This section allows you to view all posts made by this member. Note that you can only see posts made in areas you currently have access to.
Topics - _noXiouS_
Pages: 1 ... 12 13 14 15 16 [17] 18 19 20
321
« on: April 13, 2010, 04:28:28 PM »
Three friends are in a car driving to the ballgame when a big truck runs them over, killing them instantly. They find themselves at the Pearly Gates being interviewed by St. Peter.
"OK, you," he says, pointing to Vito, "How many times did you cheat on your wife? And don't lie, I'm St. Peter you know."
Vito hangs his head and replies, "Honestly Pete, I was with two maybe three different broads a week."
St. Peter says, "OK, your car in heaven is that used Geo Metro over there, goodbye."
He looks at Eddie and asks, "How many times did you cheat on your wife?"
Eddie replies, "I must admit that in 15 years of marriage I did cheat on my wife 3 times." St. Peter says, "OK, your car in heaven is that LeBaron, goodbye."
He then looks at Jacob and asks, "And you, how many times did you cheat on your wife?"
Jacob lifts his head high and replies, "I am proud to say that over 20 years of marriage, I never cheated on my wife! In fact, my beloved has been dead for 2 years now and I remained celibate the whole time!"
St. Peter replies, "Very impressive. Your car in heaven is that Ferrari convertible. Goodbye!"
A couple of hours later, Vito and Eddie are waiting for Jacob at the park where all three had planned to meet. Jacob arrives a couple of minutes late in his Ferrari, and his friends notice that he is sobbing like a baby. Vito asks, "Hey! Whats a matter wid you? We should be crying! We're stuck with these ugly buckets and you got a new Ferrari!" Jacob, between sobs replies, "I just saw my wife on a skateboard!"
322
« on: April 13, 2010, 04:10:13 PM »
What is the problem with people who ask sarcastic rhetorical questions?
Catch a falling star and put it in your pocket...... I'd strongly suggest you put on a pair of new Dockers Heat-Resistant Comet Pants first though, unless you're into third-degree burns.
When technology advances enough to shrink cellular phones to the size of an actual cell, it would probably be a good idea to clone a bunch of them, because man, those things are going to be really easy to lose.
Sometimes I just stare into the sun, marveling at its powers and gentle grace that warms the Earth and allows for life itself. Then I stop and think "Good God, I've blinded myself again!"
If you ever decide to build yourself a house made of butter, you should try to live next to a house made of toast. That would make for a hilarious news story.
You should never cry over spilt milk. Unless, of course, you are stranded on a deserted island and a magical genie shows up and offers you a lifetime of pleasure, fame, and fortune in exchange for your last glass of milk and you leap with glee and nearly spill your milk, then after you sigh in relief that it hasn't spilled, you step on a clam shell and drop the glass, causing the genie to disappear and leaving you to live out your days on a diet of coconuts and dead seagulls.
Whenever I see someone who is really obese, I usually picture them in the shower. Not because I find them attractive though. I'm just curious how in the world they wash their back.
Whoever came up with that "lift with your knees and not with your back" idea is an idiot. Everybody knows that when it comes to lifting, the best way to do it is with your HANDS.
I'm glad that wristwatches have withstood the test of time, because not only would I not enjoy wearing a neckwatch, but it would be nearly impossible to see the time.
A cheetah might be fast and an elephant might be strong, but neither of them have any pockets. We can all thank the modern clothing industry for that key advantage.
Beauty is in the eye of the Beholder, but at the same time "Love is blind." Damn that's confusing...ah well
Do we really need warnings that the lead in paint will kill you? Keep in mind that these people have already made a conscious decision to CONSUME PAINT.
Americans would be a lot less obese if we all agreed to do a whimsical little dance instead of saying "Hello."
Some people think the worst part of Razor Blade Pizza is the razor blades. They're wrong though - it's the horribly salty sauce recipe that irritates all of your internal lacerations.
