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Topics - _noXiouS_
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361
« on: January 31, 2010, 02:15:24 PM »
1. Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face and scream "Oh my God! They've found me!" and bolt.
2. Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes & then suddenly stop and look suspiciously at everyone who looks at you.
3. When your computer is turned off, complain to the monitor on duty that you can't get the darn thing to work.
After he/she's turned it on, wait 5 minutes, turn it off again, & repeat the process for a good half hour.
4. Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to you evilly.
5. Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to different screen than the one it's set up with.
6. Write a program that plays the "Smurfs" theme song and play it at the highest volume possible over & over again.
7. Work normally for a while. Suddenly look amazingly startled by something on the screen and crawl underneath the desk.
8. Ask the person next to you if they know how to tap into top-secret Pentagon files.
9. Use Interactive Send to make passes at people you don't know.
10. Make a small ritual sacrifice to the computer before you turn it on.
11. Bring a chainsaw, but don't use it. If anyone asks why you have it, say "Just in case..." mysteriously.
12. Type on VAX for a while. Suddenly start cursing for 3 minutes at everything bad about your life. Then stop and continue typing.
13. Enter the lab, undress, and start staring at other people as if they're crazy while typing.
14. Light candles around your terminal before starting.
15. Ask around for a spare disk. Offer $2. Keep asking until someone agrees. Then, pull a disk out of your fly and say, "Oops, I forgot."
16. Every time you press Return and there is processing time required, pray "Ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease," and scream "YES!" when it finishes.
17. "DISK FIGHT!!!"
18. Start making out with the person at the terminal next to you (It helps if you know them, but this is also a great way to make new friends).
19. Put a straw in your mouth and put your hands in your pockets. Type by hitting the keys with the straw.
20. If you're sitting in a swivel chair, spin around singing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" whenever there is processing time required.
21. Draw a picture of a woman (or man) on a piece of paper, tape it to your monitor. Try to seduce it. Act like it hates you and then complain loudly that women (or men) are worthless.
22. Try to stick a Nintendo cartridge into the 3 1/2" disc drive, when it doesn't work, get the supervisor.
23. When you are on an IBM, and when you turn it on, ask loudly where the smiling Apple face is when you turn on one of those.
24. Print out the complete works of Shakespeare, then when it's all done (two days later) say that all you wanted was one line.
25. Sit and stare at the screen, biting your nails noisely. After doing this for a while, spit them out at the feet of the person next to you.
26. Stare at the screen, grind your teeth, stop, look at the person next to you. Grind some more. Repeat procedure, making sure you never provoke the person enough to let them blow up, as this releases tension, and it is far more effective to let them linger.
27. If you have long hair, take a typing break, look for split ends, cut them and deposit them on your neighbor's keyboard as you leave.
28. Put a large, gold-framed portrait of the British Royal Family on your desk and loudly proclaim that it inspires you.
29. Come to the lab wearing several layers of socks. Remove shoes and place them on top of the monitor. Remove socks layer by layer and drape them around the monitor. Exclaim sudden haiku about the aesthetic beauty of cotton on plastic.
30. Take the keyboard and sit under the computer. Type up your paper like this. Then go to the lab supervisor and complain about the bad working conditions.
31. Laugh hysterically, shout "You will all perish in flames!!!" and continue working.
32. Bring some dry ice & make it look like your computer is smoking.
33. Assign a musical note to every key (ie. the Delete key is A Flat, the B key is F sharp, etc.). Whenever you hit a key, hum its note loudly. Write an entire paper this way.
34. Attempt to eat your computer's mouse.
35. Borrow someone else's keyboard by reaching over, saying "Excuse me, mind if I borrow this for a sec?" , unplugging the keyboard & taking it.
