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Topics - SonnenKinder
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1041
« on: November 22, 2009, 01:49:51 AM »
They had lived together in the backwoods for over fifty years. To celebrate their fiftieth anniversary, he took her to a large city and they checked into a plush hotel. She said to the bellman, “We refuse to settle for such a small room. No windows, no bed, and no air conditioning.” “But, madam!”, replied the bellman. “Don’t ‘But madam’ me,” she continued. “You can’t treat us like we’re a couple of fools just because we don’t travel much, and we’ve never been to the big city, and never spent the night at a hotel. I’m going to complain to the manager.” “Madam,” the bellman said, “this isn’t your room; this is the elevator!”
1042
« on: November 22, 2009, 01:40:45 AM »
The backwoods couple was delighted when finally their long wait to adopt a baby came to an end. The adoption center called adn told them they had a wonderful Japanese boy, and the couple took him without hesitation. On the way back home, they stopped by the local college to enroll in night courses.
After they filled out the form, the registration clerk inquired, “May I ask you a question? What ever possessed you to study Japanese?”
The backwoodsman said proudly, “In a year or so, our adopted son will start to talk. We want to be able to understand him.”
1043
« on: November 22, 2009, 01:39:03 AM »
A man went to a brain store to get some brain for dinner. He sees a sign remarking on the quality of professional brain offered at this particular brain store. So he asks the butcher:
How much for engineer brain?
Three dollars for one hundred grams.
How much for doctor brain?
Four dollars for one hundred grams.
How much for lawyer brain?
One hundred dollars for fifty grams.
Why is lawyer brain so much more?
Do you know how many lawyes you need to kill to get once ounce of brain?
1044
« on: November 22, 2009, 01:24:30 AM »
A big-city California lawyer went duck hunting in rural Texas. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer’s field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, “I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I’m going to retrieve it.”
The old farmer replied, “This is my property, and you are not coming over here.”
The indignant lawyer said, “I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don’t let me get that duck, I’ll sue you and take everything you own.”
The old farmer smiled and said, “Apparently, you don’t know how we do things in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the Texas Three-Kick-Rule.”
The lawyer asked, What is the Texas Three-Kick-Rule?.”
The farmer replied, “Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up.”
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer’s groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man’s nose off his face. The barrister was flat on this belly when the farmer’s third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, “OK, you old coot! now, it’s my turn.” The old farmer smiled and said, “No I give up, you can have the duck.
1045
« on: November 22, 2009, 01:16:40 AM »
The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test. Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, “How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?”
A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, “A basketball coach?”
1046
« on: November 22, 2009, 01:13:37 AM »
Listening to the commencement address by the new dean, Professor Papp turned to a woman sitting beside him.
“Can you believe that the trustees named someone so ugly to be our new dean?”
Stiffening, the woman said, “I beg your pardon, but do you know who I am?”
Turning to study her, the professor replied, “Can’t say I do.”
“I’ll have you know that I am that ugly man’s wife!”
Drawing himself erect, the professor shot back, “And do you know who I am?”
“I haven’t had the pleasure,” she said icily.
“Good,” he replied, “then my job’s still safe.”
1047
« on: November 22, 2009, 12:55:42 AM »
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part):
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run ononly five percent of the roads.
6. The oil, water, temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation!" warning light.
7 . The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.
8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.
1048
« on: November 20, 2009, 05:02:58 PM »
The entire congregation came out to hear the preacher's first sermon. It lasted eight minutes. The next Sunday the preacher's sermon was forty-five minutes. His third sermon was two and a half hours.
The pulpit committee called the preacher in and said, "What is happening here?"
The preacher replied, "Well, on the first Sunday I had just had all of my teeth pulled. My mouth was sore, so my sermon was short. The next week, I had my new dentures and I was feeling fine."
The committee leader said, "But your third sermon was two and a half hours long!"
"Oh, yes," the preacher responded. "The third week, I picked up my wife's dentures by mistake."
1049
« on: November 20, 2009, 05:00:26 PM »
AUDI
Accelerates Under Demonic Influence
Always Unsafe Designs Implemented
BMW
Beautiful Mechanical Wonder
Big Money Works
Bought My Wife
Brutal Money Waster
BUICK
Big Ugly Indestructible Car Killer
CHEVROLET
Can Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended Trips
Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time
DODGE
Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere
FIAT
Failure in Italian Automotive Technology
Fix It All the Time
Fix it again, Tony!
FORD
backwards -- Driver Returns On Foot
First On Recall Day
First On Rust and Deterioration
Fix Or Repair Daily
Found On Road, Dead
Fault Of R&D
Fast Only Rolling Downhill
Features O.J. and Ron's DNA
GM
General Maintenance
GMC
Garage Man's Companion
Got A Mechanic Coming?
