There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, “Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I’ll buy you another drink. I just can’t stand to see a man cry.”

“No, it’s not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away.”

“I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife with another man. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison.”

One of my co-workers decided it was time to shed some excess weight. She took her new diet so seriously that she even changed her driving route to avoid her favorite bakery. One morning, however, she arrived at work carrying a gigantic cheesecake. We all scolded her, but her smile remained cherubic. “This is a very special cheesecake,” she explained. “I accidentally drove by the bakery this morning and there in the window was a host of goodies. I felt this was no accident, so I prayed, ‘Lord, if you want me to have one of those delicious cheesecakes, let me have a parking spot directly in front of the bakery’, and sure enough,” she continued, “the ninth time around the block, there it was!”

1. It is America’s coffee capital, with more coffee bean roasters per capita than any other state.
2. ‘The Wave’, a popular fan cheer for the past 25 years, was started by Husky fans at the University of Washington.
3. Adam Morrison, a Washington State native and Gonzaga University basketball star, leads the NCAA Division I in scoring this season.
4. The state is the nation’s largest exporter, representing $34 billion and 5 percent of all U.S. exports: 1½ forest products, aerospace products, apples, tulips, hops, mint, wheat and several other quality
food products.
5. Leading innovators — Microsoft’s Bill Gates and Paul Allen, Starbucks’ Howard Schultz, wireless pioneers the McCaw family, and the Boeing family — live in Washington State.
6. Washington State is America’s gateway to the 2010 Winter Olympics in Vancouver, B.C.
7. Washington leads the country in technology industry employment.
8. Grand Coulee Dam, the largest concrete structure in North America, is in Washington State.
9. Washington’s residents are educated; it’s the state with most residents holding high school diplomas.
10. Seattle leads the country in residents with more college degrees per capita.
11. Father’s Day was founded here in 1910.
12. The state is home to the world’s largest private car collection featuring over 3,000 vehicles.
13. Washington is home to the largest land mollusk in North America, a foraging banana slug that grows
up to 9 inches long.
14. In Washington, a Seahawk is an athlete, not a bird. The closest thing to a Seahawk is an osprey hawk.
15. Washington’s entrepreneur ial climate has made it the leading state for both start-up and gazelles, or fast growing young companies.
16. Washington, the 42nd state in the union, is the only state named for a president.
17. Seattle gets less rainfall annually than Atlanta, Boston, New York, Houston, New Orleans, Philadelphia, Washington D.C. and Miami, with 37 inches.
18. Seattle has the highest concentration of aerospace jobs in the world, led by Boeing’s 50,000 workers.
19. Our homegrown musicians include Jimi Hendrix, Nirvana, Kenny G, The Wailers, Pat Boone, Bing Crosby, Quincy Jones, among others.
20. Petrified wood is the state’s gem, and there’s a petrified forest here that’s considered the most un usual fossil forest in the world.
21. Washington State defines innovation. Some of the leading
employers include Microsoft, Amazon.Com, Nordstrom, Boeing, Costco and Starbuck’s.
22. Washington has hosted the Wor ld’s Fair twice: 1962 in Seattle and 1974 in Spokane.
23. Washington produces 70 percent of the nation’s hops used to brew beer. Coincidentally, to overcome beer breath, the majority of the nation’s mint is also grown in the state.
24. The longest accessible beach in the U.S. is in Washington, the 28-mile-long stretch aptly named Long Beach.
25. Washington is a leader in health sciences research; it ranks tops in scientists and engineers as a percentage of workforce.
26. ‘Tales from the Far Side’ cartoonist Gary Larson is a Washington native and still lives in the Seattle area.
27. Washington has the largest ferry system in the nation — 26 million passengers travel by ferry each year.
28. The state’s nickname is the Evergreen State for its abundant Evergreen forests.
29. It is America’s raspberry capital, harvesting more than 57 million pounds of raspberries each year.
30. Washington is the country’s second largest producer of wine, with its more than 350 wineries gaining international attention.
31. More people in Seattle commute to work on bicycles than any other city nationwide.
32. Washington’s Hells Canyon is the deepest River Gorge in North America, deeper than the Grand Canyon at over 5,500 feet deep.
33. One in every six Washingtonians owns a boat in this state where recreational and the commercial boating industry leads the country.
34. Kennewick Man, a 9,000-year-old skeleton, the oldest ever discovered in the Americas, was found in Washington in 1996.
35. The first revolving restaurant in the continental U.S. was built in Seattle’s Space Needle for the 1962 World’s Fair.
36. The cleanest air in the nation is found in a Washington community, Bellingham, according to the EPA and American Lung Association.
37. Washington’s cows produce m ore milk per cow than any other state, totaling 1.3 billion pounds of milk each year.
38. Seattle’s world-famous glass artist Dale Chihuly has put Washington on the international map, second only to Venice in number and skill of glassblowing artists.
39. Mark Rypien, 1992 Super Bowl MVP, is a Washington native and resides in Washington State.
40. Washington is the nation’s top apple producing state, with 10-12 billion apples handpicked annually.
41. Seattle sells more sunglasses per capita than any other major city in the nation.