36. Bring in a bunch of magnets and have fun.
37. When doing calculations, pull out an abacus and say that sometimes the old ways are best.
38. Play Pong for hours on the most powerful computer in the lab.
39. Make a loud noise of hitting the same key over and over again until you see that your neighbor is noticing (You can hit the space bar so your fill isn't affected). Then look at your neighbor's keyboard. Hit his/her delete key several times, erasing an entire word. While you do this, ask: "Does *your* delete key work?" Shake your head, and resume hitting the space bar on your keyboard. Keep doing this until you've deleted about a page of your neighbor's document. Then, suddenly exclaim: "Well, whaddya know? I've been hitting the space bar this whole time. No wonder it wasn't deleting! Ha!" Print out your document and leave.
40. Remove your disk from the drive and hide it. Go to the lab monitor and complain that your computer ate your disk. (For special effects, put some Elmer's Glue on or around the disk drive. Claim that the computer is drooling.)
41. Stare at the screen of the person next to you, look really puzzled, burst out laughing, and say "You did that?" loudly. Keep laughing, grab your stuff and leave, howling as you go.
42. Point at the screen. Chant in a made up language while making elaborate hand gestures for a minute or two. Press return or the mouse, then leap back and yell "COVEEEEERRRRRR!" peek up from under the table, walk back to the computer and say. "Oh, good. It worked this time," and calmly start to type again.
43. Keep looking at invisible bugs and trying to swat them.
44. See who's online. Send a total stranger a talk request. Talk to them like you've known them all your lives. Hangup before they get a chance to figure out you're a total stranger.
45. Bring a small tape player with a tape of really absurd sound effects. Pretend it's the computer and look really lost.
46. Pull out a pencil. Start writing on the screen. Complain that the lead doesn't work.
47. Come into the computer lab wearing several endangered species of flowers in your hair. Smile incessantly. Type a sentence, then laugh happily, exclaim "You're such a marvel!!" , and kiss the screen. Repeat this after every sentence. As your ecstasy mounts, also hug the keyboard. Finally, hug your neighbor, then the computer assistant, and walk out.
48. Run into the computer lab, shout "Armageddon is here!!!!!" , then calmly sit down and begin to type.
49. Quietly walk into the computer lab with a Black and Decker chainsaw, rev that baby up, and then walk up to the nearest person and say, "Give me that computer or you'll be feeding my pet crocodile for the next week".
50. Two words: Tesla Coil
362
« on: January 31, 2010, 02:07:48 PM »
Estoy aquí para divertirme y aburrirme -I'm here to have fun and to be boring/bored
Donde estará mi mente... in la calle con el almuerzo de la noche anterior, pendejo. Where's my mind...in the street with your lunch from last night, pisshead
En caso de emergencia, actúa como idiota y corre a las salidas - In case of an emergency act like an idiot and run for the exits
El uso del internet favorece ell aislamiento... de verdad, supongo. - Use of the internet favours the isolated...it's true I suppose
¿Es eso legal? - Is it Legal?
Estaba así cuando llegué. - It was like that when I got here
NO fuí yo quien lo hizo. - I didn't do it
No fue mi auto/coche/carro quien recogió a esas putas. - It wasn't my car that picked up those prostitutes
No, no puedes ver mi licencia. - No you cannot see my licence
No creía en Dios hasta que lo ví en el espejo. -I never believed in god until i saw him in the mirror
Cómete mis pantaloncillos!!!!! EAT MY SHORTS!!!!!
Pensaba que la vida no podía empeorar hasta que te ví. I used to think that life couldn't get any worse until I saw you
363
« on: January 29, 2010, 11:28:34 PM »
364
« on: January 28, 2010, 01:10:59 PM »
Mere dil jigar , kidney aur liver ho tum,
Waqt bewaqt aaye fever ho tum,
Jisme Doob kar mar jaye vo river ho tum,
Mere jivan main aab toa forever ho tum…..
366
« on: January 03, 2010, 08:47:46 PM »
367
« on: December 30, 2009, 08:03:10 PM »
kisey nu birthday wish karan layi suggestions dawo, and they all have to be sweet, considering I lack the ability...help karo helpppp...Don't mention any monitary things, I want something that supposedly comes from the heart  : Let me modify this, maybe this will help:
It's for my bestfriend and oh munda hega...
