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Messages - ravi_sandhu
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81
« on: November 05, 2007, 03:31:51 PM »
A teacher puts a photograph of a tomcat on the blackboard, and proceeds to ask the class, if they can tell her how the tail is attached to the cat.
Little Mary has the first attempt and answers, "By fur Miss?"
The teacher replies, "Not quite right Mary, but a good try."
Meanwhile all during the lesson, Little Johnny is sitting down the back raising his hand in the air saying, "Me Miss!, me miss!"
The next student the teacher's picks is Peter, and he answers, "Is it attached by skin Miss?"
The teacher replies, "Not quite right either Peter ... Anyone else want to try?"
Finally, the teacher had no choice but to pick Little Johnny. She said to Johnny, "What do you think the tail is attached by?"
Johnny replied, "Judging by the size of those nuts on the cat ? I'd say it would have to be bolted on!"
82
« on: November 05, 2007, 03:28:22 PM »
"If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?" I asked the children in my Sunday School class.
"NO!" the children all answered.
"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?"
Again, the answer was, "NO!
"Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my wife, would that get me into Heaven?" I asked them again.
Again, they all answered, "NO!"
"Well," I continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"
A five-year-old boy shouted out, "YOU GOTTA BE DEAD!"
83
« on: November 05, 2007, 03:25:06 PM »
A troop of Boy Scouts was being used as "Guinea pigs" in a test of emergency systems.
A mock earthquake was staged, and the Scouts impersonated wounded persons who were to be picked up and cared for by the emergency units.
One Scout was supposed to lie on the ground and await his rescuers, but the first-aid people got behind schedule, and the Scout lay "wounded" for several hours.
When the first-aid squad arrived where the casualty was supposed to be, they found nothing but this brief note: "Have bled to death and gone home."
84
« on: November 05, 2007, 03:21:54 PM »
A kid walks into an ice cream store and when he steps up to the counter the owner asks him what he wants.
The kid just stares and looks around with a glazed expression on his face and doesn't say anything. Finally the owner realizing that this kid isn't all there decides to point to certain items. He points to the vanilla ice cream and asks the boy if he would like vanilla. The boy's body shakes, and then he nods his head and points to the vanilla.
"Okay," said the owner, "how about a cup for your ice cream?" as he points to the cups.
The boy shakes some more, nods and points at the cups.
So the owner goes on..."caramel sauce?"
The boy again shakes, nods, and points and the jar of caramel sauce.
"Some whipped cream?"
Again the boy shakes, nods and points to the whipped cream can.
"A red cherry on top?" as he points to the cherries in a container.
The boy shakes, nods, and points at the cherries.
Finally the owner says, "Crushed nuts?"
"No, cerebral palsy."
85
« on: November 05, 2007, 03:19:33 PM »
A woman went to a discount store to purchase several items. When she finally got to the checker, she learned one of her items had no price.
She thought she'd die of embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear, "Price check on lane thirteen. Tampax. Supersize."
As if that wasn't bad enough, the person looking for the price misunderstood the word "Tampax" for "Thumbtacks."
In a businesslike tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom, "Do you want the kind you push in with your thumb or the kind you pound in with a hammer?"
86
« on: November 05, 2007, 03:16:02 PM »
A three-year-old walked up to a pregnant lady while waiting with his mother in the doctor's office.
He inquisitively asked the lady, "Why is your stomach so big?"
She replied, "I'm having a baby."
With big eyes, he asked, "Is the baby in your stomach?"
She answered, "He sure is."
Then the little boy, with a puzzled look, asked, "Is it a good baby?"
She said, "Oh, yes. It's a real good baby."
With an even more surprised and shocked look he asked, "Then why did you eat him?"
87
« on: November 05, 2007, 03:13:25 PM »
Little Johnny was attending his first day of school.
The teacher advised the class to start the day with the pledge of allegiance, and instructed them to put their right hands over their hearts and repeat after him. He looked around the room as he started the recitation, "I pledge allegiance to the flag.
"When his eyes fell upon Little Johnny, he noticed his hand over the right cheek of his buttocks. "Little Johnny, I will not continue until you put your hand over your heart."
Little Johnny replied, "It is over my heart."
After several attempts to get Little Johnny to put his hand over his heart, the teacher asked, "Why do you think that is your heart?"
"Because every time my Grandma comes to visit, she picks me up, pats me here, and says, 'bless your little heart,' and my Grandma wouldn't lie!"
88
« on: November 05, 2007, 03:10:49 PM »
A young college co-ed came running in tears to her father.
"Dad, you gave me some terrible financial advice!"
"I did? What did I tell you?" said the dad.
"You told me to put my money in that big bank, and now that big bank is in trouble."
"What are you talking about? That's one of the largest banks in the state," he said. "There must be some mistake."
"I don't think so," she sniffed. "They just returned one of my checks with a note saying, 'Insufficient Funds'."
89
« on: November 05, 2007, 01:37:48 AM »
Nursery school teacher says to her class, "Who can use the word Definitely in a sentence?"
First a little girl says "The sky is definitely blue"
Teacher says, "Sorry, Amy, but the sky can be gray, or orange..."
Second little boy..."Trees are definitely green"
"Sorry, but in the autumn, the trees are brown."
Little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and asks:
"Does a fart have lumps?"
The teacher looks horrified and says... "Johnny! Of course not!!!"
?OK...then I DEFINITELY shit my pants..."
90
« on: November 05, 2007, 01:35:14 AM »
Grandpa and granddaughter were sitting talking when she asked, "Did God make you, Grandpa?"
"Yes, God made me," the grandfather answered.
A few minutes later, the little girl asked him, "Did God make me too?"