Every rose has its thorn, except for those new genetically altered ones that have teeth and a taste for human flesh. I'd rather deal with the thorns, personally.
Isn't it odd the way everyone automatically assumes that the goo in soap dispensers is always soap? I like to fill mine with mustard, just to teach people a valuable lesson in trust.
You know what doesn't scare me? The threat of super-intelligent plants. They take so long to grow that we'd totally see through their plans in advance.
You know what would make pictures better? If they had the ability to walk and talk, as well as do all types of household chores. Then again, I could be confusing them with my idea for a two-dimensional midget handyman.
Whenever I go walking in the forest I like to stop now and then and build a small pile of rocks. You can never be too prepared for a rock throwing contest.
Why do Tic Tacs have to announce that extra half calorie? Do you know anyone that has become hideously obese from eating breath mints?
If the early bird gets the worm, then what incentive do worms have to wake up early? Death?
I was seriously injured in a Chinese cooking accident the other day. The doctors told me that I might never be able to wok again.
I bet a lot of mimes choke to death because everyone just thinks it is one of those lame mime routines.
If you can't say anything nice about someone, say nothing. Then creep up behind them with a baseball bat and really let em have it.
I'm going to make a movie where the bullets actually HIT the hero in the first gunfight.
Do you ever take a few seconds and think about technology? Take a telephone for instance. Every call we make travels across an unbroken wire at amazing speeds that almo... Okay, I'm done thinking. Back to TV
I love the internet. Where else could a word as short as "ok" be shortened to "k" just to save a millisecond of time?
323
« on: April 13, 2010, 03:55:15 PM »
At a computer expo COMDEX, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 >miles to the gallon."
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:
If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car. v 3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
4. Occasionally, executing a manoeuvre such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.
6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation "warning light.
7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.
8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off
324
« on: April 13, 2010, 03:31:11 PM »
1) During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
2) All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.
3) The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.
4) When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
5) Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.
6) Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment.
7) A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of Wembley Stadium.
8) It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.
9) A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
10)It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
11) Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
12) An electric fence powerful enough to kill a large dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight-year-old child.
13) If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
14) It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations.
15) Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German you need not speak the language. A German accent will do.
16) Even when driving down a perfectly straight road it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
17) The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
18) You're very likely to survive any battle in any war - unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
19) A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince in agony when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
20) If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade- at any time of the year.
21) All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.
22) It's easy for anyone to land a plane, providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
23) Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.
24) Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning, even though the husband and children never have time to eat them.
25) Cars and trucks that crash will almost always burst into flames.
26) If a killer is lurking in your house, it's easy to find him. Just relax and run a bath - even if it's the middle of the afternoon.
27) Wearing a singlet or stripping to the waist can make a man invulnerable to bullets.
28) Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.
29) All single women have a cat.
30) Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
31) One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them all than 20 men firing at one.
32) Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper cutting - especially if any of their family or friends has died in a strange boating accident.
33) When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your room will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.
34) Dogs always know who's bad and will naturally bark at them
35) When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
36) Action heroes never face charges for manslaughter or criminal damage despite laying entire cities to waste.
37) Whenever a natural or man-made disater is about to occur, the hero escapes (alive) nano second before its too late and is catupulted into the air by the force- but is never harmed
38) No matter how badly a spaceship is attacked, its internal gravity system is never damaged.
39) If there is a deranged killer on the loose, this will coincide with a thunderstorm that has brought down all the power and phone lines in the vicinity.
40) You can always find a chainsaw whenever you're likely to need one.
41) All Americans have phones which can reach throughout the house-even if it has a cord. If its cordless- you can pick up perfect reception all around the house...unless there is a insane killer about
42) All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
43) Guns are like disposable razors - if you run out of bullets, just throw the gun away. You can always buy a new one.
44) Make-up can safely be worn to bed without smudging.
45) Building ventilation ducts are always clean.