368
« on: December 24, 2009, 03:00:17 PM »
I wanna go home
:sad: :sad: :sad: :sad: :sad: :sad: :sad:
369
« on: December 22, 2009, 02:15:04 PM »
Many things to get you through the day. Run one lap around the office at top speed. Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say, "Just called to say I can't talk right now. Bye." To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace. When someone hands you a piece of paper, finger it, and whisper huskily, "Mmmmmmm, that feels soooooo good!". : Walk sideways to the photocopier. While riding an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors open. Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask, "Did you get all that, I don't want to have to repeat it". Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle (there must be a 'non-player' within sight). Shout random numbers while someone is counting. At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra points if you actually launch into it yourself). Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on and off 10 times. For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as "Bob". After every sentence, say 'mon' in a really bad Jamaican accent. As in "the report's on your desk, mon". Keep this up for one hour. While a co-worker is out, move their chair into the elevator. In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, "Shut up, PLEASE! All of you just shut up!". In a co-worker's diary, write in 10am: "See how I look in tights". Carry your keyboard over to your colleague and ask "You wanna trade?". Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now". Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, "I can't talk about it". Posing as a maitre d', call a colleague and tell him he's won a lunch for four at a local restaurant. Let him go. Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig, etc) during a very important conference call. Hang a two-foot long piece of toilet paper from the back of your pants and act genuinely surprised when someone points it out. During the course of a meeting, slowly edge your chair towards the door. Tell your children over dinner, "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go." Oh my : Play a tape of jungle sounds at work all day. At lunch time, sit in your parked car and point a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down. Hahahahahaha Page yourself over the intercom (don't disguise your voice). Develop an unnatural fear of staplers. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso. : good one : Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think". Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy". As often as possible, skip rather than walk. Sing along at the opera. :lol: Call the psychic hotline and just say, "Guess". When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I Won!", "I Won!" "3rd time this week !!!" When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling "Run for your lives, they're loose!" Tell your boss, "It's not the voices in my head that bother me, it's the voices in your head that do."
370
« on: December 22, 2009, 01:12:02 PM »
tHESE CONVERSATIONS ARE SAID TO BE REAL.
Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!" Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"
Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees." TWA 2341: "We are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?" Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"
From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm bored!" Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!" Unknown aircraft: "I said I was bored, not stupid!"
Tower: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, eastbound." United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this: I've got the little Fokker in sight."
A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down. San Jose Tower noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."
A military pilot called for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked." Air Traffic Control told the fighter pilot that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down. "Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."
Allegedly, a Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following -Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?" Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English." Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?" Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war."
Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7" Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway." Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?" Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, Roger; and yes, we copied Eastern and we've already notified our caterers."
One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?" The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."
Allegedly the German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They, it is alleged, not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206. Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway." Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven." The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop. Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?" Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now." Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?" Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark,...... and I didn't land."
Allegedly, while taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!" Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?" US Air 2771: "Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded. Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"
371
« on: December 22, 2009, 01:06:51 PM »
AAAAA The Organization for Drunk Drivers
AOL Anti On-Line
APPLE Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity
ARMY Ain't a Real Marine Yet
BASIC - Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control
BMW Big Money Waste
BUICK Big Ugly Indestructible Compact Killer
CD-ROM Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months
CHEVROLET Cracked Head, Every Valve Rattles, Oil Leaks Every Time
CHEVROLET Can Hear Every Valve Rattle on Long Extended Trips
COBOL Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language
COMPUTER Capable Of Making Perfectly Uncomplicated Tasks Extremely Rigorous
DODGE Drips Oil, Drips Grease Everywhere
DOS Defunct Operating System
DUMBO Down Under Manhattan Bridge Overpass
FIAT Fix It Again, Tony
FIAT Funny Italian Attempt at Technology
FORD First On Race Day
FORD Found On Road, Dead
FORD Fix Or Repair Dail
GMC Gotta Mechanic Coming!
HONDA Hold On, Not Done Accelerating!
