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Topics - SonnenKinder
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1021
« on: November 23, 2009, 06:05:27 PM »
Several weeks after a young man had been hired, he was called into the personnel director’s office.
“What is the meaning of this?” the director asked. “When you applied for this job, you told us you had five years experience. Now we discovered this is the first job you’ve ever held.”
“Well,” the young man replied, “in your advertisement you said you wanted somebody with imagination.”
1022
« on: November 23, 2009, 06:01:17 PM »
Take the prospective employees you are trying to place and put them in a room with only a table and two chairs. Leave them alone for two hours, without any instruction. At the end of that time, go back and see what they are doing.
If they have taken the table apart, put them in Engineering.
If they are counting the butts in the ashtray, assign them to Finance.
If they are waving their arms and talking out loud, send them to Consulting.
If they are talking to the chairs, Personnel is a good spot for them. If they are wearing green sunglasses and need a haircut, Computer Information Systems is their niche.
If the room has a sweaty odor, perhaps they’re destined for the Help Desk.
If they mention what a good price we got for the table and chairs, put them into Purchasing.
If they mention that hardwood furniture DOES NOT come from rainforests, Public Relations would suit them well.
If they are sleeping, they are Management material.
If they are writing up the experience, send them to the Technical Documents team.
If they don’t even look up when you enter the room, assign them to Security.
If they try to tell you it’s not as bad as it looks, send them to Marketing.
1023
« on: November 23, 2009, 05:54:25 PM »
9. Pays better than McDonald’s (though the hours aren’t as good.)
8. Fashionable shoes and sexy uniforms.
7. Needles: ’tis better to give than to receive.
6. Confidence in reassuring patients that all bleeding stops … eventually.
5. Opportunity to expose yourself to rare, exotic, and exciting new diseases.
4. Interesting aromas.
3. Courteous and infallible doctors who always leave clear orders in perfectly clear handwriting.
2. Celebration of holidays with all your friends … at work.
1. Comfort in the knowledge that most of your patients survive no matter what you do to them.
1024
« on: November 23, 2009, 05:48:39 PM »
The LAPD, the FBI and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigation, they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads, they burn the forest, killing everything in it — including the rabbit — and make no apologies. “The rabbit had it coming.”
The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling, “Okay, okay, I’m a rabbit, I’m a rabbit.”
1025
« on: November 23, 2009, 05:41:42 PM »
•Good Communication Skills – Spends lots of time on phone
•Average Employee – Not too bright
•Exceptionally Well Qualified – Made no major blunders yet
•Work Is First Priority – Too ugly to get a date
•Active Socially – Drinks a lot
•Independent Worker – Nobody knows what he/she does
•Quick Thinking – Offers plausible excuses
•Careful Thinker – Won’t make a decision
•Aggressive – Obnoxious
•Uses Logic On Difficult Jobs – Gets someone else to do it
•Expresses Themselves Well – Speaks English
•Meticulous Attention To Detail – A nit picker
•Has Leadership Qualities – Is tall or has a loud voice
•Exceptionally Good Judgment – Lucky
•Keen Sense Of Humor – Knows a lot of dirty jokes
•Career Minded – Back Stabber
•Loyal – Can’t get a job anywhere else
1026
« on: November 23, 2009, 05:35:57 PM »
CHAIRMAN OF THE BOARD:
Leaps tall building in a single bound.
Is more powerful than a locomotive.
Is faster than a speeding bullet.
Walks on water.
Discusses policy with God.
PRESIDENT:
Leaps short buildings in a single bound.
Is more powerful than a switch engine.
Is just as fast as a speeding bullet.
Walks on water if the sea is calm.
Talks with God.
EXECUTIVE VICE PRESIDENT:
Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds.
Is almost as powerful as a switch engine.
Is faster than a speeding BB.
Walks on water in an indoor swimming pool.
Talks with God if special request is approved.
VICE PRESIDENT:
Barely clears a Quonset hut.
Loses tug-of-war with a locomotive.
Can fire a speeding bullet.
Swims well.
Is occasionally addressed by God.