46) Film stars are always super-human- they never need to use the bathroom
47) Any computer, anywhere, even in the jungle, can hack into the most secure goverment system.
48) Any aliens from outer space that you meet will speak your language.
49) No matter how many times you punch someone they will always come back for more - and their wounds have healed dramtically the next day
50) All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.
51) All handcuffs can easily be opened with nothing more than a paper clip.
52) Grocery shopping bags are made out of brown paper and there is always enough shopping to fill two bags exactly.
53) If you need to open a locked door make sure you have a credit card handy, that will do. Unless its the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.
54) If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition - even if you haven't been carrying any before now.
55) If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer beast, the mayor's first concern will be the tourist trade or his forthcoming art exhibition.
56) Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.
57) No-one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.
58) When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.
59) Large loft-style apartments in New York City are well within the price range of most people - whether they are employed or not.
60) At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.
61) Should you decide to defuse a bomb don't worry which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one.
62) Honest and hard working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement.
63) If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world expert on nuclear fission at the age of 22.
64) Even if you've been set up for murder, been framed and you have the whole world wide police force hunting you down, you will automatically live happliy ever after aslong as you break away from the police and kill the bad guy.
65) If you desire to send any car into flame for any given reason, just shoot it three times, even though in real life you could stand right infront of a vechile and shoot the gun into the gas tank, it wouldnt ignite the fuel, only 1 or 2 bullets in the world can cause a spark, and it seems every police man in movies who blow up vehicles have those bullets!
66) Any woman who has just witnessed her father ,(brother, husband, fammily member ect) killed right there infront of her, will never be traumatised , morn, or be effected in anyway to resist making love to the hero who saved her!
68) Why when the hero of the movie gets the girl at the end , it seems like they will live happily ever after, yet dosent even mention her name or remember her in sequals!
69)You never need to look up the phone number for the pizza delivery service and the delivery guy is always psycic -you never need to tell him where you live or what you want on your pizza.
70) After witnessing a horrible crime being committed- don't call the cops, instead conduct your own Private Eye investigation.
71) If a lifetime of watching movies has taught me anything at all, it's to MAKE SURE that a captured secret agent is dead BEFORE you walk away from your miscellaneous torture device.
72) That, and to always look behind you when you hear menacing violin music begin to play.
73) In school, teachers will always be interrupted mid-sentence by the end-of-class bell.
74) Rather than wasting bullets, Megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gases, lasers and man-eating sharks which will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.
75) Never disarm a bomb unless it has one second left on the timer. The same goes for escaping from areas with a timed locking mechanism.
76) Always trust the most annoying person you can find because he/she will always survive.
77) If you are being chased by zombies run as fast as you can, even though they can barely walk they will still catch up with you.
78) Secret agents cannot drown because they have special lungs that allow them to breathe forever.
79) If someone you love dies then start mourning and crying, doing so will mean that they will then magically appear in front of you!
80) If someone or something is about to kill you and you have a gun then you are screwed because even if you have a loaded gun, the bullets will mysteriously disappear once you start shooting.
81) If you are in a vehicle and you have a vision of a huge accident and then get out of it then beware, because afterwards, any random object could kill you in any random way. (From Final Destination)
82) If your wife is having an affair, never kill the person she is having it with, you may have to eat him the next day. (From The Cook, The Wife, The Thief and Her Lover)
83) No matter what your mission is you will be given the lastest gadget (or have it installed in your car), which will be the exact thing you need to complete your mission (and it will always work). Also no matter how much experince and trainning someone has shoting, they will always miss the hero.
84) No matter how fast someone runs through the woods, the killer will be able to walk and manage to get just in front of the person as they fall or turn around.
85) All of the killers victims will fall out of trees and become visible only when the last person alive is running for their lives.
