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Messages - _noXiouS_
8081
« on: January 31, 2010, 04:30:06 PM »
1. Include Your Children When Baking Cookies
2. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Experts Say
3. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
4. Drunks Get Nine Months in Violin Case
5. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
6. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
7. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
8. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
9. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
10. Clinton Wins Budget; More Lies Ahead
11. Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
12. Miners Refuse to Work After Death
13. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
14. Stolen Painting Found by Tree
15. Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter
16. War Dims Hope for Peace
17. If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
18. Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
19. Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
20. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
21. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Space
22. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
23. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
24. Typhoon Rips through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
25. School Violence: Teachers Hit Out
8082
« on: January 31, 2010, 04:14:40 PM »
:pagel:
8083
« on: January 31, 2010, 03:34:08 PM »
1. Rev the engine very high, turn to the examiner and say with an evil stare, "Buckle up"
2. Turn the radio on. When the examiner goes to turn it down or off, slap their hand
3. After the instructor gets in the car, pop the hood, get out and check the oil
4. Fill your car with beer
5. In the middle of driving, hug the examiner
6. Swear and yell at everybody on the road (include parked cars)
7. When you stop at a light, start revving the engine while looking back and fourth between the person next to you at the lights, lean forward, grind your teeth and make animal noises
8. When parking, stop a few feet from distance and get out and push, saying frantically to the instructor "grab the wheel, the cars out of control!"
9. Keep doing the same thing over and over again, like yelling at the person in the rear view mirror to get out of the way, and then say "oh, it's me." Keep doing it
8084
« on: January 31, 2010, 03:25:28 PM »
Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop.
"Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness"
Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!
Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
Hand me that....uh....that uh....thingie.
Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.
Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?
Darn, there go the lights again...
Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Heck, the guy's got two of 'em.
Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
Could you stop that thing from beating? It's throwing my concentration off..
What's this doing here?
I hate it when they're missing stuff in here..
That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?!
I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses.
Well folks, this will be an experiment for us all.
Sterile, shcmerile. The floor's clean, right?
Anyone see where I left that scalpel?
And now we remove the subject's brain and place it in the body of the ape. OK, now take a picture from this angle.
This is truly a freak of nature.
This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?
Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?
Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.
What do you mean "You want a divorce"!
She's gonna blow! Everybody take cover!!!
FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out now!!
Darn! Page 47 of the manual is missing!
8085
« on: January 31, 2010, 03:15:19 PM »
1) I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)
2) Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3) Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4) Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
5) Are You Andy or Barney?
6) I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer
7) You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
8) I pay your salary!
9) Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
10) Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
11) I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.
12) When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"
13) What? You need a license to drive?
14) Wow, no wonder your wife sleeps around, with your breath!
15) Is your power a penis substitute?
16) Yes, I know my driving is not 100%, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk
17) Can you come back in 5 minutes? I'm in the middle of a telephone conversation.
18) Oops...I thought you were a prostitute.
19) Do I have any fruits or vegetables? I don't know. Is cocaine a fruit or vegetable?
20) A hundred dollar fine? Well, I think George Washington can change your mind
21) Did you pull me over because of the drugs under the seat, the body in the trunk, or the burned out tail-light?
22) Whoops, that's the fake one... here ya go, this is the one.
23) Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence
24) Is it true that guys become cops because they can't work at McDonald's ?
25) Thanks Officer, that last cop only gave me a warning, too
26) My gun fell off my lap and got lodged on the gas pedal
27) Hey, is that a 9mm ? That's nothing compared to this .44 magnum!
28) Do you have any idea how much of a hurry I'm in?
29) You're lucky this car needs a tune-up or you'd have never caught me
30) In California we drive like that all the time, what's the problem?
31) If you'd try the stuff I just had, you wouldn't be so damn uptight
32) Aren't there real crooks somewhere you should be catching?
33) Well, those two other guys didn't stop for that school bus either
34) Yes, I saw your lights on, but I thought you going to get a doughnut
35) Just had to try out that new siren, didn't you?
36) Do you have any idea who you're talking to?
37) There's no way I was going 85. I had the cruise set at 80.
38) What's wrong, Ossifer? I swear to drunk I'm not God! And really, there is no blood in my alchohol
39) That uniform makes your ass look really big.
40) You don't happen to have any beer in your car?
41) I was going to be cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
42) So what if I was speeding? Whatcha gonna do about it Mr. Hotshot?
43) I'm not as think as you stoned I am.
44) Officer: "Do you know how fast you were going"
Driver "No I'm too stoned to remember"
Thanks to Simon for the two points above!
