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Topics - SonnenKinder
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1081
« on: November 18, 2009, 07:53:14 PM »
A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly , sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.
The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet , not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says , "Dark in here."
The man says , "Yes , it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No , thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK , how much?"
Boy - "$150"
Man - "Sold."
In the next few weeks , it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes , it is."
Boy - "I have a Wilson infielder's glove."
The lover , remembering the last time , asks the boy , "How much?"
Boy - "$350"
Man - "Highway robbery. Sold."
A few days later , the father says to the boy , "Grab your gloves , let's go outside and have a game of catch."
The boy says , "I can't , I sold my ball and my glove."
The father asks , "How much did you sell them for?"
The boy says , "$500"
The father says , "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that... that is way more than those two things cost.
I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your greed."
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says , "Dark in here."
The priest says , "Don't start that shit again , you're in my closet now.
1082
« on: November 18, 2009, 07:46:45 PM »
This is from an actual trial in the UK : A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus.
When She Noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated on Account of her condition.
She changed her seat and he seemed more amused.
She moved again and then on her third move he burst out laughing...................She had him arrested.
Then the case came before the court, the young man was asked why he acted in such a manner.
His reply was: When the lady boarded the bus I couldn't help noticing she was pregnant..
She sat under an advertisement, which read: 'Coming Soon: The Gold Dust Twins'.
I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving advertisement, which read: 'William's Stick Did The Trick'.
Then I could not control myself any longer when on the third move she sat under an advertisement, which read: 'Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident.'
THIS IS A REAL LIFE HAPPENING. IF SOMONE FINDS THIS JOKE OFFENSIVE. PLEASE ASK MODERATOR TO REMOVE IT.
The case was dismissed.........!!!!!!!!
1083
« on: November 18, 2009, 07:40:00 PM »
A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends sent him flowers for the occasion.
They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card,.... "Rest in Peace."
The owner was angry and called the florist to complain.
After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist replied,
"Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this: somewhere, there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying,... 'Congratulations for your new location!'"
1084
« on: November 18, 2009, 07:35:33 PM »
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.
The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed?
"Breast-fed,"she replied.
"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered. She did.
Doctor checked woman in a very professional manner.
Motioning to her to get dressed The doctor said, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk. "
"I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came."
1085
« on: November 18, 2009, 07:27:09 PM »
Officers at a military installation in U.S. were being lectured about a new computer. The training officer said the computer was able to withstand nuclear and chemical attacks.
Suddenly, he saw that one of the officers had a cup of coffee and yelled, "There will be no eating or drinking in this room! You'll have to get rid of that coffee."
The officer said meekly, "Sure, but why?"
"Because a coffee spill could ruin the keyboard."
1086
« on: November 18, 2009, 07:24:01 PM »
Bill's company made software to run a car.
Bill was taking a test ride of the car. Suddenly a truck came from opposite side.
Bill pressed ctrl+b to apply brakes.
A pop-up window appeared asking, "Are you sure you really want to stop?"
Before Bill could enter "Yes", there was a crash and the car caught fire.
In panic Bill forgot the password to open the door.
He started shouting "F1! F1!" but there was no computer professional present there to understand his screams.
Then he tried to come out through the car window-pane.
A message appeared on the screen, "An illegal function is performed.
All the window-panes of the car will be closed." Poor Bill died.
Messengers of death took away his soul and said to him, "You have never ever performed any good deeds in your life. You always stole the code from others. We are going to send you to hell."
Bill pleaded, "I am ready to go to hell but do provide me a computer, please."
Messengers of death smiled inwardly and permitted him a computer, but with no Alt, Ctrl and Delete keys on the keyboard.
1087
« on: November 18, 2009, 07:19:40 PM »
John was invited for dinner by a friend.
Every time he needed something, he preceded his request to his wife by calling her "Darling", "Sweet-heart", etc. etc.
His friend looked at him and said,
"That's really nice after all of these years you've been married to keep saying those little pet names." John replied, "Well, honestly speaking, I've just forgotten her name."
1088
« on: November 18, 2009, 07:02:33 PM »
Ahmed and Hamid are both beggars at several motorway services.
Ahmed drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage free house and has a lot of money to spend .
Hamid only brings in 2 to 3 pounds a day.
Hamid asks Ahmed how he manages to bring home a suitcase full of £10 notes every day.
Ahmed says, "Look at your sign - It says, 'I have no work, a wife and six kids to support.'
Britons who see that, do not feel as if they have accomplished anything by giving you money. You will still have no job and a large family. Now look at my sign."
So Hamid looks and Ahmed's sign reads, 'I only need another £10 to move back to Pakistan.'
