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Topics - SonnenKinder
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1061
« on: November 19, 2009, 06:36:25 PM »
Costello calls Abbott with some questions about UNIX:
Costello: What is the command that will tell me the revision code of a
program?
Abbott: Yes, that’s correct.
Costello: No, what is it?
Abbott: Yes.
Costello: So, which is the one?
Abbott: No. ‘which’ is used to find the program.
Costello: Stop this. Who are you?
Abbott: Use ‘who am i’ not ‘who r yoo’. You can also ‘finger yoo’ to get
information about ‘yoo’.
Costello: All I want to know is what finds the revision code?
Abbott: Use ‘what’.
Costello: That’s what I am trying to find out. Isn’t that true?
Abbott: No. ‘true’ gives you 0.
Costello: Which one?
Abbott: ‘true’ gives you 0. ‘which programname’
Costello: Let’s get back to my problem. What program? How do I find it?
Abbott: Type ‘find / -name it -print’ to find ‘it’. Type ‘what program’ to
get the revision code.
Costello: I want to find the revision code.
Abbott: You can’t ‘find revisioncode’, you must use ‘what program’.
Costello: Which command will do what I need?
Abbott: No. ‘which command’ will find ‘command’.
Costello: I think I understand. Let me write that.
Abbott: You can ‘write that’ only if ‘that’ is a user on your system.
Costello: Write what?
Abbott: No. ‘write that’. ‘what program’.
Costello: Cut that out!
Abbott: Yes. those are valid files for ‘cut’. Don’t forget the options.
Costello: Do you always do this?
Abbott: ‘du’ will give you disk usage.
Costello: HELP!
Abbott: ‘help’ is only used for Source Code Control System (SCCS).
Costello: You make me angry.
Abbott: No, I don’t ‘make me’ angry but I did ‘make programname’ when I was
upset once.
Costello: I don’t want to make trouble, so no more.
Abbott: No ‘more’? ‘which’ will help you find ‘more’. Every system has
‘more’.
Costello: Nice help! I’m confused more now!
Abbott: Understand that since ‘help’ is such a small program, it is better
not to ‘nice help’. and ‘more now’ is not allowed but ‘at now’ is. Unless
of course ‘now’ is a file name.
Costello: This is almost as confusing as my PC.
Abbott: I didn’t know you needed help with ‘pc’. Let me get you to the
Pascal compiler team.
1062
« on: November 19, 2009, 06:18:55 PM »
A Software Engineer, a Hardware Engineer and a Branch Manager were on their way to a meeting. They were driving down a steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes on their car failed. The car careened almost out of control down the road, bouncing off the crash barriers, until it miraculously ground to a halt scraping along the mountainside. The car’s occupants, shaken but unhurt, now had a problem: they were stuck halfway down a mountain in a car with no brakes. What were they to do?
“I know,” said the Branch Manager, “Let’s have a meeting, propose a Vision, formulate a Mission Statement, define some Goals, and by a process of Continuous Improvement find a solution to the Critical Problems, and we can be on our way.”
“No, no,” said the Hardware Engineer, “That will take far too long, and besides, that method has never worked before. I’ve got my Swiss Army knife with me, and in no time at all I can strip down the car’s braking system, isolate the fault, fix it, and we can be on our way.”
“Well,” said the Software Engineer, “Before we do anything, I think we should push the car back up the road and see if it happens again.”
1063
« on: November 19, 2009, 06:06:54 PM »
A system programmer came home from work almost at dawn and told his wife enthusiastically: “Tonight I have installed a new release of MVS/ESA together with VM/CMS and CICS/VS”.
“G.O.O.D” answered his wife.
1064
« on: November 19, 2009, 06:03:46 PM »
10. They ask for all their money in quarters.
9. They’re not sure what season, or year it is.
8. They’re best friends names are Super Mario, Pac-man, and Sonic (if they have real-life friends).
7. The electric company and the toy store sends them birthday cards.
6. Big falling blocks and hot lava pits haunt their dreams.
5. Their fingers twitch all the time.
4. When they are sick at home the change clerk at the arcade calls to see if they are all right.
3. They can play 2 player games by themselves.
2. Everyone at the arcade knows them by name.
1. Someone is reading this to them, ’cause they’re too busy getting a new high score and can not be bothered.
1065
« on: November 19, 2009, 05:53:52 PM »
You know it is time to reassess your relationship with
your computer when….
1. You wake up at 4 O’clock in the morning to go to the bathroom and
stop to check your email on the way back to bed.
2. You turn off your computer and get an awful empty feeling, as if
you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
3. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just
for the free internet access.
4. You laugh at people with 28.8 modems.
5. You start using smileys :happy: in your snail mail.
6. You find yourself typing “com” after every period when using a word
processor.com
7. You can’t correspond with your mother because she doesn’t have a
computer.
8. When your email box shows “no new messages” and you feel really
depressed.
9. You don’t know the gender of your three closest friends because they
have nondescript screen name and you never bothered to ask.
10. You move into a new house and you decide to “Netscape” before you
landscape.
