkata

______________________

Scenario 2

Two guys are fighting and a third guy comes along, sees them and
walks on.

That's Mumbai

______________________

Scenario 3

Two guys are fighting and a third guy comes along & tries to make
peace.The first two get together & beat him up.

That's Delhi

______________________

Scenario 4

Two guys are fighting. A crowd gathers to watch. A guy comes along
And quietly opens a chai-stall

That's Ahmedabad.

______________________

Scenario 5

Two guys are fighting and a third guy comes he writes a software
Program to stop the fight. But the fight doesn't stop b'cos of a bug
in the program.

That's Bangalore

______________________

Scenario 6

Two guys are fighting. A crowd gathers to watch. A guy comes along
And quietly says that "AMMA" doesn't like all this nonsense. Peace
comes in.

That's Chennai.

______________________

Scenario 7

Two guys are fighting. Third guy comes along with a carton of beer.
All sit together drinking beer and abusing each other and all go home
being friends.

You are in Goa

______________________

Scenario 8

Two guys are fighting. Both of them take time out and call their
Friends on mobile. Now 50 guys are fighting.
.

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You are DEFINITELY IN a Punjab city  :)

______________________
 

Interviewer: Tell me about yourself.


Candidate: I am SAMEER GUPTA. I did my Tele Communication engineering from
BabanRao Dhole-Patil Institute of Technology.


Interviewer: BabanRao Dhole-Patil Institute of Technology? I had never heard
of this college before!


Candidate: Great! Even I had not heard of it before getting an admission
into it . What happened is - due to cricket world cup I scored badly! in 12th.I
was getting a paid seat in a good college. But my father said (I prefer to
call him 'baap') - "I can not invest so much of money".(The baap actually said
- "I will never waste so much of money on you"). So I had to join this
college. Frankly speaking this name - BabanRao Dhole-Patil, can at the most be
related to a Shetakari Mahavidyalaya.



Interviewer: ok, ok. It seems you have taken 6 years to complete your
engineering.


Candidate: Actually I tried my best to finish it in 4 years. But you
know, these cricket matches and football world cup, and tennis
tournaments. It is difficult to concentrate. So I flunked in 2nd and
3rd year. So in all I took 4 + 2 = 7 years.


Interviewer: But 4+2 is 6.


Candidate: Oh, is it? You know I always had KT in maths. But I will try
to keep this in mind. 4+2 is 6, good, thanks. These cricket matches
really affect exams a lot. I think they should ban it.


Interviewer: Good to know that you want cricket matches to be banned.


Candidate: No, no... I am talking about Exams!!


Interviewer: Ok, What is your biggest achievement in life?


Candidate: Obviously, completing my Engineering. My mom never thought I
would complete it. In fact, when i flunked in 3rd year, she was looking for a job
for me in BEST (Bus corporation in Maharashtra) through some relative.


Interviewer: Do you have any plans of higher study?


Candidate: he he he.. Are you kidding? Completing 'lower' education
itself was so much of pain!!


Interviewer: Let's talk about technical stuff. On which platforms have
you worked?


Candidate: Well, I work at SEEPZ, so you can say Andheri is my current
platform. Earlier I was at Vashi center. So Vashi was my platform then. As you can
see I have experience of different platforms! (Vashi and Andheri are the
places in Mumbai)


Interviewer: And which languages have you used?


Candidate: Marathi, Hindi, English. By the way, I can keep quiet in
German, French, Russian and many other languages.


Interviewer: Why VC is better than VB?


Candidate: It is a common sense - C comes after B. So VC is a higher
version than VB. I heard very soon they are coming up with a new
language VD!


Interviewer: Do you know anything about Assembly Language?


Candidate: Well, I have not heard of it. But I guess, this is the
language our ministers and MPs use in assembly.


Interviewer: What is your general project experience?


Candidate: My general experience about projects is - most of the times
they are in pipeline!


Interviewer: Can you tell me about your current job?


Candidate: Sure, Currently I am working for Bata InfoTech ltd. Since
joining BIL, I am on Bench. Before joining BIL, I used to think that
Bench was another software like Windows.


Interviewer: Do you have any project management experience?


Candidate: No, but I guess it shouldn't be difficult. I know Word and
Excel. I can talk a lot. I know how to dial for International phone call
and use speaker facility. And very important - I know few words like -
'Showstoppers ' , 'hotfixes',
'SEI-CMM','quality','versioncontrol','deadlines' , 'Customer
Satisfaction' etc. Also I can blame others for my mistakes!


Interviewer: What are your expectations from our company?



Candidate: Not much.

1. I should at least get 40,000 in hand.

2. I would like to work on a live EJB project. But it should not have
deadlines. I personally feel that pressure affects natural talent.

3. I believe in flexi-timings.

4. Dress code is against basic freedom, so I
would like to wear t-shirt and jeans.

5. We must have sat-sun off. I will suggest Wednesday off also, so as to
avoid breakdown due to overwork.

6. I would like to go abroad 3 times a year on short term
preferably 2-4 months) assignments. Personally I prefer US, Australia and
Europe. But considering the fact that there is a world cup in West Indies in
2007, I don't mind going there in that period. As you can see I am modest and
don't have many expectations. So can I assume my selection?



Interviewer: he he he ha ha ha. Thanks for your interest in our
organization. In fact I was never entertained so much before. Welcome to
INFOSYS .. :-))


No intention to offend anybody..

Shown below, is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by a 96 year old woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times.

 
 

Dear Sir:
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to
Pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have
Elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of
The funds needed to honor it.