HONDA
Had One Never Did Again
HYUNDAI
Hope You Understand Nothing's Driveable And Inexpensive...
MAZDA
Most Always Zipping Dangerously Along
OLDSMOBILE
Old Ladies Driving Slowly Make Others Behind Infuriatingly Late
Every day.
Overpriced, Leisurely Driven Sedan Made Of Buick's Irregular
Leftover Equipment
SAAB
Send Another Automobile Back
Swedish Automobiles Always Breakdown.
TOYOTA
Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto
VOLVO
Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object
VW
Virtually Worthless
1050
« on: November 20, 2009, 04:51:52 PM »
A friend, driving home from a fishing trip in northern Michigan with his boat in tow, had engine trouble a few miles inland from Lake Huron. He didn't have a CB radio in his car. So, he decided to use his marine radio to get help. Climbing into his boat, he broadcast his call letters and asked for assistance.
A Coast Guard officer responded, "Please give your location."
"I'm on Interstate-75, two miles south of Standish."
The officer paused, "Could you repeat that?"
"I-75, two miles south of Standish."
After a longer pause, an incredulous voice asked, "How fast were you going when you hit shore?"
1051
« on: November 20, 2009, 04:47:19 PM »
She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde:
...she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
...she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
...she thought a quarterback was a refund.
...she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
...she thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.
He Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde: ...he thought General Motors was in the army.
...he thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
...he thought TuPac Shakur was a Jewish holiday.
...under "education" on his job application, he put "Hooked on Phonics."
She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde:
...she tripped over a cordless phone.
...she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said "concentrate."
...she told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK."
...at the bottom of the application where it says "sign here," she put "Sagittarius."
...she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.
He Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde:
...he studied for a blood test.
...he thought he needed a token to get on "Soul Train."
...he sold the car for gas money!
...when he missed the 44 bus, he took the 22 bus twice instead.
...when he went to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left," he turned around and went home.
She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde:
...when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
...she thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.
...if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
...she thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening.
1052
« on: November 20, 2009, 04:41:23 PM »
A blonde called her boyfriend and said, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started."
Her boyfriend asked, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The blonde said, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."
Her boyfriend decided to go over and help with the puzzle. She let him in and showed him where she had the puzzle spread all over the table. He studied the pieces for a moment, then looked at the box, then turned to her and said, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."
He took her hand and said, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of hot chocolate and then," he sighed, "let's put all these frosted flakes back in the box."
1053
« on: November 20, 2009, 04:38:51 PM »
An angel appears at a faculty meeting and tells the dean that in return for his unselfish and exemplary behavior, the Lord will reward him with his choice of infinite wealth, wisdom, or beauty.
Without hesitating, the dean selects infinite wisdom.
"Done!" says the angel, and disappears in a cloud of smoke and a bolt of lightning.
Now, all heads turn toward the dean, who sits surrounded by a faint halo of light.
One of his colleagues whispers, "Say something."
The dean sighs and says, "I should have taken the money."
1054
« on: November 20, 2009, 04:36:58 PM »
Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Mr. Common Sense.
Mr. Sense had been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.
He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm, and that life isn't always fair.
Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you earn) and reliable parenting strategies (adults, not kids, are in charge).
His health began to rapidly deteriorate when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place.
Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate, teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch, and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student only worsened his condition.
Mr. Sense declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer aspirin to a student, but could not inform the parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.
Finally, Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband, churches became businesses, and criminals received better treatment than their victims. Common Sense finally gave up the ghost after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot, then she spilled a bit in her lap and was awarded a huge financial settlement.
Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He is survived by two stepbrothers: My Rights and Ima Whiner.
Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.
1055
« on: November 20, 2009, 04:30:08 PM »
A boy was assigned a paper on childbirth and asked his mother, "How was I born?"
"Well, honey," said the slightly prudish mother, "the stork brought you to us."
"Oh," said the boy. "And how did you and Daddy get born?"
"Oh, the stork brought us, too."
"Well, how were Grandpa and Grandma born?" the boy persisted.
"Well, darling, the stork brought them too!" said the mother, by now starting to squirm a little.
Several days later, the boy handed in his paper to the teacher, who read with confusion the opening sentence: "This report has been very difficult to write due to the fact that there hasn't been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations."