11. Your family always knows where you are.
12. In real life conversations, you don’t laugh, you just say “LOL, LOL”.
13. After reading this Joke, you immediately forward it to a friend!
1066
« on: November 19, 2009, 05:42:10 PM »
The authorities were leading a priest, a drunkard and an engineer to the guillotine. They asked the priest if he wanted to face up or down when he meets his fate.
The priest said that he would like to face up so that he will be looking toward heaven when he dies. So, they raise the blade of the guillotine, release it and it comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his neck.
The authorities take this as divine intervention and release the priest.
Next the drunkard comes to the guillotine. He also decides to die face up hoping that he will be as fortunate as the priest. They raise the blade of the guillotine, release it and it comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his neck.
So, the authorities release the drunkard as well.
Next is the engineer. He also decides to die facing up. They slowly raise the blade of the guillotine when suddenly the engineer shouts, “WAIT!!!… I think the problem is right there where the cable is binding!!!”
1067
« on: November 19, 2009, 05:37:13 PM »
A pilot, Michael Jordon, Bill Gates, the Pope, and a pizza delivery man were all in a plane together traveling through stormy conditions.
Suddenly, the pilot ran back to the passengers and announced that lightning had hit the plane, and they were going to crash in a matter of minutes. “There are only enough parachutes for four of the five of us,” he announced. “Since I’m the pilot, I get one!” After saying this, the pilot grabbed a parachute and jumped out of the plane.
“I’m the world’s greatest athlete,” proclaimed Michael Jordon. “This world needs great athletes, so I must live.” Michael Jordon then grabbed a parachute and leaped out of the plane.
“I’m the smartest man in the world,” bragged Bill Gates. “The world needs smart men, so I must also live!” Bill Gates grabbed a parachute and jumped out of the plane.
At this point, the Pope began to speak to the Pizza delivery boy. “I have lived a long life compared to you, and you may take the last parachute. I will go down with the plane.”
“You don’t have to do that, replied the pizza delivery guy. Bill Gates just jumped out with my backpack!”
1068
« on: November 19, 2009, 05:14:47 PM »
A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked him to show the girls how much effort was required.
He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
1069
« on: November 19, 2009, 05:10:54 PM »
Once upon a time there lived a woman who had a maddening passion for
baked beans. She loved them but unfortunately they had always had a very
embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction to her. Then one day she met a
guy and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry she
thought to herself, "He is such a sweet and gentle man, he would never go
for this carrying on." So, she made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.
Some months later her car broke down on the way home from work.
Since she lived in the country she called her husband and told him that she
would be late because she had to walk home. On her way she passed a small
diner and the aroma of the baked beans was more than she could stand.
Since she still had miles to walk, she figured that she would walk off any ill
effects by the time she reached home. So, she stopped at the diner and
before she knew it, she had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All
the way home she putt-putted. And upon arriving home she felt reasonably
sure she could control it.
Her husband seemed excited to see her and exclaimed delightedly, "Darling, I
have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded her
and led her to her chair at the table. She seated herself and just as he was about to remove the
blindfold from his wife, the telephone rang. He made her promise not to
touch the blindfold until he returned. He then went to answer the phone.
The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and the pressure
was becoming almost unbearable, so while her husband was out of the room
she seized the opportunity, shifted her weight to one leg and let it go. It was
not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front
of a pulpwood mill. She took her napkin and fanned the air around her
vigorously. Then, she shifted to the other cheek and ripped three more, which
reminded her of cabbage cooking. Keeping her ears tuned to the conversation
in the other room, she went on like this for another ten minutes.
When the phone farewells signaled the end of her freedom, she fanned the air
a few more times with her napkin, placed it on her lap and folded her hands
upon it, smiling contentedly to herself. She was the picture of innocence when
her husband returned.
Apologizing for taking so long, he asked her if she peeked, and she assured
him that she had not. At this point, he removed the blindfold, and she was
surprised!!!
There were twelve dinner guests seated around the table to wish her a Happy
Birthday!!
1070
« on: November 19, 2009, 04:59:01 PM »
A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed
in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.
Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you
to the Kingdom of Heaven?"
The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi-driver, of Noo Yawk City."Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles
and says to the taxi-driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and Enter the Kingdom."
The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.
Next it's the minister's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's
for the last 43 years."
Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter
the Kingdom."
"Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi-driver and he gets a silken robe and golden staff.
How can this be?"
"Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter.
"While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."
1071
« on: November 19, 2009, 04:43:20 PM »
At the Sunday morning church service, the minister asked if anyone in the
congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.
A lady stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a Praise.
Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle crash and his
scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was terrible and the doctors
didn't know if they could help him."
You could hear a muffled gasp from all the men in the congregation as they
imagined the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.
"Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every
movement caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a
very delicate operation, which lasted for over five hours, and it turned
out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum,
and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."
Again, the men in the congregation were unnerved and squirmed uncomfortably
as they imagined the horrible surgery that was performed on Tom.
"Now," she announced in a quavering voice, "thank the Lord, after six
weeks, Tom is now out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time,
his scrotum should recover completely."
All the men sighed with relief.
The minister rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to
say. A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.
He said, "I'm Tom."