86) Being a camp counsellor at a summer camp is as good as a death sentence
87) All zombies roaming the streets have only been bit once or twice, yet when a zombie gets someone on screen they always tear them to pieces
88) Two gophers and a piece of clothes can be made into the deadly weapon known as gopfer-jakus
325
« on: April 11, 2010, 06:26:14 PM »
It depends on who you ask... GeorgeBush's Answer: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or it is against us. There is no middle ground here. Al Gore's Answer: I invented the chicken. I invented the road. Therefore, the chicken crossing the road represented the application of these two different functions of government in a new, reinvented way designed to bring greater services to the American people. Bill Gates' Answer: I have just released chicken 2003, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook -- and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of chicken. Martha Stewart's Answer: No one called to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the farmer's market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information. Dr. Sues' Answer: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, But why it crossed, I've not been told! Ernest Hemingway's Answer: To die. In the rain. Alone. Martin Luther King Jr's Answer: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question. Grandpa's Answer: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us. Barbara Walters' Answer: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heartwarming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting and went on to accomplish its life-long dream of crossing the road. Ralph Nader's Answer: The chicken's habitat on the original side of the road had been polluted by unchecked industrialist greed. The chicken did not reach the unspoiled habitat on other side of the road because it was crushed by the wheels of a gas-guzzling SUV. Jerry Seinfield's Answer: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, "What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place anyway?" Pat Buchanan's Answer: To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American. Rush Limbaugh's Answer: I don't know why the chicken crossed the road, but I'll bet it was getting a government grant to cross the road, and I'll bet someone out there is already forming a support group to help chickens with crossing-the-road syndrome. Can you believe this? How much more of this can real Americans take? Chickens crossing the road paid for by their tax dollars, and when I say tax dollars, I'm talking about your money, money the government took from you to build roads for chickens to cross. Jerry Falwell's Answer: Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's what they call it -- the other side. Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side." John Lennon's Answer: Imagine all the chickens crossing roads in peace. Aristotle's Answer: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road. Karl Marx's Answer: It was a historical inevitability. Saddam Hussein's Answer: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it. Voltaire's Answer: I may not agree with what the chicken did, but I will defend to the death its right to do it. Captain Kirk's Answer: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before. Fox Mulder's Answer: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes! How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it? Scully's Answer: It was a simple bio-mechanical reflex that is commonly found in chickens. Bill Clinton's Answer: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken, please? The Bible's Answer: And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing. Albert Einstein's Answer: Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken? Sigmund Freud's Answer: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying insecurity. L.A.P.D.'s Answer: Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find out. Spock's Answer It seemed like the logical thing to do at the time
326
« on: April 11, 2010, 06:06:26 PM »
The following is supposedly an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic(absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law(gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave.
Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different Religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
- So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you, and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct... leaving only Heaven thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"
327
« on: April 11, 2010, 05:57:50 PM »
Please Take note of the following, in effect from Monday.
Sickdays
We will not longer accept a doctor's note as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Surgery
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have somehing removed constitutes a breach of employment.
Personal Days
Each employee will receive 104 personals days a year. These are called Saturdays and Sundays.
Vacation Days
All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year. The vacation days are as follows January 1 and December 25.
Bereavement Leave
There is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangment. In rare cases where employee involvment is necessary, the funeral should held in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done.
Absence Due to Your Own Death
This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your own replacement.
Restroom Use
Too much time is being wasted in the restroom. In future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabethical order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with "A" will go from 8.00 to 8.20, employees whose names begin with "B" will go from 8.20 to 8.40 and so on.
If you are unable to go at your alloted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies you may swap with a co-worker but both employees supervisors must approve this exchange in writing.
In addition, there is now a strict three minute time limit in the toilets. At the end of the three minutes an alarm will sound, the toilet paper will retract and the toilet door will open.
Lunch Break
Skinny people will get an one hour for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy.
Normal sized people will get 30 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain the average figure.
Fat people will receive five minutes for lunch because that's all the time need to drink a Smil Fast and a diet pill.
Dress Code
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing £350 Prada shoes and carrying £600 Gucci bag we will assume you are doing financially well and therefore you do not need a raise.