1089
« on: November 17, 2009, 10:41:37 PM »
President Bush was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked the President if he would like to lead the discussion on the word "tragedy".
So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a "tragedy".
One little boy stood up and offered:
"If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy."
"No," said Bush, "that would be an accident."
A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not," explained the president. "That's what we would call a great loss."
The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Bush
searched the room.
"Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally at the back of the room a small boy raised his hand.
In a quiet voice he said: "If Air Force One carrying You and Mrs. Bush was struck by a "friendly fire" missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy."
Fantastic!" exclaimed Bush. "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?"
"Well," says the boy, "It has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be an accident either."
1090
« on: November 17, 2009, 10:37:48 PM »
An office manager was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them one question and their answer would determine who would get the job. The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the interviewer asked "What is the fastest thing you know of?" pointing to the man on his right. The first man replied "A thought. It pops into your head. There's no forewarning that it's on the way, it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of." "That's very good!" replied the interviewer. "And now you sir?" He asked the second man. "Hmm.... let me see, A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know it ever happened. A blink is the fastest thing I know of." "Excellent!" said the interviewer "The blink of an eye. That's a very popular cliché for speed." as he turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply. "Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch, when you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light at the barn comes on in an instant." Turning on a light is the fastest thing I can think of." The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light." he said. Turning to the fourth man, he posed the question. "After hearing the three previous answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is diarrhea." "WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response. "Oh I can explain." said the fourth man. "You see the other day I wasn't feeling so good and I ran for the bathroom. But, before I could think, blink, or turn on the light, I'd shit in my pants!" He got the job!
1091
« on: November 17, 2009, 10:28:02 PM »
TOP 10 REASONS WHY SOME MEN FAVOR HANDGUNS OVER WOMEN
10 - YOU CAN TRADE IN AN OLD 44 FOR A NEW 22, NO QUESTIONS ASKED.
9 - YOU CAN KEEP ONE HANDGUN AT HOME, AND HAVE ANOTHER FOR WHEN YOU'RE
ON THE ROAD.
8 - IF YOU ADMIRE A FRIEND'S HANDGUN AND TELL HIM SO, HE WILL PROBABLY
LET YOU TRY IT OUT A FEW TIMES.
7 - YOUR PRIMARY HANDGUN DOESN'T MIND IF YOU KEEP ANOTHER HANDGUN FOR A
BACK UP.
6 - YOUR HANDGUN WILL STAY WITH YOU EVEN IF YOU RUN OUT OF AMMO.
5 - A HANDGUN DOESN'T TAKE UP A LOT OF CLOSET SPACE.
4 - HANDGUNS FUNCTION NORMALLY EVERY DAY OF THE MONTH.
3 - A HANDGUN DOESN'T ASK, "DO THESE NEW GRIPS MAKE ME LOOK FAT?"
2 - A HANDGUN DOESN'T MIND IF YOU GO TO SLEEP AFTER YOU USE IT.
and the number one reason a handgun is favored over a woman
#1 - YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A HANDGUN!
1092
« on: November 17, 2009, 06:54:27 PM »
Two young girl while on their way to college were talking to eachother
-kudi no. 1 : yaar samjh ni aandi, eho munde apas vich ki galla karde?
-kudi no. 2 : ohi galla, jheria asi kuria kardia. hor koi nawi gal tora karde oho
-kudi no. 1 : haye oye rabba, kinne besharam hunde munde.
1093
« on: November 17, 2009, 06:51:44 PM »
A pissed-off wife was complaining about her husband spending all his free time in a bar, so one night he took her along with him. "What'll you have?" he asked.
"Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose," she replied.
So, the husband ordered beer and threw his down in one shot.
His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out. "Yuck, that's TERRIBLE!" she spluttered, "I don't know how you can drink this stuff!"
"Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!"
1094
« on: November 17, 2009, 06:35:00 PM »
A young woman was worried about her stress-related habit of biting her fingernails down to the quick,
so her friend advised her to take up yoga. She did, and soon her fingernails were growing normally.
Her friend asked her if yoga had totally cured her nervousness.
"No", she replied, "but now I can reach my toenails so I bite them instead."
1095
« on: November 17, 2009, 06:29:24 PM »
A man was talking to his friend at the bar.
The friend said "Did you know that 9 out of 10 women with brown eyes cheat on their husbands?"
"No, I didn't know that." The man replied.
"So what color are your wife's eyes?" asked the friend.
The man replied, "I'm too drunk to remember. Geez, I better go home and find out."
So the man hurries home to find his wife in bed and asleep. The man carefully lifts his wife's eyelid and exclaims, "Oh my God! Brown!"
Suddenly, another man pops out from under the covers and exclaims, "How the hell did you know I was here?"