45) Its tobacco, honest
46) Hey, i bet i can grab that gun before you finish writing my ticket!
47) Officer: Sir, have you been drinking?
>Driver: No, I haven't had any cunts tonight drinkstable
8086
« on: January 31, 2010, 03:10:41 PM »
Smoke a pipe and respond to each point the professor makes by waving it and saying, "Quite right, old bean!"
Wear X-Ray Specs. Every few minutes, ask the professor to focus the overhead projector.
Sit in the front row and spend the lecture filing your teeth into sharp points.
Sit in the front and color in your textbook.
When the professor calls your name in roll, respond "that's my name, don't wear it out!"
Introduce yourself to the class as the "master of the pan flute".
Give the professor a copy of The Watchtower. Ask him where his soul would go if he died tomorrow.
Wear earmuffs. Every few minutes, ask the professor to speak louder.
Squint thoughtfully while giving the professor strange looks. In the middle of lecture, tell him he looks familiar and ask whether he was ever in an episode of Starsky and Hutch.
Ask whether the first chapter will be on the test. If the professor says no, rip the pages out of your textbook.
Become entranced with your first physics lecture, and declare your intention to pursue a career in measurements and units.
Sing your questions.
When the professor calls roll, after each name scream "THAT'S MEEEEE! Oh, no, sorry."
Insist in a Southern drawl that your name really is Wuchen Li. If you actually are Chinese, insist that your name is Vladimir Fernandez O'Reilly.
Speak only in rhymes and hum the Underdog theme.
Page through the textbook scratching each picture and sniffing it.
Wear your pajamas. Pretend not to notice that you've done so.
Hold up a piece of paper that says in large letters "CHECK YOUR FLY".
Inform the class that you are Belgian royalty, and have a friend bang cymbals together whenever your name is spoken.
Stare continually at the professor's crotch. Occassionally lick your lips.
Address the professor as "your excellency".
Sit in the front, sniff suspiciously, and ask the professor if he's been drinking.
Shout "WOW!" after every sentence of the lecture.
Bring a mirror and spend the lecture writing Bible verses on your face.
Ask whether you have to come to class.
Present the professor with a large fruit basket.
Bring a "seeing eye rooster" to class.
Feign an unintelligible accent and repeatedly ask, "Vet ozzle haffen dee henvay?" Become aggitated when the professor can't understand you.
Relive your Junior High days by leaving chalk stuffed in the chalkboard erasers.
Watch the professor through binoculars.
Start a "Mexican wave" in a large lecture hall.
Ask to introduce your "invisible friend" in the empty seat beside you, and ask for one extra copy of each handout.
When the professor turns on his laser pointer, scream "AAAGH! MY EYES!"
Correct the professor at least ten times on the pronunciation of your name, even if it's Smith. Claim that the 'i' is silent.
Sit in the front row reading the professor's graduate thesis and snickering.
As soon as the first bell rings, volunteer to put a problem on the board. Ignore the professor's reply and proceed to do so anyway.
Claim that you wrote the class text book.
Claim to be the teaching assistant. If the real one objects, jump up and scream "IMPOSTOR!"
Spend the lecture blowing kisses to other students.
Every few minutes, take a sheet of notebook paper, write "Signup Sheet" at the top, and start passing it around the room.
Stand to ask questions. Bow deeply before taking your seat after the professor answers.
Wear a cape with a big S on it. Inform classmates that the S stands for "stud".
Interrupt every few minutes to ask the professor, "Can you spell that?"
Disassemble your pen. "Accidentally" propel pieces across the room while playing with the spring. Go on furtive expeditions to retrieve the pieces. Repeat.
Wink at the professor every few minutes.
In the middle of lecture, ask your professor whether he believes in ghosts.
Laugh heartily at everything the professor says. Snort when you laugh.
Wear a black hooded cloak to class and ring a bell.
Ask your math professor to pull the roll chart above the blackboard of ancient Greek trade routes down farther because you can't see Macedonia.
8087
« on: January 31, 2010, 03:08:18 PM »
PJ par sare chor bethe :laugh: :laugh:
8088
« on: January 31, 2010, 02:57:13 PM »
COLTSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSss baby :superhappy: :superhappy: :superhappy:
8089
« on: January 31, 2010, 02:40:11 PM »
For a couple years I've been blaming it on iron poor blood, lack of vitamins, exercise, dieting and a dozen other maladies. But now I found out the real reason;
I'm tired because I'm overworked. Let me explain...
The population of the United Stated is 239 million. 106 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work.
There are 83 million who are under-age or still in school, and 3 people who are still working on their PhD's since the 50's, which leave 49.99997 million to do the work.