GENERAL MANAGER:
Makes high marks on the wall when trying to leap buildings.
Is run over by locomotive.
Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury.
Dog paddles.
Talks to animals.
MANAGER:
Runs into buildings.
Recognizes locomotive two out of three times.
Is not issued ammunition.
Can’t stay afloat with a life preserver.
Talks to walls.
TRAINEE:
Falls over doorsteps when trying to enter building.
Says “look at the choo-choo”.
Wets him/herself with a water pistol.
Plays in mud puddles.
Mumbles to him/herself.
SECRETARY:
Lifts buildings and walks under them.
Kicks locomotives off the tracks.
Catches speeding bullets in his/her teeth.
Freezes water with a single glance.
Is God.
1027
« on: November 23, 2009, 05:28:22 PM »
Deer Sur,
I waunt to apply for the secritary job I seen in the paper. I can type real kwik wit one finggar and do sum Acounting 2.
I think I am good on the fone and I am a pepole person. Pepole really seam to respond good to me.
Im lookin for a jobb as a secritary but it kant be 2 complikaited
My spelling is not 2 good but find that I awfin get a job Bcuz of my persinalety.
My salerery is open so we can discus wat you want to pay me and wat you think that I am wurth,
I can start imeditely. Thank you in advanse 4 yore anser.
Hopifuly I M Yore best aplicant so phar.
Sinseerly
Peggy May McBiggins
PS : I half includeded a pickture of me B low.
<!--[if !supportLineBreakNewLine]-->
<!--[endif]-->
Employer’s response:
Dear Peggy May,
It’s OK, we have spell check.
1028
« on: November 23, 2009, 05:21:28 PM »
1.The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve several times before I hit him.
2.Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don’t have.
3.The other car collided with mine without giving me warning of its intention.
4.I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it.
5.I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
6.In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
7.A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
8.I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother in law and headed over the embankment.
9.I had been shopping for a plant all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.
10.I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
11.As I approached the intersection a sign appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.
12.I was on the way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident and damage my big end.
13.The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run. So I ran over him.
14.I saw a slow moving, sad faced, old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car.
15.To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck a pedestrian.
16.My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle.
17.An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
18.I told the police that I was injured, but on removing my hat I found that I had a fractured skull.
19.I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.
20.The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out the way when I struck the front end.
21.The accident was caused by me waving to the man I hit last week.
22.I knocked over a man, he admitted it was his fault as he’d been knocked over before.
23.The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
24.I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.
1029
« on: November 23, 2009, 05:07:53 PM »
A pilot is flying a small, single-engine, charter plane with a couple of really important executives on board into Seattle airport. There is fog so thick that visibility is 40 feet, and his instruments are out. He circles looking for a landmark and after an hour, he is low on fuel and his passengers are very nervous.
At last, through a small opening in the fog he sees a tall building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor. Circling, the pilot banks and shouts through his open window: “Hey, where am I?”. The solitary office worker replies: “You’re in an airplane.”. The pilot immediately executes a swift 275 degree turn and executes a perfect blind landing on the airport’s runway five miles away. Just as the plane stops, the engines cough and die from lack of fuel. The stunned passengers ask the pilot how he did it.
“Elementary,” replies the pilot, “I asked the guy in that building a simple question. The answer he gave me was 100% correct but absolutely useless; therefore, I knew that must be Microsoft’s support office and from there the airport is three minutes away on a course of 87 degrees.”
1030
« on: November 23, 2009, 05:02:19 PM »
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike, "My elbow hurts like crazy. I guess I better see a doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars... a lot cheaper than a doctor."
So Joe puts a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours
the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart."
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure. Joe hurried back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results.
He deposited ten dollars, poured in his concoction, and awaited the results. The computer then prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant; twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.
Thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart
Excuse me if somebody finds a part of this Joke rude or offensive
1031
« on: November 23, 2009, 04:04:47 PM »
Speed Kills - Slow Infuriates!
I'd give you the finger but it's in my nose.
If you don't like my driving - STAY OFF THE SIDEWALK!
!Scixelsyd Etinu. [Read Backwards]
Improve your image - be seen with me!