"Yes, He did," the older man answered.
For a few minutes, the little girl seemed to be studying her grandpa, as well as her own reflection in the mirror, while her grandfather wondered what was running through her mind.
At last she spoke up. "You know, Grandpa," she said, "God is doing a lot better job lately."
91
« on: November 05, 2007, 01:32:48 AM »
Christmas was coming near and it was time for Little Johnny to finish his holiday shopping. He went into a toy shop, took a toy plane, gave the shopkeeper fake money and started to leave.
The shopkeeper spoke up, "Excuse me little boy, this isn't real money."
Little Johnny didn't reply and continued walking.
The shopkeeper repeated himself, but Johnny kept walking.
The third time the shopkeeper called him, Johnny replied, "What?"
The shopkeeper said, "I'm sorry, young man, but this is not real money."
Johnny looked at the plane in his hands, looked at the shopkeeper and finally said, "And this isn't a real plane."
92
« on: November 05, 2007, 01:30:18 AM »
A three-year-old walked up to a pregnant lady while waiting with his mother in the doctor's office.
He inquisitively asked the lady, "Why is your stomach so big?"
She replied, "I'm having a baby."
With big eyes, he asked, "Is the baby in your stomach?"
She answered, "He sure is."
Then the little boy, with a puzzled look, asked, "Is it a good baby?"
She said, "Oh, yes. It's a real good baby."
With an even more surprised and shocked look he asked, "Then why did you eat him?"
93
« on: November 05, 2007, 01:27:40 AM »
Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents. At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs.
"I pray for a new bicycle... I pray for a new Nintendo... I pray for a new VCR..."
His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn?t deaf."
To which the little brother replied, "No, but the grandma is!"
94
« on: November 05, 2007, 01:25:09 AM »
A little boy was doing his math homework.
He said to himself, "Two plus six, that son of a bitch is eight. Three plus four, that son of a bitch is seven...."
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"
The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom."
"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked.
"Yes," he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?"
The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."
The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?"
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."
95
« on: November 05, 2007, 01:08:00 AM »
Agatha's 5-year-old developed a strong interest in spelling once she learned to spell STOP. After that, she tried to figure out her own words.
From the back seat of the car she'd ask, "Mom, what does fgrpl spell?"
"Nothing," Agatha said.
Sitting at breakfast she'd suddenly ask, "Mom, what does doeb spell?"
"Nothing," Agatha answered.
This went on for several weeks.
Then one afternoon as they sat coloring in her room she asked, "Mom, what does lmdz spell?"
Agatha smiled at her and said, "Nothing, sweetheart."
The 5-year-old carefully set down her crayon, sighed and said, "Boy, there sure are a lot of ways to spell 'Nothing'!"
96
« on: November 05, 2007, 01:05:51 AM »
There was a farmer who grew watermelons. He was doing pretty well, but he was disturbed by some local kids who would sneak into his watermelon patch at night and eat his watermelons. After some careful thought, he came upwith a clever idea that he thought would scare the kids away for sure. He made up a sign and posted it in the field.
The next day, the kids show up and they saw the sign which read: "Warning! One of the watermelons in this field has been injected with cyanide."
The kids run off, made up their ownsign and posted it next to the farmer`s sign. When the farmer returned, he surveyed the field. He noticed that no watermelons are missing, but the sign next to his read:
"Now there are two!!!"
97
« on: November 05, 2007, 01:02:27 AM »
A kid walks into an ice cream store and when he steps up to the counter the owner asks him what he wants.
The kid just stares and looks around with a glazed expression on his face and doesn't say anything. Finally the owner realizing that this kid isn't all there decides to point to certain items. He points to the vanilla ice cream and asks the boy if he would like vanilla. The boy's body shakes, and then he nods his head and points to the vanilla.
"Okay," said the owner, "how about a cup for your ice cream?" as he points to the cups.
The boy shakes some more, nods and points at the cups.
So the owner goes on..."caramel sauce?"
The boy again shakes, nods, and points and the jar of caramel sauce.
"Some whipped cream?"
Again the boy shakes, nods and points to the whipped cream can.
"A red cherry on top?" as he points to the cherries in a container.
The boy shakes, nods, and points at the cherries.
Finally the owner says, "Crushed nuts?"
"No, cerebral palsy."
98
« on: November 05, 2007, 12:59:34 AM »
santa primary teacher di job leyi interview daen geya. jo kuchh v uthe keha suneya geya oh is tarah hai.........
Interviewer: tell me the opposite of good.
santa : bad.
Interviewer: come.
Santa : go.
Interviewer: ugly.
Santa : pichhli.
Interviewer: u g l y?
Santa : P I C H H L Y !!!!!!!
Interviewer: shut up.
Santa : keep talking.
Interviewer:no,you are wrong !!
Santa : yes, i am right !!
Interviewer: get out.
Santa : come in.
Interviewer: oh my god.
Santa : oh my devil.
Interviewer: u r rejected.
Santa : i am selected. Oh Balle balle
99
« on: November 05, 2007, 12:44:35 AM »
Thumb represents parents
Second finger represents brothers & sisters
Center finger represents own self
Fourth finger represents your partner
Last finger represents your children
Really interesting
Why wedding ring should put on the fourth finger??
Pls follow the below step, really god made this a miracle (this is from a Chinese excerpt)
Firstly, show your palm, center finger bend and put together back to back Secondly, the rest 4 fingers tips to tips
100
« on: November 04, 2007, 02:32:47 PM »
Haseen tum ho to buray hum b nahi..
Mehlon mein tum ho to sarkon pe hum b nahi..
Dosti kar k kehtay ho BUSY ho?
Kaan khol k sun lo FARIG hum b nahi..!
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