Four million, four hundred ninety nine thousand, nine hundred seventy are in the Armed Forces, which leaves forty five and a half million to do the civilian work.
Of this there are 29.4 million employed by the federal government. This leaves 18.5 million to do the work. Half that many work for State and City Governments, and leaving 1,400,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 895,798 people in prisons, so that leaves 504,202 to do the work.
There are 504,200 people being treated in hospitals, at doctor appointments, or on sick leave today. That leaves just two people to do the work.
You and me.
...and you're sitting there playing around on the internet.
8090
« on: January 31, 2010, 02:36:13 PM »
1. Scooby and Shaggy were always being freaked out by ghosts and ghouls, but no one else saw them before Scooby and Shaggy.
2. Scooby and Shaggy always had the munchies.
3. Shaggy always thought Scooby was talking and was the only one who could hear him and understand him.
4. Scooby and Shaggy always fell into the trap that was intended for the monster because they were tripping over themselves and couldn't see where they were going.
5. They were always deluded and warped by thinking they were dressed up in some costumes and entertained the monster.
6. Shaggy always said "like" to the extreme, i.e. "like ZOIKS, Scoob, let's get outta here!!" What's a zoik?
7. Scooby and Shaggy were always the ones in the back of the van (doing who knows what).
8. They drove around in the MYSTERY MACHINE, which had that weird trippy design on it's side.
9. Shaggy and Scooby were always giddy and laughing.
10. Look at Shaggy; the way he dressed, his goatee, etc., 'nuff said.
11. Shaggy's girlfriend was called Mary Jane....
8091
« on: January 31, 2010, 02:29:38 PM »
Some silly signs and sites around the world :happy:
8092
« on: January 31, 2010, 02:19:33 PM »
1. Have a tea party with your pets
2. Stop people as they enter a drive-thru. Ask them to give you a lift though the drive-thru because you dont want to queue inside.
3. Make up a word, use it casually in conversation and see if anyone ask what it means
4. Buy a complete set of Transformers. Play with them loudly. If people comment, tell them with a straight face "they're more then meets the eye".
5. Put your toddlers clothes on backwards and send him or her to school as if nothing is wrong.
6. Pay off your MasterCard with your Visa
7. Burn all your waste paper while eyeing your roommate suspiciously.
8. Read the dictionary backwards and look for any hidden messages.
9. Stare at people though the tines of a fork and pretened they're in jail.
10. Write a short story using alphabet soup.
11. Make a list of things you have already done.
12. When your roommate is sleeping, place his or her hand in a warm bucket of water... Try it
13. Write checks with Roman numerals.
14. Write "out to lunch" on your forehead.
15. Explain the reasons why World War 2 started to your cat.
16. When queuing shout "giddy up" and whip the person in front of you.
17. Start the conversation "I wonder what would happen if our knees bent the other way..."
18. Pop some popcorn without putting on the lid.
Paint eggs
19. Bill your doctor for the time you spent in the waiting room.
20. When someone says "Have a nice day", tell them you have "other plans".
21. See how many clothes pegs you can clip onto your face.
22. Re-inact the sinking of the Titanic in your bath tub
23. Dress your cat in dolls clothing
24. Have a bath in baked beans
25. Make a website and fill it with useless crap (like me)
26. Watch a movie backwards
27. Hang your photo frames upside down
28. Draw a bikini on the page 3 girl.
29. Wear a mask and walk into a bank.
30. Eat soup with chop-sticks
31. Polish your car with earwax.
32. Pay your bills in pennies.
33. Make up your own star constellations. For example- The Farting Cat or The Laughing Donkey
34. Drink four pints of water and hold yourself for at least an hour
35. Imitate the sounds your modem makes when you dial up to the internet
36. Smash glasses and glue them back together.
37. Visit a neighbours house and change all of their clocks and alarms.
38. Break a world record.
39. Write your Christmas list in March and send it to "Sexy Santa" in the north pole.
40. Develop an imaginary friend and introduce him to your real friends as "The One Eye Snake".
41. Start a silly chain letter.
42. Dress up as the opposite sex.
43. Give some money to charity.
44. Try to not think about Armadillos
45. Watch a movie and repeat everything said in an East European accent.
45. While in a friends house, cover their toilet in see-through cling-flim.
46. Scare random people in the street with the Scream Mask.
47. Write down 10 reasons why you've bored.
48. Water your pet...see if he grows.
49. Learn to type...with your toes
50. Tell your feet a joke
51. Divise and practice your own stripshow.
52. Build a small dolls house with ice cubes then play with it.
53. Make a sculpture from mash Potato
54. Super glue your fingers together.
55. Fake a UFO picture. Claim they are called "The Larries" and they are in fact jolly nice chaps.
56. Hack to a emeny's (or friends) email or Instant Messenger acoount. Ask their online-buddies to cyber with you.
57. If you're male- try to find a females G-spot (WARNING- may take a long time). If you're female- hit a man in his 'sensitive' area (very fun).