1056
« on: November 20, 2009, 04:27:20 PM »
"A graceful taunt is worth a thousand insults." -Louis Nizer
"I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here." -Stephen Bishop
"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." -Winston Churchill
"A modest little person, with much to be modest about." -Winston Churchill
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." -Clarence Darrow
"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." -William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)
"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?" -Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)
"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." -Moses Hadas
"His ears made him look like a taxicab with both doors open." -Howard Hughes (about Clark Gable)
"He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others." -Samuel Johnson
"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." -Paul Keating
"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr
"There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure." -Jack E. Leonard
"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know." -Abraham Lincoln
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." -Groucho Marx
"He has the attention span of a lightning bolt." -Robert Redford
"They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge." -Thomas Brackett Reed
"He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker forebears, but by diligent hard work, he overcame them." -James Reston (about Richard Nixon)
"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." -Charles, Count Talleyrand
"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" -Mark Twain
"A solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg who looked like he was waiting for a vacancy in the Trinity." -Mark Twain
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." -Mark Twain
"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." -Mae West
"She is a peacock in everything but beauty." -Oscar Wilde
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go." -Oscar Wilde
"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." -Oscar Wilde
"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." -Billy Wilder
"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination." -Andrew Lang (1844-1912)
1057
« on: November 20, 2009, 04:21:22 PM »
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.
1058
« on: November 20, 2009, 04:16:51 PM »
I had purchased a talking metronome while I was attending a conference in New York for music teachers. Before my son and I boarded our flight home, I hefted my carry-on bag onto the security-check conveyor belt. The guard's eyes widened as he watched the monitor. He asked what I had in the bag, then slowly pulled out the six-by-three-inch black box covered with dials and switches. Other travelers, sensing trouble, vacated the area.
"A metronome," I replied weakly, as my son cringed in embarrassment. "It's a talking metronome," I insisted. "Look, I'll show you." I took the box and flipped a switch, realizing that I had no idea how it worked, "One... two... three... four," it said. Everyone breathed a sigh of relief.
As we gathered our belongings, my son whispered, "Aren't you glad it didn't go 'four... three... two... one...?'"
THIS JOKE WAS SENT TO ME BY MY BEST BUDDY'S UNCLE :happy:
1059
« on: November 20, 2009, 04:05:57 PM »
A little boy watched, fascinated, as his mother gently rubbed cold cream on her face.
"Why are you rubbing cold cream on you face, mommy?" he asked.
"To make myself beautiful," said his mother.
A few minutes later, she began removing the cream with a tissue.
"What's the matter?" he asked. "Are you giving up?"
1060
« on: November 20, 2009, 06:45:32 AM »
Women and beauty products - it's a love affair that's been going on for centuries. And no wonder. There's nothing like a new lipstick or favourite perfume to make us look and feel good. Or so we thought...
In fact, according to a new report, most of our favourite cosmetics are cocktails of industrially produced and potentially dangerous chemicals that could damage our health and, in some cases, rather than delivering on their potent 'anti-ageing' promise, are causing us to age faster.
Research by Bionsen, a natural deodorant company, found that the average woman's daily grooming and make-up routine means she 'hosts' a staggering 515 different synthetic chemicals on her body every single day.
Following is a break-up:-1. Shampoo-Average numbers of Chemicals =15. Most Worrying-Sodium Lauryl Sulphate, Terrasodium and Propylene Glycol. Possible Effects - Irritation, possible eye damage.
2.Hair Spray - Average no. of Chemicals =11. Most Worrying = Octinoxate, Isophthalates. Possible Effect - Allergies, Irritation to eyes,nose and throat, harmone disruption linked to changes in cell structure.
3.Eye Shadow - Chemicals =26 Most Worrying = Polythylene terephthalate Possible Side effects - linked to cancer; infertility; harmonal disruptions and damage to body organs.
4.Blusher - Chemicals = 16 Most Worrying = Methylparaben, Ethylparabens Possible SideEffcts = Rashes; Irritation; harmonal disruptions.
5. Lipstick - Chemicals = 33, Most Worrying = Polymenthyl methacrylate. Possible Sid effects - Allergies, links to cancer.
6. Foundation - Chemicals =24 Most Worrying = Polymethyl Methacrylate Possible Side Effects - Allergies; disrupts immune system; liks to cancer.
7.Perfume - Chemicals = 250, Most Worrying = Benzaldehyde. Possible Side Effects - Irritation to mouth, throat nd eyes. linked to kidney damage.
8.Body Lotion - Chemicals = 32, Most Worrying = Methylparaben, Propylparaben, polyethelyne Glycol(ALSO FOUND IN OVEN CLEANERS) Possible Side effect - Rashes; Irritation; harmones disruption.
9. Fake Tan - Chemicals = 22,Most Worrying = Methylparaben, Ethylparaben, propylparaben; Posible side effects = Rashes, Irritation, hormones disruption.
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