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Jokes Majaak / Things we've learned from the movies.
« on: April 13, 2010, 03:31:11 PM »1) During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
2) All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.
3) The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.
4) When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
5) Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.
6) Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment.
7) A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of Wembley Stadium.
8) It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.
9) A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
10)It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
11) Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
12) An electric fence powerful enough to kill a large dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight-year-old child.
13) If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
14) It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations.
15) Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German you need not speak the language. A German accent will do.
16) Even when driving down a perfectly straight road it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
17) The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
18) You're very likely to survive any battle in any war - unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
19) A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince in agony when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
20) If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade- at any time of the year.
21) All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.
22) It's easy for anyone to land a plane, providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
23) Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.
24) Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning, even though the husband and children never have time to eat them.
25) Cars and trucks that crash will almost always burst into flames.
26) If a killer is lurking in your house, it's easy to find him. Just relax and run a bath - even if it's the middle of the afternoon.
27) Wearing a singlet or stripping to the waist can make a man invulnerable to bullets.
28) Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.
29) All single women have a cat.
30) Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
31) One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them all than 20 men firing at one.
32) Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper cutting - especially if any of their family or friends has died in a strange boating accident.
33) When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your room will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.
34) Dogs always know who's bad and will naturally bark at them
35) When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
36) Action heroes never face charges for manslaughter or criminal damage despite laying entire cities to waste.
37) Whenever a natural or man-made disater is about to occur, the hero escapes (alive) nano second before its too late and is catupulted into the air by the force- but is never harmed
38) No matter how badly a spaceship is attacked, its internal gravity system is never damaged.
39) If there is a deranged killer on the loose, this will coincide with a thunderstorm that has brought down all the power and phone lines in the vicinity.
40) You can always find a chainsaw whenever you're likely to need one.
41) All Americans have phones which can reach throughout the house-even if it has a cord. If its cordless- you can pick up perfect reception all around the house...unless there is a insane killer about
42) All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
43) Guns are like disposable razors - if you run out of bullets, just throw the gun away. You can always buy a new one.
44) Make-up can safely be worn to bed without smudging.
45) Building ventilation ducts are always clean.
46) Film stars are always super-human- they never need to use the bathroom
47) Any computer, anywhere, even in the jungle, can hack into the most secure goverment system.
48) Any aliens from outer space that you meet will speak your language.
49) No matter how many times you punch someone they will always come back for more - and their wounds have healed dramtically the next day
50) All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.
51) All handcuffs can easily be opened with nothing more than a paper clip.
52) Grocery shopping bags are made out of brown paper and there is always enough shopping to fill two bags exactly.
53) If you need to open a locked door make sure you have a credit card handy, that will do. Unless its the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.
54) If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition - even if you haven't been carrying any before now.
55) If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer beast, the mayor's first concern will be the tourist trade or his forthcoming art exhibition.
56) Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.
57) No-one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.
58) When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.
59) Large loft-style apartments in New York City are well within the price range of most people - whether they are employed or not.
60) At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.
61) Should you decide to defuse a bomb don't worry which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one.
62) Honest and hard working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement.
63) If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world expert on nuclear fission at the age of 22.
64) Even if you've been set up for murder, been framed and you have the whole world wide police force hunting you down, you will automatically live happliy ever after aslong as you break away from the police and kill the bad guy.
65) If you desire to send any car into flame for any given reason, just shoot it three times, even though in real life you could stand right infront of a vechile and shoot the gun into the gas tank, it wouldnt ignite the fuel, only 1 or 2 bullets in the world can cause a spark, and it seems every police man in movies who blow up vehicles have those bullets!
66) Any woman who has just witnessed her father ,(brother, husband, fammily member ect) killed right there infront of her, will never be traumatised , morn, or be effected in anyway to resist making love to the hero who saved her!
68) Why when the hero of the movie gets the girl at the end , it seems like they will live happily ever after, yet dosent even mention her name or remember her in sequals!
69)You never need to look up the phone number for the pizza delivery service and the delivery guy is always psycic -you never need to tell him where you live or what you want on your pizza.
70) After witnessing a horrible crime being committed- don't call the cops, instead conduct your own Private Eye investigation.
71) If a lifetime of watching movies has taught me anything at all, it's to MAKE SURE that a captured secret agent is dead BEFORE you walk away from your miscellaneous torture device.
72) That, and to always look behind you when you hear menacing violin music begin to play.
73) In school, teachers will always be interrupted mid-sentence by the end-of-class bell.
74) Rather than wasting bullets, Megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gases, lasers and man-eating sharks which will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.
75) Never disarm a bomb unless it has one second left on the timer. The same goes for escaping from areas with a timed locking mechanism.
76) Always trust the most annoying person you can find because he/she will always survive.
77) If you are being chased by zombies run as fast as you can, even though they can barely walk they will still catch up with you.
78) Secret agents cannot drown because they have special lungs that allow them to breathe forever.
79) If someone you love dies then start mourning and crying, doing so will mean that they will then magically appear in front of you!
80) If someone or something is about to kill you and you have a gun then you are screwed because even if you have a loaded gun, the bullets will mysteriously disappear once you start shooting.
81) If you are in a vehicle and you have a vision of a huge accident and then get out of it then beware, because afterwards, any random object could kill you in any random way. (From Final Destination)
82) If your wife is having an affair, never kill the person she is having it with, you may have to eat him the next day. (From The Cook, The Wife, The Thief and Her Lover)
83) No matter what your mission is you will be given the lastest gadget (or have it installed in your car), which will be the exact thing you need to complete your mission (and it will always work). Also no matter how much experince and trainning someone has shoting, they will always miss the hero.
84) No matter how fast someone runs through the woods, the killer will be able to walk and manage to get just in front of the person as they fall or turn around.
85) All of the killers victims will fall out of trees and become visible only when the last person alive is running for their lives.
86) Being a camp counsellor at a summer camp is as good as a death sentence
87) All zombies roaming the streets have only been bit once or twice, yet when a zombie gets someone on screen they always tear them to pieces
88) Two gophers and a piece of clothes can be made into the deadly weapon known as gopfer-jakus
: oh michael jackson te egyptian statue, eh te kamaal ho gayi aa bai, it looks like michael's replica...