58. Paint Zebra or tiger stripes on your body and free the animals at the zoo.
59. Have an immaginary party for your immaginary friends.
60. Copy all of your school note onto microsoft word, highlight it, go to fonts, and click on symbols. See if you can remember what you wrote..... (have fun!)
61. Put your little sister's barbie in the microwave and watch them melt and pretend that it's the witch from the wizard of oz!
62. Look at the maternity clothes in a catolog, sit by your mum and look at her ever once in a while and smile.
63. Count all the flowers on your wallpaper (unplug the phone)
64. Called people by the name of 'retarded .....*enter inanimate object/animal here*....' muffin and monkey work well.
65. On Instant messengers, copy peoples' screen name, font, font colour etc and tell them they've stolen your name! ... its a killer!
8093
« on: January 31, 2010, 02:15:24 PM »
1. Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face and scream "Oh my God! They've found me!" and bolt.
2. Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes & then suddenly stop and look suspiciously at everyone who looks at you.
3. When your computer is turned off, complain to the monitor on duty that you can't get the darn thing to work.
After he/she's turned it on, wait 5 minutes, turn it off again, & repeat the process for a good half hour.
4. Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to you evilly.
5. Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to different screen than the one it's set up with.
6. Write a program that plays the "Smurfs" theme song and play it at the highest volume possible over & over again.
7. Work normally for a while. Suddenly look amazingly startled by something on the screen and crawl underneath the desk.
8. Ask the person next to you if they know how to tap into top-secret Pentagon files.
9. Use Interactive Send to make passes at people you don't know.
10. Make a small ritual sacrifice to the computer before you turn it on.
11. Bring a chainsaw, but don't use it. If anyone asks why you have it, say "Just in case..." mysteriously.
12. Type on VAX for a while. Suddenly start cursing for 3 minutes at everything bad about your life. Then stop and continue typing.
13. Enter the lab, undress, and start staring at other people as if they're crazy while typing.
14. Light candles around your terminal before starting.
15. Ask around for a spare disk. Offer $2. Keep asking until someone agrees. Then, pull a disk out of your fly and say, "Oops, I forgot."
16. Every time you press Return and there is processing time required, pray "Ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease," and scream "YES!" when it finishes.
17. "DISK FIGHT!!!"
18. Start making out with the person at the terminal next to you (It helps if you know them, but this is also a great way to make new friends).
19. Put a straw in your mouth and put your hands in your pockets. Type by hitting the keys with the straw.
20. If you're sitting in a swivel chair, spin around singing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" whenever there is processing time required.
21. Draw a picture of a woman (or man) on a piece of paper, tape it to your monitor. Try to seduce it. Act like it hates you and then complain loudly that women (or men) are worthless.
22. Try to stick a Nintendo cartridge into the 3 1/2" disc drive, when it doesn't work, get the supervisor.
23. When you are on an IBM, and when you turn it on, ask loudly where the smiling Apple face is when you turn on one of those.
24. Print out the complete works of Shakespeare, then when it's all done (two days later) say that all you wanted was one line.
25. Sit and stare at the screen, biting your nails noisely. After doing this for a while, spit them out at the feet of the person next to you.
26. Stare at the screen, grind your teeth, stop, look at the person next to you. Grind some more. Repeat procedure, making sure you never provoke the person enough to let them blow up, as this releases tension, and it is far more effective to let them linger.
27. If you have long hair, take a typing break, look for split ends, cut them and deposit them on your neighbor's keyboard as you leave.
28. Put a large, gold-framed portrait of the British Royal Family on your desk and loudly proclaim that it inspires you.
29. Come to the lab wearing several layers of socks. Remove shoes and place them on top of the monitor. Remove socks layer by layer and drape them around the monitor. Exclaim sudden haiku about the aesthetic beauty of cotton on plastic.
30. Take the keyboard and sit under the computer. Type up your paper like this. Then go to the lab supervisor and complain about the bad working conditions.
31. Laugh hysterically, shout "You will all perish in flames!!!" and continue working.
32. Bring some dry ice & make it look like your computer is smoking.
33. Assign a musical note to every key (ie. the Delete key is A Flat, the B key is F sharp, etc.). Whenever you hit a key, hum its note loudly. Write an entire paper this way.