I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my
Entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only
Eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of
Opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for
The inconvenience caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused
Me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I
Personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging prerecorded,faceless entity
Which your bank has be come.

From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh and blood
Person. My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no
Longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed
Personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must
Nominate. Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any
Other person to open such an envelope.

Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your
Chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in
Order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me,
There is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medicalHistory must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory Details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities)Must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she
Must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28
Digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses
Required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service.As
They say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press
Buttons as follows:

 
 

1. To make an appointment to see me
2. To query a missing payment.
3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there
4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home
7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is
Required. Password will be communicated to you at a later date to the
Authorized Contact.
8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.
9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put
On hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.

Uplifting music will play for the duration of the call. While this may, on
Occasion, involve a lengthy wait, Regrettably, but again following your
Example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of
This new arrangement. May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less
Prosperous New Year?

 


Your Humble Client

 

 

(Remember: This was written by a 96 year old woman )

A School Master from a remote rural area in Bihar was
transferred to a new School in Mumbai.


He reported for duty two days after the actual
date of joining.


Consequently he was asked for an explanation in
writing...

______________________________

Deer sur,


If small small mistakes getting inside my letter, I
big you pardon, ass I am not a good englis speaker.


This is my fist vijit to Bombai. Stickly speaking, I
wanted to joint your school more fastly,


but for the following region, too much time
lost in getting slipper reservation in three-tyre
compartment.


I tolded


I has head ache problem due to migration. Still the
clerk rejected to give ticket to I and my sun.


I putted a complain on station masterji.


He said I to go to the lady clerk.


At first she also rejected. I then pressed for long
time and finally with great difficulty


she gave a birth to my sun.


Anyway I thanked the station master also


because he was phully responsible for getting birth
of my sun.


Ass a hole it was a bhery diphicult experiment in my
hole life.


I hope u will look into explain my hole story after,
and late me joint first.


I am now ending this fastly. I am a waiter for
your responsement.


May God blast you!"


Yours awfully,


RAMKHILAWAN YADAV


 

Men are just simply happier people, and here is why...


Your last name stays put.


The garage is all yours.


Wedding plans take care of themselves.


Chocolate is just another snack.


You can be President. You can never be pregnant.


You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park.


Car Mechanics tell you the truth.


The world is your urinal.


You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.


You dont have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.


Same work, more pay.


Wrinkles add character.


Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.


People never stare at your chest when you are talking to them.


The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.


New shoes dont cut, blister, or mangle your feet.


One mood all the time.


Phone conservations are over in 30 seconds flat.


You know stuff about tanks.


A 5 day vacation requires only one suitcase.


You can open all of your own jars.


You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.


If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.


Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.


Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.


You never have strap problems in public.


You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.


Everything on your face stays its original color.


The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe even decades.


You only have to shave your face and neck.


You can play with toys all your life.


Your belly usually hides your big hips.


One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons.


You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.


You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.


You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.


You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.


No wonder men are happier!

 

Dearest Ms Juliet,


I am very happy to inform you that I have fallen in Love with you since the 14th of October (Sunday). With reference to the meeting held between us on the 27th of July. at 1500 hrs,


I would like to present myself as a prospective lover.


Our love affair would be on probation for a period of three months and depending on compatibility, would be made permanent.


Of course, upon completion of probation, there will be continuous on the job training and performance appraisal schemes leading up to promotion from lover to spouse.


The expenses incurred for coffee and entertainment would initially be shared equally between us. Later, based on your performance,


I might take up a larger share of the expenses.


However I am broadminded enough to be taken care of, on your expense account.


I request you to kindly respond within 30 days of receiving this letter, failing which, this offer would be cancelled without further notice and I shall be considering someone else.


I would be happy, if you could forward this letter to your sister, if you do not wish to take up this offer.



Thanking you in anticipation,


Yours sincerely,

Romeo ( HR Executive )

How the company views its employees. (HE vs SHE)

*********

1. The family picture is on HIS desk.                                                       
   Ah, a solid, responsible family man.


   The family picture is on HER desk.
   Umm, her family will come before her career.


*********


2. HIS desk is cluttered.
   He's obviously a hard worker and a busy man.


   HER desk is cluttered.
   She's obviously a disorganised scatterbrain


*********


3. HE is talking with his co-workers.
   He must be discussing the latest deal


   SHE is talking with her co-workers.
   She must be gossiping.


*********


4. HE's not at his desk. He must be at a meeting.


   SHE's not at her desk. She must be in the ladies' room.


*********


5. HE's not in the office. He's meeting with customers.


   SHE's not in the office. She must be out shopping.


*********


6. HE's having lunch with the boss. He's on his way up.


   SHE's having lunch with the boss. They must be having an affair.


*********


7. The boss criticised HIM. He'll improve his performance.


   The boss criticized HER. She'll be very upset.


*********


8. HE got an unfair deal. Did he get angry?


   SHE got an unfair deal. Did she cry?


*********


9. HE's going on a business trip. It's good for his career.


   SHE's going on a business trip. What does her husband say?


*********


10 . HE's leaving for a better job.
     He knows how to recognise a good opportunity.


     SHE's leaving for a better job.
     Women are not dependable
 

*********
 

A man wants to celebrate his wife's Birthday by throwing a party. So he goes to order a birthday cake.


The salesman asks him what message he wants to put on the cake.


Well he thinks for a while and says:


Let's put, "you are not getting older you are getting better".


The salesman asks, "How do you want me to put it?"


The man says, Well put "You are not getting older", at the top and "! You are getting better" at the bottom.


The real fun didn't start until the cake was opened the entire party watched the message decorated on the cake:


"You are not getting older at the top, you are getting better at the bottom".