1096
« on: November 17, 2009, 06:22:06 PM »
Young Man: Sir, may I know the time, please?
Old Man: Certainly not.
Young Man: Sir, but why? What are you going to lose,if
you tell me the time?
Old Man: Yes, I may lose something if I tell you the time.
Young Man: But Sir, can you tell me how?
Old Man : See, if I tell you the time you will definitely thank me and may be tomorrow again you will ask me the time.
Young Man: Quite possible.
Old Man: May be we meet two three times more and you will ask my name and address.
Young Man: Quite possible.
Old Man: One day you may come to my house saying you were just passing by and came into wish me. Then as a courtsey, I will offer you a cup of tea. After my courteous approach you will try to come again.This time you will appreciate tea and ask who has made it.?
Young Man: Possible
Old Man: Then I will tell you that my daughter has and I will then have to introduce my young and pretty daughter to you & you will admire my daughter.
Young Man: Smiles. ;)
Old Man: Now onwards you will try to meet my daughter again and again. You will offer her to go out for a movie together and a date with you.
Young Man: Smiles
Old Man: My daughter may start liking you and start waiting for you. After meeting regularly you will fall in love with her and propose her for marriage.
Young Man: Smiles
Old Man: One day both of you will come to me and tell me about your love and ask for my permission.
Young Man: Oh Yes! And smiles
Old Man: (Angrily) Young man, I will never marry my daughter to a person like you who does not even own a watch.
1097
« on: November 17, 2009, 06:18:12 PM »
CREATE PROCEDURE MyMarriage
BrideGroom Male (25),
Bride Female(20) AS
BEGIN
SELECT Bride FROM india_ Brides
WHERE FatherInLaw = 'Millionaire' AND Count(Car) > 10 AND
HouseStatus = 'ThreeStoreyed'
AND BrideEduStatus IN (B.TECH ,BE ,Degree ,MCA ,MiBA) AND Having
Brothers = Null AND Sisters = Null
SELECT Gold, Cash, Car, BankBalance FROM FatherInLaw UPDATE MyBankAccout SET MyBal = MyBal + FatherInLawBal UPDATE MyLocker SET MyLockerContents = MyLockerContents + FatherInLawGold INSERT INTO MyCarShed VALUES ('BMW') END GO
Then the Bride writes the below query:
DROP HUSBAND;
Commit
1098
« on: November 17, 2009, 06:11:18 PM »
A blond named Barbara appeared on Who Wants to be a Millionaire. ...
Regis: "Barbara, you've done very well so far, $500,000 and one lifeline left--phone a friend. The next question will give you the first ever million dollars if you get it right.... but if you get it wrong you will drop back to $32,000...are you ready?"
Barbara: "Sure I'll have a go."
Regis: "Which of the following birds does not build its own nest? Is it...A-Robin, B-Sparrow, C-Cuckoo or D-Thrush Remember, Barbara, it's worth 1 million dollars."
Barbara: "Oh, gees, that's simple.... it’s a cuckoo.."
Regis: "You're sure? You can stick on $500,000 or play on for the million."
Barbara: "I want to play; I'll go with C-Cuckoo."
Regis: "Is that your final answer?"
Barbara: "It is"
Regis: "Are you confident?"
Barbara: "Absolutely"
Regis: "Barbara, you had $500,000 and you said C-Cuckoo. Well....you' re right! You have just won 1 MILLION DOLLARS!!!! Here is your check. You have been a great contestant and a real gambler. Audience please put your hands together for Barbara."
That night Barbara calls her friend Carol and they go to a local bar for a celebration drink.
As they are sipping champagne, Carol turns to Barbara and asks, "Tell me, how in God's name did you know that it was the cuckoo that does not build its own nest?" "Get real!"
Barbara replies, "Everybody knows cuckoos live in clocks!"
1099
« on: November 17, 2009, 06:07:18 PM »
A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and all of us eat it. Can anyone here tell me what lethal product I'm referring to?.. You, sir, in the first row, please give us your idea."
The man lowered his head and said, "Wedding cake."
1100
« on: November 17, 2009, 05:57:54 PM »
The Maid asked for a pay raise.
Madam was very upset about this and asked:
-'Now Maria, why do you want an increase?'
-Maria: 'Well Madam, there are three reasons why I want an increase. The first is that I iron better than you .
-' Madam: 'Who said you iron better than me?
-'Maria: 'The Master said so.
-'Madam: 'Oh.
-'Maria. 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.
-' Madam: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than I?
-'Maria: 'The Master did.’ Madam.
-'Maria: 'My third reason is that I am a better lover than you.
-' Madam (very upset now): 'Did the Master say so as well?
-'Maria: 'No Madam, the chauffeur did.
'SHE GOT THE PAY RAISE
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