34. Attempt to eat your computer's mouse.
35. Borrow someone else's keyboard by reaching over, saying "Excuse me, mind if I borrow this for a sec?" , unplugging the keyboard & taking it.
36. Bring in a bunch of magnets and have fun.
37. When doing calculations, pull out an abacus and say that sometimes the old ways are best.
38. Play Pong for hours on the most powerful computer in the lab.
39. Make a loud noise of hitting the same key over and over again until you see that your neighbor is noticing (You can hit the space bar so your fill isn't affected). Then look at your neighbor's keyboard. Hit his/her delete key several times, erasing an entire word. While you do this, ask: "Does *your* delete key work?" Shake your head, and resume hitting the space bar on your keyboard. Keep doing this until you've deleted about a page of your neighbor's document. Then, suddenly exclaim: "Well, whaddya know? I've been hitting the space bar this whole time. No wonder it wasn't deleting! Ha!" Print out your document and leave.
40. Remove your disk from the drive and hide it. Go to the lab monitor and complain that your computer ate your disk. (For special effects, put some Elmer's Glue on or around the disk drive. Claim that the computer is drooling.)
41. Stare at the screen of the person next to you, look really puzzled, burst out laughing, and say "You did that?" loudly. Keep laughing, grab your stuff and leave, howling as you go.
42. Point at the screen. Chant in a made up language while making elaborate hand gestures for a minute or two. Press return or the mouse, then leap back and yell "COVEEEEERRRRRR!" peek up from under the table, walk back to the computer and say. "Oh, good. It worked this time," and calmly start to type again.
43. Keep looking at invisible bugs and trying to swat them.
44. See who's online. Send a total stranger a talk request. Talk to them like you've known them all your lives. Hangup before they get a chance to figure out you're a total stranger.
45. Bring a small tape player with a tape of really absurd sound effects. Pretend it's the computer and look really lost.
46. Pull out a pencil. Start writing on the screen. Complain that the lead doesn't work.
47. Come into the computer lab wearing several endangered species of flowers in your hair. Smile incessantly. Type a sentence, then laugh happily, exclaim "You're such a marvel!!" , and kiss the screen. Repeat this after every sentence. As your ecstasy mounts, also hug the keyboard. Finally, hug your neighbor, then the computer assistant, and walk out.
48. Run into the computer lab, shout "Armageddon is here!!!!!" , then calmly sit down and begin to type.
49. Quietly walk into the computer lab with a Black and Decker chainsaw, rev that baby up, and then walk up to the nearest person and say, "Give me that computer or you'll be feeding my pet crocodile for the next week".
50. Two words: Tesla Coil
8094
« on: January 31, 2010, 02:07:48 PM »
Estoy aquí para divertirme y aburrirme -I'm here to have fun and to be boring/bored
Donde estará mi mente... in la calle con el almuerzo de la noche anterior, pendejo. Where's my mind...in the street with your lunch from last night, pisshead
En caso de emergencia, actúa como idiota y corre a las salidas - In case of an emergency act like an idiot and run for the exits
El uso del internet favorece ell aislamiento... de verdad, supongo. - Use of the internet favours the isolated...it's true I suppose
¿Es eso legal? - Is it Legal?
Estaba así cuando llegué. - It was like that when I got here
NO fuí yo quien lo hizo. - I didn't do it
No fue mi auto/coche/carro quien recogió a esas putas. - It wasn't my car that picked up those prostitutes
No, no puedes ver mi licencia. - No you cannot see my licence
No creía en Dios hasta que lo ví en el espejo. -I never believed in god until i saw him in the mirror
Cómete mis pantaloncillos!!!!! EAT MY SHORTS!!!!!
Pensaba que la vida no podía empeorar hasta que te ví. I used to think that life couldn't get any worse until I saw you
8095
« on: January 31, 2010, 02:04:25 PM »
Did you know?...Fish that live more than 800 meters below the ocean surface don't have eyes.
8096
« on: January 31, 2010, 01:46:44 PM »
 : : : : cpr vi hunda :hehe:
8097
« on: January 31, 2010, 12:55:53 PM »
8098
« on: January 31, 2010, 12:49:18 PM »
chori chori dil tera churaangeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
apna tujhe hum banayegeeeeeeeeeeee :blink:
8099
« on: January 31, 2010, 12:35:40 PM »
wow :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: this is hilarious :
8100
« on: January 30, 2010, 10:47:24 PM »
hahaha apne desi chalaakiya ch sabh to agge aa : : : :
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