Thank you for loyalty to our firm. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations etc should be directed elsewhere.
Have a nice day.
The Management
328
« on: April 11, 2010, 05:39:06 PM »
Alabama: Hell Yes, We Have Electricity
Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!
Arizona: But It's A Dry Heat
Arkansas: Literacy Ain't Everything
California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda
Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother
Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedy's Don't Own It-Yet
Delaware: We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water
Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids
Georgia: We Put The "Fun" In Fundamentalist Extremism
Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)
Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes ... Well Okay We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good
Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S"
Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn
Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States
Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
Louisiana: We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign
Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster
Maryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It
Massachusetts: Our taxes are less Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)
Michigan: First Line Of Defense From The Canadians
Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes... And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes
Mississippi: Come And Feel Better About Your Own State
Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work
Montana: Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-wing Crazies, And Very Little Else
Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest
Nevada: Hookers and Poker!
New Hampshire: Go Away And Leave Us Alone
New Jersey: You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!
New Mexico: UFO Spotting For 50 years
New York: You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To An Attorney ...
North Carolina: Tobacco Is A Vegetable
North Dakota: We Really Are One Of The 50 States!
Ohio: At Least We're Not Michigan
Oklahoma: Like The Play, Only No Singing
Oregon: Spotted Owl... It's What's For Dinner
Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal
Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island
South Carolina: Remember The Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender
South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota
Tennessee: The Educashun State
Texas: Si' Hablo Ing'les (Yes, I Speak English)
Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
Vermont: Yep
Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?
Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds And Slackers!
Washington, D.C.:Wanna Be Mayor?
West Virginia: One Big Happy Family... Really!
Wisconsin: Come Cut The Cheese
Wyoming: Where Men Are Men ... and the sheep are scared
329
« on: April 08, 2010, 01:01:41 PM »
Most of the New York City firefighters and medics whose lungs were damaged by pulverized masonry and glass from the World Trade Center attacks in 2001 are not improving as time goes by, according to a new study.
The results are based on breathing tests from nearly 11,000 firefighters who were at ground zero in first two weeks when the dust cloud was thickest. Of the firefighters who didn't smoke, 13 percent were still scoring below normal up to seven years later, the study found.
That number was down from 18 percent who initially tested below normal after the attacks, according to researchers at the New York City Fire Department and the Albert Einstein College of Medicine.
Among emergency medical technicians, the numbers were worse. Of the nearly 2,000 EMTs included in the analysis, 22 percent of the nonsmokers scored below normal on their most recent breathing test.
The research, based on tests that measure how fast a person can exhale, is in today's New England Journal of Medicine.
The study dims hopes that workers who developed respiratory problems after being exposed to the trade center's powdery and smoking remnants would gradually return to normal.
Firefighters commonly suffer some lung damage after being exposed to heavy smoke, but the problem is not usually long term. Previous studies of firefighters who lost breathing capacity after battling chemical and forest fires found that they generally recovered within days or weeks.
That hasn't happened with 9/11 responders, said Dr. David Prezant, the Fire Department's chief medical officer and a lead author of the study.
In the immediate aftermath, they were exposed to "unprecedented density of dust, smoke, all kinds of materials that they don't encounter in a routine course of firefighting," said Dr. Thomas Aldrich, professor of medicine at Albert Einstein.
-This frustrated me, while I was reading through this, recalling back the whole incident. I'll hold my opinions.
330
« on: April 08, 2010, 12:46:39 PM »
A brand new silver Tata Nano, heralded as the world's cheapest car, stands in flames on the suburbs of Mumbai, India, Sunday, March 21, 2010. The car belonging to Satish Sawant, a software engineer, burst into flames as he was proudly driving it home from the showroom, draped with a celebratory garland of marigolds. Sawant managed to get his wife and five-year-old son out of the back seat before the smoke billowing from the rear engine turned into flames that engulfed the tiny car.