I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
Driver carries no cash--he's married!
I don't have a license to kill. I have a learner's permit.
To all you virgins, thanks for nothing.
Seen on the back of a biker's vest: If you can read this, my wife fell off.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
Consciousness - that annoying time between naps.
Elvis is dead, and I'm not feeling too good myself.
If we aren't supposed to eat animals why are they made of meat?
I love animals - they're delicious.
When you do a good deed get a receipt just in case heaven is like the IRS.
God must love stupid people - he made so many.
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather - Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
1032
« on: November 22, 2009, 05:12:35 AM »
1033
« on: November 22, 2009, 05:09:29 AM »
We Deliver Anywhere U need Pizza 
1034
« on: November 22, 2009, 05:05:51 AM »
1035
« on: November 22, 2009, 04:56:27 AM »
Marriage Shoes :happy:
1036
« on: November 22, 2009, 04:51:50 AM »
1037
« on: November 22, 2009, 04:39:47 AM »
1038
« on: November 22, 2009, 02:02:33 AM »
How to identify a Canadian driver:
1. – One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: MONTREAL
2. – One hand on wheel, one finger out window: TORONTO
3. – One hand on wheel, one finger out window, cutting across all lanes of traffic: OTTAWA
4. – Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: SASKATOON, but driving in TORONTO
5. – Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in the back seat: QUEBEC CITY
6. – One hand on 12 oz. double shot latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on radio game, banging head on steering wheel while stuck in traffic: VANCOUVER
7. – One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the brake and both feet on the accelerator, throwing McDonald’s bag out the window: RED DEER
8. – Four wheel drive pick-up truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on the floor, raccoon tails attached to the antenna: PRINCE GEORGE
9. – Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above windshield driving 40 km/hr on Hwy 1 in the left lane with the left blinker on: VICTORIA
10. – One ski-doo mitt on steering wheel, one ski-doo mitt scrapper in hand out front window scrapping frost, Guess Who on 8 track playing Share The Land, hockey equipment smelling up car interior, waiting at lights for snow removal equipment to finish clearing intersection: WINNIPEG
1039
« on: November 22, 2009, 01:56:58 AM »
HONOR ROLL – We was playin poker on the stoop the other day, man I was HONOROLL.
PLANET – I got me some seed to grow weed, so I PLANET in the backyard.
DISMAY – I went for a blood test, the doctor pulled out a big needle. He said, “DISMAY hurt a little.”
OMELETTE – Every time I start a new job, OMELETTE go after a week.
STAIRWAY – When me and my homies get high, we STAIRWAY into space.
MOBILE – I went to buy crack, I was short on cash, my man said, “Gimme one MOBILE.”
DEFENSE – I ran from the cops, and hopped DEFENSE and got away.
AFRO – I got so mad at my girly, AFRO a lamp at her.
AFTERMATH – I like to be high in school, so AFTERMATH I go to the field and smoke weed.
LOCKET – I slam the door so hard, I LOCKET.
DOMINEERING – My girly’s birthday was yesterday, I got her a DOMINEERING.
KENYA – I needed change fo the subway, so I axe a stranger KENYA spare some change.
DERANGE – DERANGE is where da deer and antelope play.
DATA – At my basketball game, I scored thirty points. My coach said, “DATA boy!”
COPULATE – I called 911 and an hour later when they show up, I said, “COPULATE!”
FASCINATE – My girly’s boobs are so big. Her shirt has ten buttons, she can only FASCINATE!
BEWARE – I asked the man at the unemployment office, “Is this BEWARE I get a job?”
COATROOM – The judge said, “One more outburst like that, and you’ll be thrown out the COATROOM.”
DECIDE – I like Wanda and Yolanda, but I like to have a couple of babes on DECIDE.
1040
« on: November 22, 2009, 01:53:02 AM »
1.Point at someone with your index finger.
2.Yawn without covering your mouth.
3.Or excusing yourself.
4.Blow your nose in public.
5.Make the peace sign.
6.Wink at women.
7.Touch someone while talking to them.
8.Walk between two talking people.
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