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, “Look mate, don’t ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!” The passenger apologized and said, “I didn’t realize that a little tap would scare you so much. “The driver replied, “Sorry, it’s not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I’ve been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years.”

The phone rings at FBI headquarters. “Hello?” “Hello, is this FBI?” “Yes. What do you want?” “I’m calling to report my neighbor Tom. He is hiding marijuana in his firewood.” “This will be noted.”
Next day, the FBI comes over to Tom’s house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept, break every piece of wood, find no marijuana, swear at Tom and leave.

The phone rings at Tom’s house. “Hey, Tom! Did the FBI come?” “Yeah!” “Did they chop your firewood?” “Yeah they did.” “Okay, now it’s your turn to call. I need my garden plowed.”

Little Johnny’s kindergarten class was on a field trip to the local police station, where they saw pictures of the 10 Most Wanted men tacked to a bulletin board.
One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.
“Yes,” said the policeman. “The detectives want him very badly.”
So Little Johnny asked, “Why didn’t you keep him when you took his picture?”

Element name: WOMAN
Symbol: WO
Atomic weight: (don’t even go there)
Physical properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze at any time. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if mishandled.
Chemical properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong affinity with gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Volatile when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a shinier specimen.
Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.
Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.

Element Name: MAN
Symbol: XY
Atomic Weight: (180+/-50)
Physical properties: Solid at room temperature, but gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young samples.
Chemical properties: Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can get. Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with KD (Element: Child) for prolonged periods of time. Neutralize by saturating with alcohol.
Usage: None known. Possible good methane source. Good specimens are able to produce large quantities on command.
Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.

SICKNESS AND RELATED LEAVE:
We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

SURGERY:
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases, where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided you share of the work is done enough to keep the job going in your absence.

YOUR OWN DEATH:
This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your replacement.

REST ROOM USE:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the rest room. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, those whose names begin with ‘A’ will go from 8:00 to 8:10, employees whose names begin with ‘B’ will go from 8:10 to 8:20 and so on. If you’re unable to go at your time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your time comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a coworker. In writing, both employees’ supervisors must approve this exchange. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm bell will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door will open.

PAYCHECK GUIDE:
The following helpful guide has been prepared to help our employees better understand their paychecks:

* Gross pay $1,212.02
* Income tax $244.40
* Outgo tax $45.21
* State tax $11.61
* Interstate tax $61.10
* County tax $6.11
* City tax $12.22
* Rural tax $4.44
* Back tax $1.91
* Front tax $1.16
* Side tax $1.61
* Up tax $2.24
* Tic-Tacs $2.98
* Thumbtacks $3.93
* Carpet tacks $1.98
* Stadium tax $2.69
* Flat tax $8.32
* Surtax $3.46
* Corporate tax $2.60
* Parking fee $7.00
* FICA $81.88
* TGIF Fund $9.95
* Life insurance $7.85
* Health insurance $17.23
* Dental insurance $5.50
* Mental insurance $5.33
* Disability $3.50
* Ability $1.25
* Liability $3.41
* Unreliability $10.99
* Coffee $16.85
* Coffee Cups $66.51
* Floor rental $16.85
* Chair rental $1.32
* Desk rental $14.32
* Union dues $25.85
* Union don’ts $3.77
* Cash advance $0.69
* Cash retreats $121.35
* Overtime $1.26
* Undertime $54.83
* Eastern time $9.00
* Central time $8.00
* Mountain time $7.00
* Pacific time $6.00
* Time Out $12.21
* Oxygen $10.02
* Water $16.54
* Heat $51.42
* Cool air $26.83
* Hot air $28.13
* Miscellaneous $113.29
* Sundry $14.09
* Various $8.01
* ========================
* Net Take Home Pay $6.02

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. All questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation’s, consternation’s, or input should be directed elsewhere.

Have a nice week,

Your Boss