331
« on: April 07, 2010, 12:53:57 PM »
A Great Dane from the US state of Arizona has been officially recognised by Guinness World Records as the tallest dog ever on record.
Giant George, owned by David Nasser, stands 43in (1.09m) tall paw to shoulder, and weighs 245lb (111kg).
Guinness officials say there were conflicting reports about Giant George's height, so they sent a judge to his home in Tucson to verify it.
Giant George - who has his own website - consumes 110lb of food each month.
Four-year-old Giant George made it into the record books by beating his nearest rival, Titan, a Great Dane from California, by three-quarters of an inch.
He was named by Guinness World Records as both the world's Tallest Living Dog and Tallest Dog Ever.
Mr Nasser says George sleeps on his own queen-sized bed inside the house.
On a recent plane trip for a media appearance in Chicago, George was given a row of three seats to himself.
And his presence on the plane certainly caused a commotion, says Mr Nasser, with many passengers coming up to take photographs.
"There were so many people coming to the front of the plane, the pilot ended up illuminating the 'fasten seat-belt' sign to get everyone to sit down," he added.
332
« on: April 07, 2010, 12:35:33 PM »
(April 6) -- It doesn't look like Big Foot, but a mysterious hairless creature discovered in China and dubbed an "oriental yeti" will undergo DNA testing.
Hunters in a remote wooded area in Sichuan Province trapped the unidentified beast after locals reported a bear sighting -- but what they found was not a bear.
"It looks a bit like a bear but it doesn't have any fur and it has a tail like a kangaroo," one hunter, Lu Chin, told the Times of London. "It also does not sound like a bear -- it has a voice like a cat and it is calling all the time -- perhaps it is looking for the rest of its kind or maybe it's the last one."
Zeng Chanwen, Imaginechina/Zuma Press
An unidentified, furless animal found in Sichuan Province, China, is likely a kind of civet, according to one cryptozoologist.
The animal has been shipped to Beijing, where scientists will perform DNA tests. Meanwhile, experts are already trying to predict the results.
According to Loren Coleman, a cryptozoologist who has written 17 books on mysterious animals and legends like Bigfoot, the "oriental yeti" is not a yeti at all, but likely a kind of civet, a small carnivorous animal akin to the mongoose.
"My guess is this animal is either an Asian palm or Himalayan palm civet," Coleman told AOL News. "It's a kind of weasel-like animal that eats other small animals. Civets are really an animal all to themselves."
As for the creature's lack of fur, Coleman believes it has mange, a skin disease caused by mites.
"Mange sweeps through populations of small animals just like this one," he said. "The scratches on the animal's body are consistent with mange."
Despite the hype surrounding the discovery of the animal, Coleman said he believes DNA tests will show the finding is "in no way anything extraordinary."
333
« on: April 06, 2010, 01:07:44 PM »
The sighting of a luminous being on the shore of the region of Tarapacá caused panic among passengers of an intercity bus from Iquique to Santiago de Chile.
The brush with the paranormal took place at 5 a.m. on March 1st 2010, when the passenger bus made a stop along Route A-1, linking from Iquique to Tocopila near the Vicente Mena Beach, between Punta Gruesa and Chucumata.
At that point, one of the female passengers began mumbling in her sleep: “They’re there, outside, there’re here,” creating expectation among her fellow bus passengers. She was wakened by one of her traveling companions. Once awake, the woman reacted as she looked outside the bus, seeing a fluorescent cylindrical structure in the sea. She began screaming and and causing alarm among the other passengers.
Collective panic gripped the passengers at this point, who after a few seconds “claimed having seen a top-shaped spacecraft emerging from the sea”, according to researcher Raul Rivera.
When everyone inside the bus calmed down and endeavored to photograph the luminous structures with their cellphones, the consternation and screams made an encore. “A being standing approximately 3 meters tall, thin and with impressive flashes of light, began walking toward the highway,” explained Rivera, stating that the case is being rigorously investigated in Santiago.