IBM I Blame Microsoft
IBM I Bought Macintosh
ISDN It Still Does Nothing
JFGI Just F*@&ing Google It
LISP Lots of Infuriating & Silly Parentheses
LOTUS Lots Of Trouble, Usually Serious
LOVE Loss Of Valuable Energy
MACINTOSH Most Applications Crash, If Not The Operating System Hangs
MARINE Muscles Are Required, Intelligence Not Expected
MARINE My A$$ Rides In Navy Equipment
MCSE Minesweeper Consultant & Solitaire Expert
MCSE Must Consult Someone Experienced
MCSE Making Computers Slow Everyday
MICROSOFT Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers
MIPS Mistakes Incurred Per Second
MIPS Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed
MOPAR Mostly Old Parts and Rusted (
NASCAR Numerous A***holes Simultaneously Circling Around Rednecks
NASCAR Non-Athletic Sport Centered Around Rednecks
NAVY Never Again Volunteer Yourself
NTSC Never The Same Color
OS/2 Obsolete Soon Too
PASCAL Pedantry And Strictness Created A Language
PCMCIA People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms
PEBCAK Problem Exists Between Chair And Keyboard
PENTIUM Produces Erroneous Numbers Thru Incorrect Understanding of Mathematics
PONTIAC Poor Old Nutjob Thinks It's A Cadillac
POTS Plain Old Telephone System
RENAULT Repair Ever Needed, Always Useless, Lotsa Trouble
RISC Reduced Into Silly Code
RTFM Read The F*@&ing Manual
SCSI System Can't See It
SCSI-2 System Can't See It Again
SNMP Security Not My Problem
SUBARU Still Usable, But All Rusty Underneath
TOYOTA The One You Ought To Avoid
US ARMY Uncle Same Ain't Released Me Yet
USMC Uncle Sam's Misguided Children
WINDOWS Wonderful Interface No Dos User Would Sanction
WINDOWS Will Install Needless Data On Whole System
372
« on: December 22, 2009, 12:14:59 PM »
SO, pretty explanatory - just vote...
373
« on: December 16, 2009, 12:12:15 PM »
A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant. Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table. She said, 'For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.' The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband.' The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands. The husband thought for a moment: 'Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.' The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish. So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!...the husband became 92 years old. The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful should remember fairies are female... : : : : :happy:
374
« on: December 14, 2009, 04:11:05 PM »
So, this is pretty self explanatory, here is the question again:
What is the one thing you notice about the opposite gender in the first 6 secs you see them?
This purely on a physical basis - no personality and all that stuff...
If you choose the last option "other" plz explain to what it is!
Let's vote :superhappy: :superhappy: :superhappy: :superhappy:
375
« on: December 08, 2009, 03:50:48 PM »
anyone know a good site where i can wathc this wovie "twilight" :/
376
« on: December 07, 2009, 09:03:18 PM »
Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:
Spades - King David
Clubs - Alexander the Great,
Hearts-Charlemagne, and
Diamonds - Julius Caesar.
If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle; if the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle; if the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.
111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.
'I am'. Is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.
The phrase 'rule of thumb' is derived from an old English law which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.
The name Jeep came from the abbreviation used in the army for the 'General Purpose' vehicle, G.P.
The cruise liner, Queen Elizabeth II, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.
377
« on: December 06, 2009, 08:17:15 PM »
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
If someone with a split personality threatens to commit suicide, is it a hostage situation?
Can you cry under water?
What level of importance must a person have, before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
378
« on: December 06, 2009, 08:12:43 PM »
Why are boxing rings square?
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up, like, every two hours?
Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough?
why why why why why :dnk:
379
« on: December 04, 2009, 12:27:43 PM »
So, yea, which is your predominate hand? kehde hath nal steering wheel hold kardey - one or the other ja pher both? If you use your feet ja kuch jor ta other nu vote paa dau :
380
« on: November 21, 2009, 04:18:25 PM »
If you could go back in time and change something, what would it be?
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