The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want to tell my wife that
the word is sternum."
1072
« on: November 19, 2009, 04:49:43 AM »
The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place.
Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she could write notes when she needed to communicate. After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right.
A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left. Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.
A nephew who arrived late came running up to Grandma and said, "Hi Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?"
Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew, "They won't let me fart."
1073
« on: November 19, 2009, 04:41:10 AM »
Actual Postings on church bulletin boards.
-The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.
-Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
-The Lutheran men's group will meet at 6 P.M. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
-Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person(s) you want remembered.
-Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch. The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.
-Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 P.M.. -- prayer and medication to follow.
-The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
-This evening at 7 P.M. there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10.
-The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.
-Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
-The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
-Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
-Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.
-The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."
-Our next song is "Angels We Have Heard Get High".
1074
« on: November 19, 2009, 04:30:27 AM »
A Charlotte, North Carolina man having purchased a box of very rare, very expensive cigars insured them against fire among other things. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of cigars and without having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the man filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the man stated that the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay,citing the obvious reason: that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The man sued and won.
In delivering the ruling, the judge agreed that the claim was frivolous. He stated nevertheless that the man held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure against fire, without defining what is considered to be "unacceptable fire," and was obligated to pay the claim.
Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid the man $15,000.00 for the rare cigars he had lost in the "fires."
Check This Out:
After the man cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on twenty-four counts of ARSON. With his own insurance claim and testimony for the previous case being used against him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and sentenced to twenty-four months in jail and a $24,000.00 fine.
1075
« on: November 19, 2009, 04:24:16 AM »
* I am very detail-oreinted.
* My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable.
* Thank you for your consideration. Hope to hear from you shorty!
* Enclosed is a ruff draft of my resume.
* It's best for employers that I not work with people.
* Here are my qualifications for you to overlook.
* I am a quick leaner, dependable, and motivated.
* If this resume doesn't blow your hat off, then please return it in the enclosed envelope.
* My fortune cookie said, "Your next interview will result in a job." And I like your company in particular.
* You hold in your hands the resume of a truly outstanding candidate!
* I saw your ad on the information highway, and I came to a screeching halt.
* Insufficient writing skills, thought processes have slowed down some. If I am not one of the best, I will look for another opportunity.
* Please disregard the attached resume -- it is terribly out of date.
* Seek challenges that test my mind and body, since the two are usually inseparable.
* Reason for leaving last job: The owner gave new meaning to the word paranoia. I prefer to elaborate privately.
* Previous experience: Self-employed--a fiasco.
* Exposure to German for two years, but many words are inappropriate for business.
* My experience in horticulture is well-rooted.
* Experience: Watered, groomed, and fed the family dog for years.
* I am a rabid typist.
* Education: College, August 1880 - May 1984.
* I have a bachelorette degree in computers.
* Excellent memory; strong math aptitude; excellent memory; effective management skills; and very good at math.
* Graduated in the top 66% of my class.
* Accomplishments: Completed 11 years of high school.
* Strengths: Ability to meet deadlines while maintaining composer.
* Special skills: Experienced with numerous office machines and can make great lattes.
* I worked as a Corporate Lesion.
* Special Skills: Speak English.
* Served as assistant sore manager.
* Reason for leaving last job: Pushed aside so the vice president's girlfriend could steal my job.
* Married, eight children. Prefer frequent travel
* Objective: To have my skills and ethics challenged on a daily basis
1076
« on: November 19, 2009, 04:18:24 AM »
A young boy had just gotten his driver's license and inquired of his father if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said he'd make a deal with his son. "You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut and we'll talk about the car."
The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer and they agreed on it. After about six weeks his father said, "Son, I've been real proud. You brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm real disappointed you haven't gotten your hair cut."
The young man paused a moment then said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair and there's even a strong argument that Jesus had long hair."
To this his father replied, "Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?"
1077
« on: November 18, 2009, 08:13:06 PM »
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacist's eye got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license!
They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
1078
« on: November 18, 2009, 08:11:15 PM »
When a woman called 911 complaining of difficulty breathing,
Glenn and his partner, both EMT's rushed to her home.
Glenn placed a sensor on her finger to measure her pulse and blood oxygen.
Then he began to gather her information. "What's your age?" he asked.
"Fifty-eight," answered the patient, eyeing the beeping device on her finger.
"What does that do?"
"It's a lie detector," said Glenn with a straight face.
"Now, what did you say your age was?"
"Sixty-seven," answered the woman sheepishly.
1079
« on: November 18, 2009, 08:05:12 PM »
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."
"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."
The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.
They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north ab out 9 months ago ?"
"Yes, I do." said Bob
"Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"
"Well, um, yes!," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, "I have to admit that I did."
"And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?"
Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"
"She just died and left me everything."
1080
« on: November 18, 2009, 07:59:01 PM »
"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old man. "You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and nothing comes out."
"Ah, that's nothin," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you don't have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"
"Actually," said the 80-year -old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."
"Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60-year old.
"No, I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all."
"So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?"
"No, I have one every morning at 6:30."
Exasperated, the 60-year-old said, "You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so bad about being 80?"
"I don't wake up until 7:00."
*******
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