Once in Santiago, the experiencers went their separate ways, “making the investigation a difficult undertaking,” according to Enrique Silva, one of the two persons in charge of the process. He says that until now “only eight eyewitness accounts exist – a paltry sum, considering that an inter-city bus generally transports between 30 and 40 passengers.”
The identities of these eight witnesses is being kept in complete secrecy while future eyewitness accounts are sought, and the investigation can truly be finalized.
One of the open issues of this sighting is that neither the bus driver nor his assistant can be found. This has only served to stoke expectations, as some witnesses claim that the driver’s assistant took photos and videos of the encounter.
“There are key witnesses to the case. We cannot say who they are, nor the company to which the bus belongs. I can only say that something happened, as the eyewitness accounts are in agreement. I can say that a strange phenomenon occurred at that site,” Silva states explicitly.
The rigorous nature of the investigation is not only due to the sighting’s complexity or the difficulties involved in finding the final location of the passengers. The researcher in charge of the study adds that “there is an armed organization involved with the sighting, not as the source of the phenomenon, but as key witnesses. Therefore, the information involved, and the investigative process, must be handled with great care.” Silva explains that “we should have results this week or early next week.”Any thoughts on this guys?  :
334
« on: April 05, 2010, 03:20:24 PM »
Elementary School Puts On Production Of Scarface.
335
« on: April 05, 2010, 03:15:49 PM »
336
« on: April 05, 2010, 03:09:20 PM »
Check out some actors that used to be sex symbols and are now just not as sexy.
Please see before and after description under the pics :happy:
337
« on: March 27, 2010, 04:38:35 PM »
:happy:
338
« on: March 26, 2010, 02:19:43 PM »
eNJOy.
339
« on: March 26, 2010, 01:36:30 PM »
Ninety-nine percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.poor lawyers
Borrow money from a pessimist -- they don't expect it back.
Time is what keeps things from happening all at once.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math. bummerrr :pagel:
Never answer an anonymous letter.
It's lonely at the top; but you do eat better. hahaha
Always go to other people's funerals, or they won't go to yours. :laugh: after they're dead, eh real smart
Few women admit their age; few men act it. very true :pagel:
No one is listening until you make a mistake. tell me about it :sad:
Give me ambiguity or give me something else. :laugh:
We have enough youth. How about a fountain of "Smart"? - I agree. :pagel:
He who laughs last thinks slowest. ouch
Campers: Nature's way of feeding mosquitoes.
There are three kinds of people: Those who can count and those who can't.
I started out with nothing and I still have most of it.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. :pagel:
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot. duniya wale jioun ne dende
I took an IQ test and the results were negative. haye rabba :laugh:
We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. i like this one :happy:
Nothing is fool proof to a sufficiently talented fool. :
God made mankind. Sin made him evil. yupyupyup
I don't find it hard to meet expenses. They're everywhere.
I just let my mind wander, and it didn't come back. koyi mere varga vichara
Don't steal. The government hates competition.
Humpty Dumpty was pushed. no argumetn with that
The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
I'm out of bed and dressed. What more do you want? absolutely right sheeesh
Save the whales. Collect the whole set. :
Gravity- It's not just a good idea, it's the LAW!
Life is too complicated in the morning. maut pae jandi uthan vele
We are all part of the ultimate statistic-ten out of ten die. :
Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else get your way. :pagel:
If ignorance is bliss, then tourists are in a constant state of euphoria. oh boy :laugh:
Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
Energizer Bunny arrested; charged with battery.
I've had amnesia as long as I can remember.
Evolution: True science fiction.isn't that the truth :pagel:
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time. wise
Your body is made of 70% water. If you drink water, then, does that make you a cannibal? good question, eh
340
« on: March 22, 2010, 12:23:37 PM »
 :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
Pages: 1 ... 12 13 14 15 16 [17] 18 19 20
|
Show Posts